Humor | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do / Humor | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do

Characters

Tommy Doyle, mid-sixties

Jimmy O’Leary, mid-sixties

Place 

Pub in Ireland.

As the evening sun goes down.

Two men sit at a table, coupla pints between em.

Jimmy Who found him?

Tommy Da Kelly widah. on da side of the road.

Jimmy Was he already gone already when she got to him?

Tommy Dead as a dodo.

Jimmy Tis Fierce Warm.

Tommy It’s Fierce Early. Ya?

Jimmy Aiye.

Tommy I was going to mow the lawn today. Maybe I’ll just wait until it burns?

Jimmy Ders no sign or notice of Muldoon’s funeral. Are they incinerating him?

Tommy Dunno.

Jimmy Would ya be buried or burnt?

Tommy Buried.

Jimmy Why’s tha?

Tommy What iffa we find hundreds of years from now, some advanced Alien race comes to Ireland ta resurrect those poor old souls whose lives were cut short too soon?

Jimmy How’ll they do tha?

Tommy Dunno? Der intelligence has to be far superior to ar’s.. My point is…iffing yar burnt, they have nothing to work with, do they now?

Jimmy Hundreds of years being buried? what’s left of ya to work with anyways?

Tommy Dunno? old bones mostly. Shar, they’re still pulling up dinosaurs bones n’ mummies from time to time.

Jimmy Dinosaurs? Ya fooking Eegit. Why is it them aliens haven’t resurrected the dinosaurs or mummies yet then?

Tommy Dunno? Perhaps they have a reason? Upsets the natural balance of things. Could happen. who knows wha’s out there? certainly something smarter.

Jimmy Well? Ol Muldoon wouldn’t be first choice to be bringin back now would he? He wouldn’t give ya da itch if he had twenty bags of it.

Tommy Ar ya goin to da mass.

Jimmy Shar, Shar.

Tommy  Even wit da guitars?

Jimmy The day they let the guitar in the mass was a bitter day for us all.

Tommy ‘Twas.

Jimmy What was da name of da nun when we were lads?

Tommy Ehh? Sister?…eh…Sister? Sister……Placenta!

Jimmy Placenta? No you!  Ya eegit. She had bad eyes. Wan lookin at ya, and wan lookin for ya. Use to fall asleep in class. Narcoleptic.

Tommy Was it Sister Innocenta?

Jimmy Innocenta…..That’s her!

Tommy I threw an eraser at her wan time when she went inta her trance. Tree months cleaning da blackboards as punishment. She had it in for me.

Jimmy They all had it in for yas.

Tommy A wild size of a woman. She couldn’t clap hands. She was that fat. Use to hit herself in da side a da face with her wan hand.

Jimmy I can smell the rain coming. Shame about Muldoon. Don’t like the idea he was alone.

Tommy Ah, Here. We all go dat way.

Jimmy On da side a da road?

Tommy Alone…..ya eegit.

Jimmy Will da brother be coming in for the funeral?

Tommy Doubtful? he’s in Iceland.

Jimmy Iceland Ya?

Tommy Got himself a job milking polar bears in Reykjavik.

Jimmy Hows tha?

Tommy For the zoo ya EE-git. He’s not doing it for kicks. He’s helping with the breeding of em.

Jimmy Wha?!? Breeding em?

Tommy Assisting….he’s not…..look…stop saying tha…….Jaysus!

Jimmy It’s none of me business wha he’s doin. I Just Hope he’s being careful?

Tommy Last time I saw Muldoon. He had a big ol hearing aid on. I’d swear it had a diesel engine on it. you’d want good hearing to hear through that fucker.

Jimmy His Maam and Da ar long since gone. is der any other family?

Tommy Sister named Sharon? awful tongue in her head. The family was blighted. Ahh Poor Ol Muldoon, He was a man you don’t meet everyday.

Jimmy Knew exactly how many grains in a bushel of wheat.

Tommy A well known agitator. Was proud to call him my friend.

Jimmy He couldn’t stand the sight of ya.

Tommy There’s the rain now. That’ll keep the dust down.

Jimmy It’ll be as wet as a duck’s foot soon.

Tommy Damp as an otters pocket.

