Unexplained | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do / Unexplained | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do

Wild People are beyond our control. They live out in the woods. Wishing only to be left alone. If you get too close to them. They might end you.

Jeffery McCormack University of Hawaii. Professor of Anthropology, Explainer of The Unexplained 1982.

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March 19, 2015. The Big Island of Hawaii.

One day you’ll see someone for the very first time.

People and Animals were disappearing in the Sleepy Coastal Village of Hawi on the northern most point of da Island.

Park Rangers and Residents have reported weird loud screams in the middle of the night. waking to find livestock mutilated from nearby farms scattered about. Trees uprooted. Large piles of rocks stacked neatly on beaches. where the prior day, there were none. Dogs walking backwards. Cats climbing trees and not coming down for weeks on end. Strange lights reported in the woods. lotta of ugly finger pointing going on. nobody ever uses their turn signal anymore? everybody’s scared.

The Pololu Valley is carved into the Kohala Mountains. Steep Terrain, Switchbacks and Trails lead to the valley floor, Some of those Trails can be treacherous. once you reach the bottom it opens to a secluded black sand beach. water from rain in the hills runs off out to sea by way of a stream that meanders through the valley.

Its Heavenly. Peaceful, Secluded.

Paradise in the Pacific.

These days. The mood is wrong. Locals are Maka’u.

Sundown to Sunrise, not many peoples outside ya?

Locked doors, Blinds drawn, No one goes out after dark no more. Not many people hike the Trail head, Uh Uh, No more.

Sightings have increased dramatically.

Something is out there. Deep in the forested valley. Lurking.

Late at Night, Howls, Growls and Screams emanate from the valley.

Around midnight, Driving home from his shift in Waikaloa. Dino Castino 23 year old Hawi resident hit the brakes, skidding to a stop on the wet mountain road.

What in the hell was that?

Something large had run out of the brush and slammed into his cars passenger door. It looked like a man? a large hairy man.

Frightened he got out, Dino looked down the hillside to see what he hit.

Unable to see a gosh darn thing. Clouds hid the moon from view on this night.

Darkness on the island is a darkness only those who live here understand.

What ever it was? was gone. just the sound of water below breaking on the rocky shoreline.

Walking round the front of the car he moved past its headlights to find a huge impression in his passenger side door.

Ahhh C’Mon Man!

Covered in a coat of what looked like a mix of skin and grease, the dents impression was deep into the door.

Maybe it was an animal? didn’t get a good enough look, couldn’t be? it was too big and on two feet, not down on all fours? It had to be injured.

He stopped to listen, nothing. but quiet.

Hello?!?

Nothing…..Wait, Was that? Naw, just the wind.

Dino realized he wasn’t going to find anything but trouble out here, deciding to head home to report the accident. back behind the wheel, he pulled on to the road from the shoulder.

Out of the corner of his eye, The boulder flew through the air towards the car.

Landing violently on the pavement directly in his path, forcing him through the guardrail over the embankment. slamming violently into a ditch with the edge of the pali mere feet away.

Loud howling shook the steep slope down to the water. Forehead bleeding after bouncing his noggin on the windshield, slightly stunned. He squinted out the side window. unable to see squat.

Instinctually, Grabbed his flashlight from his glove compartment. got out, walked over to the brush, Makai side. directed the lights beam into the bushes. Something smelled funky in there. Not good funky, naw, this was bold, nasty hold your nose bad funked up stank.

Approaching the edge, Peering downward, Dino spotted movement, climbing his way.

Dis ting was big, wit long arms, wide shoulders, making noise dat give you da creepies and da willies.

It was growling and moving fast.

Suddenly the brush exploded forward.

Darkness had come for him.

Scrambling and slipping in the gravel, Dino sprinted around the car down the path sloped towards the water.

Running through the trees, it ferociously pursued.

This Massive Growling shadowy figure right on his heels.

A large hairy arm reached for his neck.

Dino found himself airborne.

Early the next day, Authorities found his body on the rocky shoreline below.

Investigators finding two distinctively different sets of footprints leading right up to the edge of da pali. one matching the deceased, Dino Castino 23 years old from Hawi.

While this investigation continued…..miles away in upcountry.

OOOee looked up from his plate of Loco Moco at the Hawaiian Style Cafe in Waimea. best damn breakfast on da island. Standing, adjusting his waistband. The Massive Iocal glided out the screened front door into the street.

Ohhh Brah……Broke da mouth.

An enormous forearm reaches up towards his mouth to revel the smiling face of Da Man himself.

Six foot Two, Two hundred eighty nine pound OOOee Mano. wipes his face, rubbing the remains of his breakfast onto his shorts. never once stopping his movement.

Plenty Good Grindz. Plenty Good Ya.

Exhaling loudly, OOOee slides behind the wheel of his Chevy Pickup. His cell phone rings.

Howszit?

Storms coming in later OOOee. Were you at?

OOOee had to make a run up to Hawi to drop off an order of Koa wood to his Aunty Beattie. materials for a new lanai.

Trip from upcountry to Aunty Beattie house on da coast, bout thirty five minutes. give or take.

Wood hadn’t been hard to find, down in da Valley plenty ya, cut da wood himself. dragged it up, out, limb by limb, planning it by hand. earning every penny of dat two large.

Get your business done, then move outta da way.

Aunty had agreed to pay him, couple thousand bucks. chose the wood, long as its no more than two thousand bucks. uh-uh, no more.

Rain ended late afternoon. Sun was out, birds were singing, cool breezes.

Headed home to load the wood in his truck, once done, on the road, 237 Kohola Mountain Highway to his Aunty’s on the northern tip of the Island.

OOOee was headed into madness.

Only he didn’t know it yet.

