Halloween? What’s Not to Love? / Halloween? What’s Not to Love?

Halloween? What’s Not to Love?

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I always loved Halloween as a kid. What’s not to love? dressing up in a costume you thought was cool? going to people’s houses and getting free stuff?

Who doesn’t like free candy? Psychotic’s, Sad People and Oppressors of Fun. That’s Who.

Living in a high-rise in the city, there is just not a lot of families with kids. mostly single people and couples having a good time trying to make kids.

I missed out on a lot of years passing out candy to trick or treaters while living in a high-rise.

Got Married and Bought a House a couple of years ago.

Now when Halloween rolls around I find myself flashing back to those youthful times of Trick or Treating.

I absolutely look forward to passing out the candy.

I figured after what went down last year? I would try to make this one memorable for the kids who come to our door.

This year, the kiddies are going to remember coming to our house. they’ll get a treat of course, they’re are also in for a few tricks.

Halloween is supposed to be a little scary, isn’t it?

I’ve always thought? you keep em guessing. No complacency on our block. I strongly suggest you pay attention. Scary things might happen. the unpredictable may occur. keep your shoelaces tied tight, and be ready.

It’s Wooooooo….Muhahaha….Halloween!

I’ve decided I would scare a few of the little critters by dressing up. I don’t want to just go with some lame costume or mask. I want to create a scene. a happening. a little something they won’t forget.

I bounced some ideas around with the fellas at work. which were all shot down.

So? I’ll come up with something on my own.

I’ve got a few ideas. Though I’m not spilling the beans. it’ll wreck the surprise.

I was told some of these kids were too small to scare. the parents wouldn’t find it cute or the least bit funny if I dressed up like Michael Myers and jumped out of the bushes like last year, standing there silently, clutching a bloody cleaver to see what they would do?

As it turned out, last year? most of them cried.

It could have been a lot worse, I decided not to put on a hockey mask, smear fake blood on my shirt and run at them throwing raw hamburger meat.

I thought it sounded like a great idea. give the darlings a little scare. get their blood flowing.

I underestimated in hindsight how many freaked out kids would end up having really bad nightmares,  due to my miscalculations.

A lot of these kids today are on mood stabilizers.

How was I suppose to know that? I didn’t know? nobody told me?

Admittedly, I was a little surprised that so many youngsters would lose their water standing there on our front doorstep frozen in fear.

I didn’t have any idea how many would drop their bags of candy and cut and run screaming?

How did I know that many of the parents would absolutely freak out?

Who calls the cops on someone trying to bring joy and smiles to the little creatures of the night anyway?

I’ll tell you who. the uptight, the ungrateful. My neighbors, that’s who.

The thing that was really embarrassing, and I quite frankly couldn’t understand was? That We… Well I?…made our local paper. Right there on page 3. “Local man over does it on Halloween Pranks.”

Funny how sometimes trying to do the right thing can turn out so wrong?

Police cars were everywhere.

I counted seven at one point. Must have had every squad car in the village here. For what ?!? No one got hurt…except for the kid who got trampled by a couple of stampeding fat kids. nothing serious, just a scraped knee and a bloody nose.

Clearly parents are wound way too tight when it comes to their kids these days.

Listen, They aren’t going to change their career path because someone scared the pants off them on Halloween.

If anything? it will toughen them up! So? when they are actually confronted with their first taste of real terror years from now? they won’t curl up in a ball on the sidewalk holding their knees rocking back and forth with their thumb in their mouth!

I told the cop. “Officer? if you think about it? I was celebrating this holiday in the fashion it was meant to be celebrated, by us scaring the ever-loving crap out of each other! it’s just one night? besides? it gives these little monsters something to talk about in school the next day.”

“Hey Scooter? how about when the crazy old dude jumped out of the bushes holding that cleaver? I swear man, I thought I was going to mess my pants right there! that was awesome! and he gave out full size candy bars! I can’t wait to see what that old kook has cooked up for us next year!”

Now, thanks to some overprotective parents who think they know what’s best for their precious little angels? I have to come up with some kid friendly idea this Halloween so I don’t scare the poop out of them.

My wife suggests we go out-of-town. which I think is a bad idea. do you remember what happens to houses of people who aren’t home on Halloween? then she suggested “OK, we’ll just leave a basket of candy out on the porch with a sign that says, “Happy Halloween! please take only one piece.”

C’MON! as a kid if we saw that sign we’d empty the basket into our bags and then throw it on the roof of the offenders house.

Doesn’t everyone already know this? it’s one of life’s universal truths.

You gotta be kidding me?!? take only one? got news for you honey? no one only takes one.

Last year? I was slapping these little punks hands away from the bowl of candy all night, if they could get their grubby little digits into the bowl they were coming away with at least a fistful.

Take only one? that never….ever happens.

Some of these kids need some coaching OK?

I had way too many 6 year olds showing up to ring the door bell completely unprepared.