Jimmy Passed a wild pile of wimman on da way over.

Tommy Wha’s that?

Jimmy Wimman I said. didn’t spare the varnish either. Had he been ill?

Tommy Who?

Jimmy Who? Muldoon!

Tommy Looked healthy to me, who can tell? feeling awright one minute, eternally resting on da side of da road da next.

Jimmy Aiye. until they come to collect ya.

Tommy ‘Tis awful, poor ol Muldoon. I’ll miss him.

Jimmy What about his former Missus?

Tommy Moved to Galway. Muldoon told me she blamed him for not getting her pregnant. never could accept that it was her that prevented them from having wee wans.

Jimmy So?

Tommy So? She left him. Fell in love with some professor fella, moved to Galway where they live today wit der 2 adopted children.

Jimmy ‘Tis Awful.

Tommy Destroyed him. takin to the drink fierce. Renouncing the church, after they found him to be at fault by the tribunal hearing da annulment.

Jimmy Wha? Is that all then?

Tommy It is.

Jimmy Jaysus.

Tommy You’ll remember? Ol Muldoon didn’t work t’all.  4-5 years ’twas. And him not on the dole? Fierce proud man. Wouldn’t accept any charity. His Mrs had enough of em. What, Wit da fertility issues and him not workin? provided just the out with da church allowing her to remarry.

Jimmy Poor Ol Muldoon.

Tommy Ah well? he got over it. was quite popular with the ladies for a time.

Jimmy Aiye Ol Muldoon…..find a clitoris in a haystack.

Tommy Not anymore.

Jimmy No, Never no more.

Tommy I’d like to find a clitoris. doesn’t have to be in a haystack either. have ya seen any about?

Jimmy I told yas, wild pack of em. headed this way. fix yer face princess.

Tommy I Wish he was here, I’ll miss him.

Jimmy Aiye, I will as well.

Tommy Poor ol Muldoon. Gave her everything he could for as long as he could. Til he had nothing left ta give her. right big sap, the sacred vows meant nothing. Sad, Never liked her.

Jimmy She felt da same way bout ya.

Tommy Wha’s tha?

Jimmy Sad I said.

Tommy Aiye.

Jimmy Well? best be gettin home then. Cowld as an eskimos arse out.

Tommy It’s as cowld as a ministers visit.

Jimmy Cowld as a trouts hole.

Tommy Cowld as a hoors heart.

Jimmy Goodnight to ya. Go right home ya squint.

Tommy Where else?

Jimmy Stay off da side of da road.

Tommy Words to live by.

Trees up and down our block were filled with toilet paper.

Garbage cans overturned in the street. grass bags gutted. mailboxes knocked off their hinges, lawn art destroyed.

An old woman wearing rhinestone rimmed glasses stood in her front yard weeping into her hands.

The remains of a bird house lay in shambles at her feet.

Someone had knocked it down?

She and her father had built it when she was just a little girl.

Now? it was gone. with it, a sweet memory of time spent together.

Lois Ahnya removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes.

We all knew who did it.

It was those Macgillycuddy Bastards.

I’d dealt with these two before.

Troublemakers. make no mistake about it.

Rocks, bottles, bricks, boards and bats were the instruments of their trade.

If you had a son or daughter the age of these boys? You spent the better part of your day dodging em.

Not an easy thing to do when you’re from a small village.

Timmy Macgillycuddy , younger of the two boys. Shifty eyes, mean, cunning. I wish I could say he was highly intelligent. but that would be a lie. he was trouble, a weasel. equally adept using his feet or fists to inflict damage . His preferred weapon of choice was anything he could get his grubby little paws on. Didn’t matter. rock, stick or garbage can lid. anything he could throw at your head.

Billy Macgillycuddy, the older brother. When he looked at you? It felt like he wanted to chew on your face. something was just not right about that boy.

First time I saw them. they were standing in the street in front of our house throwing rocks at a mailbox.

They had moved onto our block a few years before we did. people felt helpless. some gave up, moved out.

Surely it can’t be as bad as that?

You got a minute? My neighbor Monty Asked.

When they first moved into town, the boys were invited to a birthday party for one of the local kids. You know the Monahan’s? Their son Finn?