Bout 7:37 in the pm, pulling into Aunty Bea’s.

Only noise was the wind in the trees and the sound of the surf coming ashore.

They don’t call it paradise for nuthin.

Stepping out her front door stood an Elderly Hawaiian Woman late 60’s early 70’s. smiling, nodding, excitedly clapping her hands together.

The pair settled into chairs in da back. Aunty had outlined the location of where she wanted the lanai. work was scheduled to begin in the morning.

Something troubling you Aunty?

What do you know about Da You Know Who, OOOee?

Local legend had it a creature prowled da beaches and forest at night.

Miss no opportunities ya? Never know, what tomorrow gonna bring.

Maybe tomorrow? Your hair stand on end. maybe fall out on da ground

Just last month, two hikers had disappeared. vanished.

How you not know dat it some haole hippies from Waiks? out there in da valley growing pakalolo? maybe chase outta Hilo by da hui huh?!?

Scratching her chin, Aunty Bea pointed at OOOee.

Found da rental car parked on side of the road. no peoples nowhere.

Hui would’ve take, sold car.

Sides? You no let me finish. Couple days later, Searchers find one of hikers in shock, walking in forest, tell crazy story.

Say he got chased by Christmas tree.

Please Aunty…No More.

Taking a break he and his friend reported seeing something just off trail.

Pointing his flashlight towards the trees he smelled something rotten.

The light shone into da trees eyes. which stretched out its arms towards him.

Chee Hoo!

Brah dropped the light hauling ass down the trail into da tree line. he make it, his friend?…..no make it.

One minute he and his friend were taking a leak, Whistling theme to Andy Griffith, when tree started to move.

When they found him walking in the woods near the highway, he was in shock, wouldn’t speak to nobody, until they led him out to the trail head. then he wouldn’t shut up.

Kept Screaming. We Have To Warn Everybody! We Have To Warn Everybody!

Aunty you saying its Hukai’po?

Shush OOOee.

To speak of it, was thought to curse you.

Tourism board tried to keep a lid on it. Bad for business.

Da truth of it is….Hukai’po were The Night Marchers.

Whistling was said to summon them. Island Spirits that mess you up. maybe forever ya?

Most Locals refused to speak of it. Bring you ‘Ino loa.

Why is it no real proof exists?

Some say they live in tunnels or caves beneath da ground.

The reason no one is able to catch one is…it can disappear.

They’re smarter than us, our mistake is underestimating them. It will be our ultimate undoing.

You either believe strange beasts live among us or you don’t.

After enjoying a nice meal together.

They sat for a while talking. OOOee doing his best to reassure his beloved Aunty.

After they spoke, she went to do the dishes, while he went outside, to break some wind.

OOOee was out back in da dark framing the new lanai when he heard her screams.

Rushing in the backdoor, he saw his Aunty ducking down behind da couch.

Motioning for him to get down, he did just that. scrambling low next to her on da floor.

What’s wrong Aunty?

He’s Here! Out Da Window, I Saw His Eyes, His Hairy Face. Remind me of Uncle LOLO after da fire when dey had to use da skin graph to try to fix da scarring. Remember? grew hair all over his face. look like da woof-man. He’s Here!

Who? Uncle LOLO?

Naw! You Know Who! Biggie Foot, Da Hairy Scary Man! Fuuuuuck. He Real, I Saw Him Wit My Own Eyes.

Calm down Aunty.

Rising and crossing to the window. OOOee cupped his hands on the glass, peering out into the front yard.

His eyes widened, as he dove for cover, the large rock exploding through the picture window, narrowly missing Aunty Bea.

OOOee fell over da couch on da floor smashing the coffee table. he wasn’t sure if, in fact he saw, what he saw.

It had to be at least Eight feet tall, Covered from head to toe in hair. Lobbed that heavy boulder Like It Was Nothing!

Makin noise you don’t want to hear twice in your lifetime.

Deez were sounds, made you close your windows, lock your doors. hide in icebox.

It sounded angry. OOOee didn’t want to ask why. learned long time ago to stay from angry peoples.

Crawling on the floor to da window, he peeked out, in time to see Da Hairy Scary Man tear da mailbox off its post, tucking it under his arm an walking into the woods across da road.

Wait? What? It was real? Aunty was right, saw it wit his own eyes. the things nightmares are made of.

Give you da chicken skin, an da heebie-jeebies. OOOee needed this like a coconut full of bees.

Stepping out the front door of his Aunty’s hale, first looking left and right, then moving slowly into the yard.

Without warning. a large man had come out of a clump of trees. about 50 yards away, sniffing the air like a dog.

I swear he smelled me, Cause it slowly backed into the woods. until I couldn’t see him no more.

OOOee had to know, is this really happening?

Where is dat buggah?

Scanning the tree line across the street, he couldn’t see a thing. so dark you would never know for sure.

He cautiously crossed the road into the woods to look around.

Then he heard it, it was still close.

Only now, Da Howling, Growling and Screaming seemed to be headed in his direction.

OOOee turned and while scrambling back up the trail. glanced over his shoulder.

Something was headed his way, a shape, this shadow…you know who.

Thirty yards away, a pair of yellow glowing eyes in the brush was moving closer.

OOOee stopped, trying to focus on what was coming after him.

Then he smelled it again. Chee Hoo! You Know Who!

The mailbox hit the tree next to where OOOee stood. frozen, unable to move, the terror now only yards away.

He was trapped. heart pounding hard.

The basketball sized rock landed 5 feet to his right, taking out a tree limb sheltering the trails drop-off.

Can’t stay here, RUN!

Reaching the switchback, OOOee skidded to a stop, falling on the ground. another rock sailed overhead narrowly missing its target.