Last year, I’d open the door, the kid is standing there in costume, maybe some face paint on. they’d look up at me and say?……….nothing.

We’d lock into a stare down, I wouldn’t move, they wouldn’t move. I’d just look at them. they’d look at me. after what seemed like forever. I’d shrug my shoulders at them as if to say, What? What do you want kid? they’d just sigh and say?………nothing.

Say something kid. what brings you to our doorstep today? hello? anybody home in there? silence. I’d settle for anything at this point. it was more than a little disturbing.

Say something kid! anything? who cuts your hair mister? Why dontcha rake your leaves? your decorations suck.

Eventually I’d just give up waiting for the “Trick or Treat!” reach down and put the candy in their bag, and close the door.

I place the blame on the parents who instruct them not to talk to strangers.

Halloween has a set time limit. It Wasn’t always that way. Years ago, we had beggars night.

This was nothing more than the night before Halloween, you would show up in costume and hit 10 or twenty houses as a warm up. you’d be surprised at how many people would at first say, “Wait?…What?” Then, tell you to hold on a minute. Coming back with a few pieces of candy.

Occasionally you got some grump, who would stonewall you.

But if you were really Wily? You’d make up some nonsense like you were going out of town with your parents and wouldn’t be able to go trick or treating the next day. it helped if you could sell it with a sad face.

Another clever ruse was you had to help volunteer tomorrow with treat or trick for UNICEF.

How would they know? We knew they wouldn’t call UNICEF world headquarters and ask, “Yeah I’m just checking, we got some kid at the door says his name is….? what’s you name kid? he says his name is Larry Sellers he’s here tonight asking for candy telling me he’s working for your organization tomorrow? Can you confirm he’s on the list before I drop a Zagnut bar on him? He is? OK Thanks.”

The Next night on Halloween after the candy giving ends for the night. and it get’s dark? That’s when the older kids set out with mischief and mayhem on their minds.

And since I got tired of cleaning up all the mischief and mayhem off our house last year. I’ll be ready for them this year. I’m renting a police officers uniform and patrolling my yard after dark.

My friend Jocko tells me it’s a bad idea, That I could get arrested for impersonating an officer.

Doubtful it would stand up in court?

“It was just a costume your honor.”

Halloween is what you make of it.

We aren’t celebrating some religious holiday. Nor are we celebrating the birth of some national hero or great leader.

Halloween is different. there is no fear of offending some ethnic or religious group on this day.

It’s the one day every year we can put aside our differences of opinion. our politics, our various religious beliefs and scare the ever-loving snot out of each other.

Make no mistake about it, I don’t ever want to see anyone get hurt. nor do I encourage property damage of any kind. all I want is your psyche to be a little messed up when you get home from your trick or treat rounds.

That said, sadly there are way too many overprotective parents out there. you people know who I’m talking about?

Halloween use to be a lot more fun.

What’s happened to us? there are way too many rules now. too many constraints. you can only trick or treat between the hours of 4 and 7 pm?

“I’m sorry, it’s 7:05 and we’re having our dinner. Halloween has ended. please stop ringing our doorbell and leave our front porch immediately or I will be forced to sick the dog on you.”

And please? what is it with this? Don’t give kids anything with peanuts in it. because they might be allergic to it? boo hoo! if they are? that’s tough. that’s on you and your kid. lock that kid in a bubble at home and quit screwing this up for the rest of us!

I’ve read that 5 out of every thousand kids has a peanut allergy. something about kids today not getting outside enough to play in the dirt? too much time spent on the Computer, or in front of the TV?

OK? here’s an idea for a costume for your allergic kid. get a Hazmat suit that fits them and turn them loose. when they get home? hose them down in the garage. after that? you take their bag of candy and sort it for them? give all the peanutty stuff to someone else whose immune system won’t crash because of a snickers bar?

We are celebrating fun. And our youth. And candy. And who doesn’t like candy? That’s right! sad people! and psychotic’s! and oppressors of fun!

Now I want you people to get out there and scare the hell out of the kids this Halloween. I will be. Woooooo! Muhahaha! Boooooooo! I don’t care if I do get arrested again. if I do happen to get pinched by the Po Po? I will be out on bail before the 10 o’clock news. As a matter of fact? I will consider this Halloween a colossal failure if I don’t hear some real screaming or see some kids running for their very lives!

Come to my house? you won’t forget it. I promise you that Sparky. You’ll thank me when you’re older. You’ll remember me. Nobody remembers the Nice Lady who hands out Milky Way’s dressed like a Fairy Princess. Or the Dad dressed like Dracula with the Charleston Chews. They remember the guy who scared the heck out of them.

That Old Guy down the street who opened the door in his robe and slippers holding an Ice cream scoop. Who asked them, “if they wanted Vanilla? or Chocolate?” and when they didn’t respond fast enough? he dropped a scoop of ice cream right into their bag.

They remember That Guy!

Written by rthogan


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