Well, At the party……One of the other children made the mistake of telling Timmy to…Stop chewing with your mouth open.

Timmy took it up to ninety. flipping the table over on top of the birthday boy. His older brother unaware of what was happening, having just come out of the bathroom, picked up a chair and threw it into the melay. both boys grabbed an armful of gifts. and fled out the front door.

Nobody knew what to do? call the parents? they’re just kids after all. kids being kids.

They’ll grow out of it. right? isn’t calling the parents a little excessive? You want to do it? go ahead. The Mother is a Nut. The Husband? a hardchaw not to be trifled with.

I asked if anyone ever saw them at parent teacher conferences?

Responses varied from. “Oh Thank God, No!” to “Holy Jaysus, I hope not?” to “No? Is She Here?! I said good morning to her once…..she told me to go shit in my hat.”

The entire neighborhood had their fill, it was looking like the next incident would push good people too far.

We all wanted these little hooligans gone.

We just didn’t know how to do it? the coppers weren’t being much help.

Garaging was rampant in the neighborhood. Items reported stolen included, tools, balls, bats and bikes.

Most of the handy work having been done after dark. no one saw a thing. people were installing security cameras, The town locksmith was working overtime. One of my neighbors suggested we dig a pit in his backyard and try and trap em.

Lois had reached her limit. enough was enough. from then on? anytime the boys made an appearance on the street. they got the hose. playtimes over now eh?

When the boys hit or kicked a ball onto her property. she’d burst out the front door, grab the ball, stare the boys down, and return with it to her home.

If they tried to enter the property from the rear? she’d sick her dog on em. German Shepard, Named Doug.

Something was gonna give. a few bets were made on the side. everyone had their money on the boys.

I wasn’t so sure.

Weeks passed. things quieted in the neighborhood.

Tuesday Night turned to Wednesday morning.

A favorite pastime of the boys was ghost riding bikes.

Our street has a slight grade to it, which makes it the perfect test track.

Ghost riding a bike is an art form. you have to know exactly when to dismount. when to release. and a general idea where you hope to have it go.

One judges a good ride on the length. the longer it travels un-piloted, the better the rush is.

Lois was backing her car out of the driveway.

The bike had been released. rolling on its own accord. Riderless.

On impact the back tire rotated over the front. striking the passenger door window shattering it.

Broken Glass flew every which-ways.

Lois catching most of it in the beehive.

Thankfully she was wearing her glasses.

Bridie Donovan out watering her porch plants shrieked. she had witnessed the whole diabolical thing from across the street. barreling inside to call the police.

Billy and Timmy scattered.

Ducking between the Mulligan and Kelly’s straight home to establish an alibi.

At The Macgillycuddy residence.

The boys were questioned by our village finest. One Officer Fink. followed by a trip with their mother to the station to fill out some paperwork. their attorney apprised of the situation would meet them to assist.

Malicious mischief, destruction of property were the charges. all misdemeanors. sadly? not a felony to be to be found.

They claim to have only borrowed the bicycle. and were on their way to return it when it jumped up, took off and plowed into Lois car.

This wasn’t the boys first trip to court.

“No Boy is Bad If Given a Chance?”

Father Flanagan of Boys Town obviously had never met these two. Pah! What did he know about good boys? No boy is bad is it?

Well aware of who was in front of him. The judge sighed and shook his head.

A warning was not going to suffice this time.

1500-2500 to fix the damages estimates provided the court stated.

In Addition, Her attorney asked the court for compensatory damages to her bird house.

The judge, while being sympathetic to her testimony. was unable to indict the boys on the bird house destruction. there were no witnesses after all? unlike the ghost ride.

Seated nearby, Lois enjoyed the proceedings immensely. leaning forward cupping her hand over her mouth while she listened intently.

The judge heard the case as put forth by the attorney’s representing each party. after which he remanded the boys to juvenile detention for 30 days.

What started as a giggle turned into uncontrollable hysterics.

Rising from her seat. she exited the court room laughing all the way out.

The Macgillycuddy’s glared, watching her in silence.

A month? that’s it, is it? Well?

Better than a sharp stick in the eye.

All anyone knew or care, was they were gone. for now.

Everyday is a gift.