Down the trail, He could see him, still moving in his direction. arms reaching out in front of him.

Those eyes, Those eyes…..What is it?

He ducked for cover, Leaning into a massive boulder in front of him, it began to give way. rolling back down the trails slope, gaining speed on its way downhill. unaware, the shape headed up hill growling. long arms waving, as the rock impacted it, a bright flash enveloped the dark path. once the flash subsided, the shape was gone, disappearing into a flash of light. only the rock continuing downward through the brush on the trail into the valley below.

Hand painted sign stuck in the ground next to the trail read, Kapu. to the locals it means, Forbidden.

Down the embankment OOOee was sliding on the loose ground. surfing it downward out of control to the water below.

As he slide downward he spotted the signage, reaching out with his mighty left hand, grabbing a hold of it to slow his mo. it was no use. full on rock slide is a one way trip ya. non stop.

He came to rest on the valley floor below with various scrapes and cuts. a broken arm, three cracked ribs and a large bump on da noggin.

Grateful to be alive.

Thankfully Aunty had called da police. who, when they showed up, found OOOee on da rocks.

Ambulance took him to the Kohala Hospital in Kapaau. after his injuries were treated, police took his statement down. Once completed. They also spoke with Aunty. The events weighed heavy on them both.

Upon his release. Aunty Bea drove him home to rest, try to piece things together.

She stayed to make sure he was ok. keep her eye on him. Spirit of Ohana is strong here.

Same afternoon, Strange men showed up at his house wearing black suits and sun glasses they wouldn’t take off. refused to show any identification. say they were from the government. also asked questions. like, a lot of questions. telling them, be best if they both keep quiet, to not tell a soul what they saw?

Why? they don’t live here…. who are they to tell us what to do?

Hey Nice Suit Eliot Ness…..phhffft!

Not sure they believed a word of it anyway. doesn’t matter, I guess? if someone tell me a tale like dat, Well, more questions than answers ya?

What was it? Why did it attack? And Where did it go?

Maybe? Dis ting only wants to scare us away, to protect the land, I get that.

Malama Aina.

People are afraid of the unknown, ya know. from the beginning of time. we’ve felt threatened by outsiders.

There are those who say it’s just a myth. Who refuse to believe. Baloney sandwiches they say.

Seen a lot of weird things living on this island. Heard some strange stories too. Not sure what I believe anymore.

What’s out there? Honestly, I don’t really know.

There’s a lot of theory, Island spirits, Interdimensional beings, biggie foot himself?

Don’t want to sound tinfoil hat here, I’m keeping an eye on it, I’ve a feeling something bad is going to happen again.

Will it come back? I better not say.

I believe OOOee.

He doesn’t understand….but he knows.

Monsters live here. He’s seen them, with his own eyes.

Big Island Hairy Scary Man.

Here in the middle of da Pacific Ocean. Its no joke brah.

You come to see what you want to see, You come to see, But you never come to know.

One day you’ll see someone for the very last time.

Better that way, then the other way around.

Setting: Exterior of a pub in the Irish Countryside. above the door, a wooden sign that reads,

The Chipped Tooth.

Today is a Fierce Hot Late Summer Afternoon.

An imposing Figure approaches it’s door. as he reaches for it’s handle, it opens to revel a smaller man.

Tommy: Gwan git yerself into dis here queue lad.

Jimmy: Aiye Tom.

Tommy: Ya Big Footed Galute. Where is it ya been keeping yer self? How ar yas?

Jimmy: Puttin out fires at home Tom, putting da out fires.

Tommy: As we all are lad, as we all are. Heard ya took some stitches last week, how’s the mouth?

Jimmy: She’s home with the young wans.

Tommy: Sit down, you have the look of a man that needs a pint.

Tommy rises from his seat at the table, heads to the bar to order for his friend.

Jimmy drops into the snug. Tommy returns with Two pints of plain.

Tommy: Ya look terrible. tell me yer troubles lad. What’s happened?

Jimmy: Don’t know where to start.

Tommy: Don’t make me drag it out of ya.

Jimmy: I’m not a well man Tom.

Tommy: What’s wrong?

Jimmy: High Blood Pressure, Thyroid Problems, Stomach Turning. I’m Not Sleeping Well. Headaches, My Feet, My Back, My Left Shoulder is a Fookin Mess.

Tommy: I’m so sorry.

Jimmy: Ya haven’t even heard the worst of it.

Tommy: Jaysus, not the worst of it is it? I know I’m gonna regret this, what worse than tha?

Jimmy: I’m seeing things Tommy.

Tommy: Things? Wha things?

Jimmy: Banshees.

Tommy: Wha?! Banshees?!?

Jimmy: Last Friday night. Scared the bejesus out of me. Haven’t slept right since. Keeping me up ta all hours.

Tommy: You can’t be serious.

Jimmy: This is No laughing matter Tom.

Tommy: Slow down lad, slow yerself down. Now, Did ya see it….or hear it?

Jimmy: What does it matter?

Tommy: Matters greatly, if in ya only heard you’re better off. Now if ya saw it? Well then that’s a different matter altogether. Pack yer bags man.

Jimmy: Banshee is a Banshee Tom.

Tommy: True, True. Don’t get me wrong, Hear a Banshee? Is unsettling to be sure. Though ya see one? Well then….one who sees one is doomed.

Jimmy: Shite.

Tommy: Ar ya sure ya wasn’t hearing tha young couple next door having a go?

Jimmy: Sure it wasn’t them. Heard a commotion coming from the closet in da bedroom.

Tommy: What did it sound like?

Jimmy: A Wailing.

Tommy: Was it Screaming or Moaning?

Jimmy: I already told yas….Ya Eejit! Wailing sound, Wha in the hell is da difference? Ar ya not listening to me?