I’m excited to find out what’s next?

You never know what tomorrows going to bring.

The town I live in has been over run by skunks.

They’re everywhere. if you own a dog? The chances are its been sprayed by one.

I was told that if you encounter one and it’s getting ready to blast you? You’ll know it because the tail raises right before it releases its stank. if you can move fast enough and pin its tail down? you just might avoid getting blasted.

I tested this theory out recently while taking care of my mother in laws dog.

I’m gonna refrain from using his name here, I’m not sure he’d like me involving him.

Upon coming across a skunk on a walk with “the dog.” I startled it.

Now a skunk moves slowly. The don’t run away. More like waddle away.

I should mention I was as scared of it, as it was of me,

I wasn’t looking for any trouble.

We were minding our own beeswax.

Try explaining that to a frightened animal with a brain the size of a pea.

I panicked dropping the dog’s leash as the rotten little stinker raised its tail.

It nailed me mid charge squarely in the chest.

Stunned me. can’t describe it. it was awful.

The skunk took off between a couple of houses.

I looked over at my mother in laws dog.

I swear it had this look, like, “What the hell were you thinking?”

I was, after all? only trying to protect him.

I ran home dog in tow, thinking….how am I going to explain this?

Why didn’t I just leave it alone?

It’s a skunk.

My wife bathed me in a mixture of hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and liquid dish soap. which? trust me on this, sounds a lot better than it is. The concoction is supposed to lessen the smell. it did help a little. I guess? Though not enough to be let back into the house.

I had to throw out what I was wearing, and sleep in the garage.

My mother in laws dog got an apology in the morning. me? I got nuthin.

He had to sleep in the garage with me. We didn’t say much to one another.

I’m not going to have to dog sit anymore, I’m pretty sure.

I was told by my wife and mother-in-law I can’t be trusted.

And if we do get to watch the dog?

My wife can walk him. I’ve been asked to stand down. I’m out. done.

Too bad really, Cause I love the little guy. We were friends once. maybe we can patch up our differences someday and move forward. people do it all the time.

Skunks? really? getting to be no ones safe outside after dark. take heed.

They’re out there you know? waiting. watching.

I’m just lucky none of my neighbors saw the exchange. This kind of stuff is not what I want to be known for around town. I’ve already made a few bad judgement calls since we moved in according to my wife. I’m trying to fit in here, honest I am. but we’re talking about a wild animal. and they can be unpredictable. you never know what they’re thinking.

If I could have somehow communicated with it? I would have told it, ramble on little friend, the dog and I mean you no harm. he’s just got to take a leak, and I’m only out walking him because my mother-in-law is out of town.

Alas that would not matter. no words or hopes or prayers would save me on this evening stroll. I was dealing with a force of nature. one that could not and would not be reasoned with.

If only? I had not panicked.

If only? I had not listened to my co-workers advice.

Maybe, I would have avoided the ordeal?

I really am not the monster I appear to be. I love animals. its true animals sense something inside of us. they have a sixth sense. this animal like other animals I have come into contact with in my life decided that enough was enough. he must pay. there is a bill that must be paid. a debt that must be settled.

I’m not going out after dark anymore. let them tangle with someone else for a change.

I’m through with the animal kingdom for a while. at least for the time being.

I cannot look back on a life of achievement anymore, or of challenges met, or competitors bested.

This obstacle was not overcome. I was.

Leaves were falling. the village was beautiful. the richness of colors, stunning. you don’t get this living in the concrete jungle. or if you live in an arid landscape. We deal with cold temperatures Bub.

The beauty of the changing seasons is our reward. something to embrace.

The doorbell rang. I opened it.

They thought I didn’t recognize them. It was The Macgillycuddy Boys.

Billy and his younger brother Timmy.

Both boys ran with the gang that would throw snowballs at my car last winter.

It was them. make no mistake about it.

The older brother was doing the talking now.

“Mister? do you need someone to rake your leaves?”

I locked eyes with the little one. he was giving me the stink eye.

“Is there something wrong young man?” he wouldn’t answer me. “Is this your brother?”

“Un-huh,” Billy responded.

“Are the two of you registered to rake leaves in this state?” they looked at each other.

“Are we what?” Billy asked.

“Registered. are you Registered? Do you boys speak English?”

“Un huh.” Billy said.

“So, let me get this straight? You two are Brothers. You live in Illinois, You speak English. You’re here today to ask me to rake the leaves in my yard for money. Are you boys Troublemakers?”

The younger one rolled his eyes. I looked at him. “Do you remember me Timmy?”

“No.” Timmy said.

“You Don’t?” I asked him very directly.

“No.” he said. I stood there staring at Him. Timmy starting tugging at his brother’s coat, he cupped his hand whispering something in his ear.

Billy spoke up.” “Mister we gotta go.”

“Go? but you just got here? wait a second, you came here today with a business proposition and now you want to run off before you get an answer to your question?”

“Umm? we…Umm?” Billy stuttered.

“Young Man ask me your question again.” they exchanged glances.

Billy softly asked “Umm…Would you like somebody to rake your leaves?”

“Somebody? Who?”

Timmy rolled his eyes again. exasperated he blurted out, “Us.

I shook my head from side to side like I was being offered something that smelled rank.  “No Thank You.” and closed our door.

I woke the next morning and looked out our window. the nine bags of leaves I had left out on my curb for pick up were spread all over our front lawn. the bags were missing and so were the yard waste stickers you are required to purchased from the village. no sticker? no pickup. someone was sending me a message.

It was The Macgillycuddy Boys.

Standing in your yard trying to clear it of leaves while more leaves drift down on you from the trees above can wear on you. Last year I raked 47 bags of leaves. a few of my neighbors were quite amused at the eager new guy on the block who thought he could stay ahead of Mother Nature. Mother Nature wins every time. don’t even try to take her on. she’ll kick your ass pal. Imagine trying to keep snow off your driveway in the middle of a blizzard? That is the feeling you get on my street when the leaves start to fall.

“Why don’t you hire a couple of kids from the neighborhood?” My neighbor Nancy asked me. “Why are you putting yourself through this?”

I smiled and almost bit through my lip. I wanted to throw her in her bushes.

Pay someone to tend our land? Never!

Never say Never……Ever.

I woke up and felt like a hundred year old man. My Back was killing me. my left shoulder ached.

I went over to take a look at the community bulletin board at our grocery store to see if I could find someone to handle the leaves for me. Tacked on the board was a piece of paper. It read in bold print.

FALL CLEANUP. We Rake Leaves.

At the bottom of the page was a phone number.

I called the number, a woman answered.

“I’m calling about the Fall Cleanup.”

She said, “Sure, hold on a second. SHAN….NON it’s for You!”

Shannon? a few seconds later a girl’s voice on the other end said, “Hello?”

I introduced myself. “Are you the person to speak to regarding the fall cleanup?”

“Yes.” she said. “My friend Eileen and I will rake and clean up your yard.”

“Great, How do we get started?” she informed me that they could come out tomorrow after school for an estimate. I gave her our address. we arranged to meet at 4:30.

4:30 on the dot. I was out in front of our house when two young girls with rakes walked up. Shannon the young woman I spoke with on the phone said “Hello.” then introduced me to her friend Eileen.

I showed them the yard, “Ladies? what’s this going to cost me?” they gave me three options. once a week 40 dollars, twice a week 60. and for the season 160.

“I’d like you to handle the season. When can you start?”

They looked at each other smiling.

“Right now? If you’d like?”

They went to work. no smirking, no shuffling of feet, no stink eye.

They raked both the front and backyard. bagging about 17 bags of leaves all neatly stacked at the curb. Once they finished they knocked on our door, still smiling. telling me they would be back on Saturday.

“Ladies? before you go? do you know the Macgillycuddy Boys from down the street?”

“Yeah, We Know Them.” Shannon replied.

I sensed an edge in her voice.

“Ladies? I’m worried that Billy and Timmy won’t be happy with you taking their business. I have it on good authority that these two boys are known troublemakers around town, it’s possible they might try to undermine your business.”

“Undermind?” Shannon inquired.

“Yes, undermine, They want to try to keep all the business to themselves. we’re not all bad ladies. but these boys? The Macgillycuddy’s? I just don’t trust them. Billy told me that if you want a Woman to do your work for you? go ahead hire one, see what kind of job they do? they’ll take your money and never show up. they also said you two ladies had been in trouble with the police?”