Tommy: Calm down. Screaming or Wailing is something to fear. Moaning? maybe she’s in some kind of distress?

Jimmy: Dats all I need, a moaning banshee tha needs help. For fucks sake, I got enough problems.

Tommy: Sounds like ya got a barrow full.

Jimmy: Big help you are. What am I gonna do?

Tommy: Move da fuck outta da house. Sell it. Just go.

Jimmy: How do you suggest I tell me Mrs and The Children?

Tommy: Ah they don’t know yet?

Jimmy: Course not, They’d never believe me.

Tommy: I see what ya mean. Not sure I believe ya neither.

Jimmy: I’m not lying, on me mothers grave , I saw it, pointed right at me. Threw her hairbrush at me.

Tommy: That’s a curse lad.

Jimmy: Don’t I know it.

Tommy: Jaysus, Mary and Joseph. Yer health problems are the least of your worries. Banshees.

Jimmy: What do I do, no one will believe it.

Tommy: Calm yourself, and listen carefully lad. Everything we hear is an opinion. Not a fact. Everything we see is perspective. Not the truth.

Jimmy: Where’d ya hear tha?

Tommy: Tha fella use to predict the future….Nosferatu.

Jimmy: Have ya ever seen one?

Tommy: Seen a share of shite in my day. Never a banshee.

Jimmy: Is it possible the best days ar over and done with. That what’s left for me is only this, The banshee is here for a reason.

Tommy: Have ya ever thought that maybe, just maybe, your best days right now are The best days? You’ve six brilliant kids, Lovely wife, What if These are The Best Days of Our Lives?

Jimmy: Have ya not been listening?

Tommy: I have. You’re sick, Ya got a banshee up in the closet of your bedroom who’s throwing hairbrushes at ya. I’m only trying to point out tha maybe. You’re not seeing the big picture.

Jimmy: Picture Wha? I’ll be lucky to make it through the weekend.

Tommy: Stop it, time is short, no one gets outta here alive. Make the best of it. Drink up, Inhale deeply, Go home and confront that fookin banshee. Give the Mrs a good ride. Open that closet door and let that banshee have a good look at the two of yas. If in she can’t see she’s made a mistake. Then face it right square in the face. Make your peace, You’ve done the best ya can. Remember all you’ve done. Be thankful you’re not poor Ol Muldoon. Ya remember what happened ta him, haven’t ya?

Jimmy: I have, Poor bastard.

Tommy: You’ve been dealt a bad hand, and have to play it. It’s just one hand. They’ll be others.

Jimmy: Ahh Tom, Sure ya know yerself, I’m late in da game, not sure how many hands I have left. on top of it all these medicines I’m taking, can’t remember which ones I took and which I haven’t? Five different pills, Five. Seven if ya count da vitamins. can’t keep up with it all. been a stretch since I’ve had a happy day, I know, I know it’s a choice they say. not so sure anymore. All these medications, numbing people so they can keep producing, keep working, at what cost Tom? at what cost? people so jacked up they don’t sleep anymore, can’t sleep. what if these medications are making me see things? 

Tommy: That’s it then, all these medications combined are making ya see things. stop taking em, talk to your doctor. 

Jimmy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of woman’s knickers placing it on the table in front of them.

Jimmy: How do you explain this then?

Tommy: Don’t tell me….

Jimmy nods

Tommy: Jaysus, The Banshees knickers is it?

Jimmy silently lowers his head in his hands,

Tommy: We’re gonna need another couple of pints here.

It wasn’t my first. I have had three before this one.

Technology is a fascinating thing.

I don’t understand a lot of it. the science of how it can help in medicine has always been of interest to me.

I arrived early. the requisite paperwork needing to be filled out.

They ask you for a complete run down of your medical history. allergies, medicines you might be taking. past surgeries, any possible medical devices permanently installed in or on your person. metal specifically I guess? best way to understand it is. you don’t put metal or any foil in a microwave do you? no, you do not. same thing applies here. it messes up the functionality of the machinery.

The paperwork is about two pages. I’d reckon 40-50 questions. needed by them for no other reason than to make you aware of what you need to do, how you need to prepare.

MRI or CT scans come in all different types. all three of the prior ones I’ve had, focused on taking a look-see inside my noggin.

This isn’t some? you got a splinter you can’t get out. it can be serious. hopefully, it can confirm you are ok.

You can’t be treated if they don’t know what’s wrong with you?

Best you can, you put your faith in your doctor and go with the request.

This is done to give them, and your goodself the best look at what might be going wrong?

Maybe? Hopefully? it’s nothing.

Doctors have to cover all the bases and check you out before they assess what is happening inside of you.

The Day arrives.

After you arrive at either the hospital or medical center.

You check in for your appointment.

They ask you your name and your date of birth.

Confirming with you, your Doctor’s name and the specific procedure you are having done.

Then you head to the locker room, where they have you remove your belt, take out your keys and other metal you might be carrying. since they were focusing on my head. I only had to remove my shirt, this was done so they could give me an IV before my procedure. the test being run required that they inject a dye the name of which I could not pronounce.

The IV now in place. I headed into to the room to begin the MRI. Inside is a large circular contraption that is standing on its side. A table or gurney is attached to it.

There you lay on a table. where they position your head inside a brace to hold you steady. you will need to remain still throughout the procedure. some take a few minutes. some take longer. mine was about 45 minutes long.

My technician Lynn was incredibly nice, she answered all my questions prior. making me feel more at ease with what was being done. they’ll ask you if you are claustrophobic. because the machine surrounds you. If you begin to panic. you are wasting your time and theirs. lastly, they’ll place comfortable headphones on you. The MRI is loud when in operation. this will mute the noise, letting the technician communicate with you on the headphones.

So there I was. all prepped, questions answered. IV in. dye injected. noise reduction in place and ready to be slid inside for the MRI

As I looked up at the ceiling two thoughts came into my mind. one was the placement of a portrait of tall trees above me on the ceiling. this is the last image you see before you head inside. The second was a tingling feeling in my feet.

The table I laid on slid slowly inside for the MRI. I followed my instructions, keeping still as possible.

The technicians voice came on my headphones to let me know that we would begin the tests. I would have a series of them some lasting 3 minutes, some lasting 8.

Once inside, I had trouble finding that meditative landscape I so often escape to.

Yeah, yeah, it’s my happy place. Go ahead, poke fun. It works for me.

We hear what we want to hear. life is too short for some questions. things are either revealed to you or they’re not. if they are? Great!

If they’re aren’t? well? nothing you can do about it, so try not to waste too much time on it.

In the end that’s all the counts, all that matters. believe what you will.

After the test…? life might never be the same. life is like that. things change. life changes. sometimes control is no control at all. Just hold your breath, then exhale…and step forward.

The MRI ended, the table I laid on slid out. I sat up and looked at my feet.

They were enormous.

How was I gonna get my shoes back on?

How would I drive home?

How would I explain this to my wife?

I panicked.

I don’t do panicked well, admittedly.

Things get loud and things get busted.

What The….? Look at My Feet? What Did You Do To ME?

A  Mars light began to spin. Loud sirens sounded. My technician Lynn bolted from the room.

WAIT! LYNN?! HOW AM I GONNA GET MY SHOES BACK ON?

I gotta drive home.

I gotta work in the morning.

I reached for the door handle.

Locked!?!

I heard a voice over the intercom.

Mr. Hogan, Are you OK?

No! I’m Not OK! Look At My Feet!

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the wall. My face was beet red.

Shit! OK! OK! OK! I want to speak to someone right now! Someone in Charge.

The doors to the room flew open. Guards rushed in holding tazers. “Don’t move!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I Want to Speak with Whoever is in Charrr…

The tazer hit me in my mighty left foot.

I flopped on the floor like a fish out of water.

ZZZZZ! Zap!

The guards pulled me to my feet. restraining me.

I Want My Lawyer!

Calm Down. A voice said over the intercom.

Calm down? Calm DOWN! Look at My Feet. Look at My Face! You Calm Down! Next guy who shoots me with a tazer is gonna regret it.

A Man and Woman wearing lab coats entered the room, The Man held a clipboard. they immediately began speaking in low tones to each other.

After a brief discussion, they looked at my feet, then up at me.

Mr Hogan. I’m Doctor Leake. This is Professor Funt. The woman nodded to me. We’re here to help you.

Is that why you shot me with the stun gun?

That was an accident.

A regrettable mistake to be sure.

Mr Hogan, we are going to remove your restraints. Can we count on you to remain calm?

Get these things off! What the hell is wrong with me? What did you do to me?

Please, if you can’t remain calm…

The Professor nodded to a guard who took off the cuffs.

I’m calm. calmer than you are.

Mr Hogan, have you recently had an encounter with a being not of this earth.

You mean the Squirrel? Yeah, I know him. I mean, I’ve seen him. Couple times. He’s not from another world? Is he?

Squirrel?

Nevermind.

Have you begun to have dreams and exhibit behavior for which you cannot account for?

Boogie man been paying me a visit lately. But I’ve been dreaming about him since I was a kid. He’s not very fast. so I always get away or wake up. What’s this have to do with my face and feet?

Sir we want to help you, but you need to sit down and let us examine you.

I’d heard enough.

I kept asking questions to which I was getting no answers.

The exit was a mere few feet away.

It was now or never.

I yelled “Look Out!” Pointing to the back wall.

Works every time.

The minute they turned to look?

I bolted for the door.

In the hallway. I ran headfirst into an older woman who screamed at me.

I pushed past her.

Outta My Way Grandma!

I kept running through double doors marked Lab.

Inside the room, an operating table. people were dressed in scrubs, everyone’s face covered in a surgical mask. all eyes turned towards me.

I ran back out.

Someone yelled Hey You!

In the Hall, Three more people ran by me with massive feet?

A young woman shouted.

C’mon This Way!

I fell right in step with them.

Our Feet on the cold floors made a loud slapping sound.

We sounded like a team full of flat footed basketball players running the floor in an empty gym.

Three guards rounded the corner of the hallway.

Let’s Go!

One of the three, whose name I found out later was Knut dove head first out a 2nd story window.

Without questioning, the other two followed.

The sun had just gone down.

I looked out and saw them rolling in the grass below.

The doors to a van opened and a woman and a boy jumped out. yelling DAD!

Knut hugged his son. everyone climbed into the van.

The woman in the passenger seat looked up at me and said. Come with Us, It’s your only chance.

So…..I jumped. thankfully I didn’t break anything.

I dove in the back of the van.

They slammed the door and the kid driving punched the gas pedal.

We sped out of the medical center parking lot.

Looking at the others in the van you couldn’t help but notice, our giant feet and red faces.

Still out of breath, Knut hugged his wife. And put his hand on his son’s shoulder.

The rest of us were struggling to get more room. It was tight inside the van and had a really funky smell.

I asked them to let me out at the next corner.

The kid looked at his dad.

You could be a bit more grateful you know? Knut said.

No one else said a word.

I kept quiet. I had no idea who these people were.

We drove for a bit, making sure we weren’t being followed. satisfied, we turned down a dirt road. the kid killed the lights and pulled over.

Knut got out.

I was as confused as I’d ever been in my life.

And Manny? I’ve been confused a lot.