“Police?!?” The smiles disappeared.

“Yes, The Police. I also suspect that they might try to sabotage your work by dumping the leaves you worked so hard in raking on the ground.”

Eileen looked at me and said, “They better not.”

“Yes.” I pointed at Eileen. “They better not, keep an eye out for them.”

They told me they would, and to not worry.

Want to be treated like a professional? prepare like one. project yourself as one.

It was clear these girls knew the score.

In the business world today. when you look to provide a service to someone. you better be able to provide the customer with the factual information they need to make a well-informed decision that is best for them. You can’t stand in front of someone during a sales pitch and say, Umm? and Roll your Eyes at the potential customer. You sure as shooting can’t give them the Stink Eye and then expect them to give you money?

“Tell that to your little brother, The Eye Roller.”

Characters

Oona O’Brien fifties

Eamon O’Brien fifties

Place

Rural Ireland.

Present Day

Interior of a small cottage. a table with four chairs. a sink and stove. couch and television. a small fire burns in the fireplace. it’s late. a womans loud voice is heard, screams intermittently fill the room. in the corner of the room Eamon has his ear to the wall. his wife Oona enters.

Eamon  Jaysus! they’re still going at it.

Can ya believe it darlin? Did ya hear what she was saying to that lucky lucky man? got us a hairy growler living next door. better lock the doors and shut the windows. hate to think of what she might do to me, were she to get in here?

Oona  She’s a grin on her like a dead hare.

Eamon  She’s a mauler alright, are you listening to that? Oh my Jaysus! easy now. take it easy woman. the man has to work in the marning!

Oona  Steal the blessing from the holy water. face on her like a plate of mortal sins.

Eamon  Maybe I should talk to er, let er know we can hear em going at it?

Oona  If you could hear what I hear? you’d never speak to yourself again.

Eamon  I wonder how long he can last in there? Da poor fella. she’s eating the head off.

Oona  The wheels turning. but the hamsters dead innit?

Eamon  Good Fuck. Didja hear it! Call the Peelers. God Help Em! something broke in there.

Oona   Settle Down, Careful, Careful Now. your blood pressure is shar to be up. It’s a Dangerous Game yar playing.

Eamon  Yore Ma!

Oona Ya Gobshite, Me Mam Warned Me About Ya!

Eamon Ah Here now woman. I’d be lost without ya. if I upset yas? darling? I,I, I was only….

Oona  …..Don’t talk about me Mam.

Hang on? it’s gone quiet.

Eamon  Maybe they’ve finally gone to sleep? I’ll just go next door and listen through the lock?

Oona  Is that what you’d like? is it?

Eamon  It is.

Oona  Well go on. Get a leg over. maybe you can join them.

Eamon  Well now, I don’t think I could keep up with em.

Was it not too long ago that was us now woman? have you forgotten? I remember the first time I saw you in secondary school. walked right into an ambush on me heart. you batted those eyelashes of yours and smiled. was mighty. you didn’t know it at the time. I hid it from you. fearful you wouldn’t feel the same. make no mistake about it. you took my heart that day. I’d had it. making me pursue you throughout school, letting me get close. though never close enough to me liking. seemed like the longest courtship a young lad should ever have to go through.

Standing outside at night, looking into the sky, wondering if you were awake. if you had your knickers on?

Teasing me, ever so slowly, letting me. go a little farther.

Oona  I remember the where’s and the when’s. they are treasures I hold in me heart.

Eamon  Ah me as well darling.

I wouldn’t trade the journey we’ve been on together for anything in this world. in the darkness, we found each other. at that right time. in that right place.

I hope those american kids, enjoy their youth, that she flattens him every night for as long as possible. for as we both now know, it’s slips away all to soon. maybe we can’t have what we once had. though perhaps? we can find something new, something different.

We all make plans. somewhere along the road. in ways we never expected. change occurred. through it all. we stayed loyal to each other. life got interesting when it got tough. once I was old enough to understand that bad things weren’t just happening to me. that they happen to us all. my perception of life changed. I stopped feeling that weight. all that sorrow I carried around inside me for so long? disappeared.