Can someone tell me what’s happening? I went in for an MRI?

So did we.

Who are you? what did they do to us?

They lied to you. they lied to all of us.

The third man who extended his hand introduced himself as Tom.

This is Sally, Knut you’ve met.

The woman extended her hand.

I looked at her feet. Umm.

And she glanced at mine. Yeah….

Bunch of army types. Kept us locked in cages. Cameras on us. guards watching us round the clock. We’re Guinea Pigs! Nothing more.

Heard a couple of guards talking last night. Some kinda experiment. Testing some vaccine. We weren’t suppose to get out. Knut here smashed a guard in the face with his food tray, We grabbed his keys and made a run for it.”

As I was talking to Tom and Sally.

Knut came over and said we needed to spilt up. He was taking the van and heading to Canada.

The rest of us? Would have to fend for ourselves.

What about my wife? Surely they have contacted her. Do I dare try to reach her? Are the phones safe? What if somebody’s watching our house?

Knut had to go. We shook hands, wished each other luck. And they left.

The three of us stood in the road watching the vans tail lights fade from view.

I think Knut is right. We need to spilt up. One of us needs to get to a newspaper or someplace with internet access.

Screw the internet. I want to talk to someone and find out if they can correct this?

Look? people disappear all the time. Best get it on the web first.

North is taken. I’ll head east. Sally?

South, I guess? Right…..now?

Yeah, our best chance to get some help. We can’t hide forever like this.

I said, I’d head west. Although that was BS. I was heading home. Who knows what the hell they told our families? Maybe I’ll call from the corner. Make sure the coast is clear.

We shook hands and set off into the woods.

Overhead helicopters circled. I could hear loudspeakers.

They had someone. Maybe both of them cornered?

I kept moving, fast as I could, given the circumstances.

They caught me climbing a fence on the highway. There was nowhere to run.

You’d think with big feet I’d be able to run faster?

I was put into a helicopter and flown back to the medical center where I was put into a cage.

Back where I started from.

The next morning.

I woke up and my feet were back to their normal size.

Whatever they did to us? was temporary.

I was interviewed by a mysterious man in a black suit, after which I was given paperwork to sign.

I was told if I signed? and kept my mouth shut? I could go home.

If I ever divulged any piece of what happened? I would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

I have no proof this ever happened. No paperwork, photos. nothing. Just a piece of paper with a phone number that’s been disconnected.

I had no case. no one believed a word I said.

Not my family, my friends, not even my doctor who had ordered the test to begin with.

Something about the man’s tone, told me it was best for me and my family to keep quiet.

The man in the black suit had disappeared. Like he never existed.

Numerous attempts were made to contact someone, anyone, who could give me answers.

I tried locating the others, to no avail, all I ever had was their first names.

My Doctor tells me he has no knowledge of what transpired the day of my test? they claim I was a no show. informing me, I would be required to pay for the missed appointment.

There is no record of any technician named Lynn working at the medical center. No Doctor Leake or Professor Funt on the buildings staff directory. No one had ever heard of any mysterious man in a black suit. nor did they employ any security guards with tazers?

All I got? was the run around.

I couldn’t get any help, no information.

To this day, the government refuses to acknowledge anything of the experiment I underwent.

Why talk now you ask?

Well? I decided to come forward mostly to warn people.

We are cattle, people take advantage of our nature. Our belief that we’re all in this together.

Take this story to heart.

I have a feeling I’m being followed.

I think my phone is bugged.

The people I thought I could count on? Have urged me to let it go. To quit goofing around.

Thankfully the neighbors dog still listens to me. He’s not much help mind you? But it’s good to have someone to talk to.

We speak every night, and sometimes in the morning at the fence after he’s done his business.

I’m not sure what my next step is?

I haven’t gotten any results back from the MRI I took. my doctor claims I never took it, and that we need to reschedule.

I don’t relish the notion I have to go back to do it again.

Would you?

My doctor tells me they still don’t know what’s wrong?

Apparently? he wants more tests done.

What can you do?

You get the tests done right?

What’s the alternative?

Cross your fingers, Hope for the best?

This is my life we’re talking about.

Without your health you have nothing.

The man in the black suit is a worthy adversary.

If you see or meet him?

Act accordingly.

Noises in the back yard.

Whispering. couldn’t make it out.

Last winter something broke into our shed and ate a bag of sand.

Unusual things were happening.

People behaving oddly.

This was familiar. I’d seen this kind of thing before.

I was suspicious, green-eyed, uptight and ornery. Doesn’t take much to get me riled.

Did I mention someone or something ate a bag of sand out of our shed?

Strangers appear at our door. a man and woman.

Asking me if I accept Jesus Christ as my savior? Looking left, then right. I slowly step outside onto our porch.

Who are these two characters?

They appeared to be alone?

One can never tell, can one?

I grab the man by the lapel of his suit.

Shouting,

WHO SENT YOU!

His eyes widened, his female companion backed away cautiously.

Why? Jesus Did. the man said.

OKAY. Good Answer, Good Answer.

I release him. helping to straighten his coat, brushing lint off his shoulder.

You think you could come back next week? I have sinned repeatedly today and I am in desperate need of a shower.” I said winking at him.

The man looked down and away, moving to where the woman now stood in a defensive posture on our front lawn.

A word of caution my friends. be careful, the house next to mine has some bad hombres living in it. if I were you sir? I would not let the woman approach the door. their teenage boys will surely tear through her like locust. let her wait the next one out in the car.

The man nodded.

The woman, balled up her fists ready to tussle if necessary.

Neither appeared to be intoxicated or concealing a weapon. was the lord truly what they wanted?

I thanked both of them politely for stopping by. finally reassuring, discreetly. so they would know. and not worry.

I have nothing but good intentions. should you try to tell anyone differently? well? No one will ever believe you.

Maybe they were up to something? I had good reason to be cautious.

Suspicious visitors, curfew violators and backyard fornicators have me in a heightened state of alert.

I would stand watch tonight in the garage with a shovel. anyone who thinks they can infiltrate our security perimeter. Is in for a surprise.

3 AM.

I wedge a chair up against the garage door and go to bed.

Not sure how long I slept. wasn’t long.

Was that the doorbell?

What time is it?

I look over at my wife who is sound asleep.

Suddenly.

Bright light fills the room from our window outside. I hold my arm up to shield my eyes.

Shadows move in the backyard. the glass to our backdoor shatters.

Something is in the house.

Whispering.

Floors creak. then stop. in the hall, outside our bedroom. whispering.

Our bedroom door opened. I couldn’t move. the fear. paralyzed me.

Something throwing shapes entered the room.

Next to the bed. it moved into view. 4 feet tall, pale, almost translucent skin. head too big for its body. small mouth. big old creepy fish eyes with long skinny arms and Nosferatu crablike fingers.

Rolling his large fish eyes at me, Johnny Fishbone slapped his noggin with his creepy little crab leg fingers. trying to communicate.

I couldn’t make out a gurgle.

The visitor pointed to the window. then at the ceiling, then turned to the bed.

It didn’t look like he wanted to be pals.

Staring into my mind. I could hear it’s thought’s.

The Shrimp , Crab And Lobster you so love to eat? They’re beings from my world. we came here many years ago. seeking refuge. settling in your oceans. never meaning you any harm. yet? you hunt us for food. we left our planet to preserve our species. we asked only for a place to be safe. to live and raise our young. instead you cover us with hot butter and lemons, cocktail and tartar sauces. serve us as appetizers to fat people who could afford to skip a meal.

Your Doctors warn you that eating us will give you high cholesterol which leads in some instances to early death in adults. matters not. you just keep shoveling it in. Shell Fish as you call us. can’t you hear us scream when you cook and kill us? We obviously underestimated the numbers who would find us delicious. in hindsight we should have been more careful, we thought the oceans would be safe. until your fishing industries became more relentless. tell your leaders. to stop now. before we are forced to defend ourselves.

He waved his left hand in front of my face.

Then it was over.

Johnny Fishbone vanished. his bright light was gone.

Darkness returned. along with it silence.

I wanted to wake my wife, take her in my arms, look into her eyes and tell her everything was going to be alright.

I chose to let her sleep, she looked so peaceful. I would tell her in the morning.

There would be no sleep for me until I knew we were safe. I went back out into the garage and stood guard until sunrise.

Look to the skies. imagine what’s out there.

Now? imagine that one day, it shows up, breaks into your house and tells you how it’s gonna be going forward.

Hopefully? you’ll just get a lecture. a word of warning from Johnny Fishcakes.

Why Me? Why did he choose me to deliver this message? who are my leaders anyway? are they in the phonebook? will they pick up the phone if I call? what if I get the answering machine?

Do I enjoy those Shrimp, Crab and Lobster delicacies? wellll? yeah.

I’m suppose to speak out for Johnny Fishsticks and his tasty little friends?

Somethings coming. something with an agenda.

Do this, don’t do that, act this way and not that way. listen to this and listen to that. you should do this and you shouldn’t do that. this is how you should be, how you should do things. I have the answers you need. know it alls. some wearing overalls, clipboards in hand, looking to have you take a stand. do you have a minute? no? well then? I’ll come back later.

Lock your windows. Do not answer the door.

Take precautions.

Was that the doorbell? At this hour?

This is it.

_______________

In front of a restaurant the sign read.

Squirrels always look and act like it’s their first day being a Squirrel.

Well? I don’t know about that. I can assure you the Squirrels I’m familiar with, absolutely do not behave like this. These cold, calculating, insidious little creatures are simply not to be trusted.

Never more sure of anything in my life.

The squirrel in the tree above appeared to be laughing at me.

Hissing at it. I turned back to my raking. filling up seven more bags of leaves.

Looked back up into the tree.

Odd, still there.

Only now, there’s two more with it. watching me.

Exchanging sideways glances.

These three were up to something. No two ways about it.

Imposter. I heard a voice say, You fool no one.

The voice sounded like Peter Lorre?

At once the other two started in on me.

He’s holding the rake all wrong! Will ya look at this guy?

He’s not taking into account the wind? it’s out of the west.

No No it’s out of the north!

Hey man? get it together. rake away from the wind, geez c’mon!

If he’d check the weather he’d see the wind is going to pick up.

Peter Lorre and his squirrely pals were hassling me. criticizing my technique. my way of doing things.

I rubbed my eyes. nope, still there.

If he waited two days? he wouldn’t have to rake em? they’re all gonna blow away!

One put a finger in its mouth to dampen it, holding it aloft to test the wind.

High pressure system is heading our way. winds definitely gonna change. it said.

I dropped the rake and ran into the house.

That night, as I slept.

A voice, Imposter.

Tossed and Turned all night.

Dreamt of Squirrels. Some pointed at me and laughed. One punched his fist repeatedly into its palm, Some gave me knowing nods and thumbs up, one flipped me the bird.

The very next afternoon.

I was raking in the yard again,

Looked up into the trees, they were filled with squirrels.

Every branch. Every limb was full of them. And every one of them was looking at me.

Do yourself a favor, move back to the city, you’re out of your element.

It was that prick Peter Lorre.

One of his henchmen threw a bus ticket at me. told me to Beat it.

An eerie silence fell.

The herd of squirrels continued staring at me from the branches above.

Something deep inside me decided enough was enough. Everybody else will tell you I just fuckin’ snapped.

I calmly went into our garage, found the can of gas for the lawnmower, pouring it out at the base of a tree.

Yeah, damn right I lit it.

How do you like that PETER?!? WHERE’S YOUR MOSES NOW!?!

Flames raced up the trees trunk.

The Screen door exploded open. My wife, ran out of the house, grabbing our garden hose spraying the tree with water.

In the distance, sirens approached.

Can you believe that Honey? Did you see them? Did you hear what Peter said to me? Look? they gave me this bus ticket.

She looked at our charred tree, before turning to contemplate the love of her life.

What is wrong with you? What Bus Ticket? Who’s Peter!?

I Didn’t Do Anything? They Started it!

A fire truck pulled up in front of our house. followed by the police. I was ticketed, assigned a court date and told in no uncertain terms not to set anymore fires.

I walked back into the house. and stared at the fireplace. confused.

The following morning, got dressed and went out into our front yard to scan the trees.

Where’d they all go?

It began to rain. winds were gusting through the branches. I stood there soaked to the bone an hour or so watching and listening. Until I heard the rumble of thunder. I had some chores to do before the game started.

Work, work, work.

That afternoon, I fell asleep on the couch.

I was in Hawaii. relaxing in a lounge chair at the pool.

A squirrel in sun glasses approached me and asked me If I’d like something to drink? I said, No thank you, Would it be possible to get something to eat?

The squirrel shook his head, hit me with his little drink tray and ran off.

Rolling off the couch, I landed on the floor with a thud.

Had a difficult time sleeping that night. keeping one eye on the tree outside our bedroom window. first I heard scratching. then murmuring? as though an angry crowd had gathered.

It kept growing louder and louder.

I pulled the covers up to my chin and waited.

The next day at work things got a little sketchy. I had some sort of a confrontation with a parking meter.

At lunch, Co-workers saw me yelling at my sandwich in the breakroom.

All anyone would say is, he seemed incredibly distraught.

They called my wife to come get me. To be clear, if I may?

Just because she signed the papers to put me away. does not mean she doesn’t care. It’s a temporary arrangement. ok?

She needed to do something I suppose? Everyday for the past two weeks.

I would come home from work and run through the sprinkler in my suit.

Sure, I got a few strange looks. But what the hell? I’ve been under a lot of stress at work in my defense.

Down the street, we have a guy who once a week cuts his lawn, crack of dawn in his pajamas while drinking a glass of wine.

Now that’s weird….Right?

Everybody’s dealing with something. You know?

Pressures either at work, issues with your kids, your spouse, maybe it’s a combination of things?

If that’s your only problem? Be Thankful. The stuff on the surface can be handled. You can work through it.

But, if you start to see things? Or hear voices? things that aren’t there? Well? You have my sympathy and my understanding Pal.

I really want to go home. I’m tired of all these restrictions.

I wasn’t talking to the squirrel. He was talking to me.

What was I suppose to do? Ignore it?

I should’ve, I could’ve, unfortunately? I didn’t.

So now?

I’m sharing a room with this guy who thinks he’s….Magilla Gorilla. Keeps calling me Ogee or Mr. Peebles.

I guess I shouldn’t complain, he’s respectful, picks up his stuff, stays on his side of the room. What more can you ask of a roommate? his goofy voice can wear on you. All this “Gee Mr. Peebles” nonsense. My Name is not Mr. Peebles. I don’t own a pet store with a Gorilla for sale.

Let it go man!

Won’t you buy him? Take him home and try him? Gorilla for sale.

C’mon? take him home and try him? That’ll never work. It’d destroy your house, kill your family? then what? Steal a Car, Head for the Empire State Building?

I only want to go home and run through the sprinkler. get things back to normal.

My wife told me on her last visit that my friends and co-workers have been calling to inquire how I’m doing?

I’m feeling better. the dreams have subsided. I am sleeping better.

Although? I can’t be sure that they won’t come back?

I saw a squirrel outside yesterday. stopped me in my tracks.

Didn’t talk to me. Didn’t even look my way. Which is fine by me.

Doctor tells me I should make a full recovery. I just need some rest.

Things are a lot easier here, I have lots of friends. nice bed to sleep in, three square meals a day.

I get visitors from time to time holding clipboards.

Everyone is always asking me how I am?

We get to talk about our problems every day. The people who work here are really friendly.

The patients are mostly cool. Mostly.

Except for this guy named Larry who keeps asking everyone, Is it safe?

How the fuck should I know Larry?

Tomorrow for grins. I might tell Larry, It’s not safe, while staring at his forehead. just to see what happens.

I think I’m calmer now? calmer than most people in here.

As long as I promise to take my medicine, listen to my doctors, and stay off the electric fence.

I can have jello for desert. And….Not the kind they put fruit in. I like my jello clean, and neat. Preferably Lime or Cherry. don’t even try to pass off that stuff you can’t see through. You know the kind I’m talking about? That pink or white shit. You never know what surprises they’re hiding in there? I like to see through my food when possible. Otherwise, I just keep picking at it until I’m sure there are no surprises. I won’t drink anything out of a can. Has to be a bottle or jug I can see through.

I use to love fast food. not anymore. Few years ago some cement head was putting severed fingers in the chili at Wendy’s after he purchased it? Then, Blaming Wendy’s for it? and suing them? Wendy’s? The Guy hired a lawyer to sue Wendy’s? for, Are you ready for this? Mental Anguish. Messed up the whole fast food thing for me. Can’t go near it anymore. Bums me out. Because I love Chili.

I also love a Good Fish Taco. Extra Fish. Grande Fishy Taco por favor. With a glass of water. from a bottle, no ice.

Sometimes, I Hear Voices.