I miss us the way we use to be Mrs. I get lonely. don’t you have feelings for me anymore? yer me bride. I love ya. is there no hope for us? it’s not natural. is it? acting like there’s nothing wrong?

Ever since they moved in? and all that racket began. I’ve been thinking of when that was us.

I can still see ya with one leg up’n the dash and nothing on but the radio.

There was a time. everywhere and anywhere we could, we did. do ya remember? in the woods, up the hills, by the stream. we couldn’t wait to see each other. anticipation. passion. ohh darling, in the park. on the beach, at night, during the day, if we thought we could get away with it, sometimes, not caring if we did or not. we were free. I want that back. my heart is not long for this world. I can feel it. is it too late for us to try, to try to…perhaps recapture a little of our youth?

Maybe they’re taking a break in there? poor mans gotta be exhausted. didja hear what she was doing to him? what she was yelling. he’s lucky to be alive. did ya not hear what I heard? the walls shook. screaming? like they were killing each other.

Darling please. come here, give us a kiss.

Maybe I should just go over there and check on their well being? it’s called a well being check. Garda does it all the time. there’s no sense in involving the law if we don’t need to. but Mrs? I’m worried. we’ve only met her the one time. I’ve never seen him. not once. what if there is evil living next door to us? what if after they’ve had a bit of drink that like us all, the true revealing really begins? what then now? what if they burst in here naked some evening? and we’re forced to fight for our lives? would ye fight with me Mrs? WOULD Ye? For God’s Sakes Woman! look at me. stop yer laughing this isn’t the least bit funny.

Ah here now, I need to feel the warmth of ya. to hold ya, smell ya. let’s go to bed. ah darling, yar the only one for me. you have me heart, me spirit. me soul. you have me. I’ll be needing them back when your finished with em mind you. but for now? they’re yours.

Oona You troublemaker. I’ll bet you say that to all the girls.

Eamon Just you love, only you.

Oona I like when you’re gentle with me. Gently Sweetie. Gently.

Eamon Can I carry ya to the bed? cross the thresholds.

Oona Will you not be listing to the woman shouting through the wall?

Eamon Do the best I can darling.

Oona Eamon?

Eamon Yes Dearie?

Oona Eaaamon?

Eamon Jaysus Mary and Joseph. What is it you want me to say?

Oona May the Cat Eat You and The Devil Eat the Cat!

Eamon  Are we going to bed then?

Oona Married to the likes of you am I?

Eamon I told yas? magic. we were meant to be together.

Oona Away and pull ur wire.

“Seventh row man! for Seger! Seventh Row!”

Motts couldn’t believe his luck.

Thinking he’d just bought tickets to see Rocker Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band.

I checked. Seger wasn’t in town on that date? Wasn’t even on tour?

The night of the show. he handed it to me.

Brilliant, said it right on the ticket. “An evening with Seegar.” Pete Seegar.

The poor goof had mistakenly bought tickets to see Pete Seegar, the folk singer.

Not exactly Motts Cup O’ Tay.

We had snuck in a couple pints of Blackberry Brandy, in case we got parched.

When Seegar came onto the stage Motts leaned over and said. “Looks like Bob’s been on a diet.”

“I never knew he was that tall? What’s with the Fooking Banjo!”

It went downhill fast after that.

He opened with “Turn Turn Turn.”

His second song was  “If I had a Hammer.”

Motts spat after the applause died down. “If I had a Hammer?…I’d smash that Banjo!”

The group in front of us turned around and gave us dirty looks.

Five songs into the show, during, “On Top Of Old Smokey.”

Motts began yelling.

“Boooooo!”

Seegar being the consummate professional. kept playing.

The verbal assault intensified.

“Who The Hell Is Smokey?!?”

Pete Seegar ignored it and played on.

“This Land is Your Land, This Land is My Land…From California to the…..New York Island….”

“BOOOOOOO!”

“You’re New Stuff is Shite! C’MON! Play Some Of Your Old Stuff!”

“C’MON SEGER!”

Seegar finally reached his boiling point.

Mid-song he snapped, stopping the show cold, yelling back, “I am playing my old stuff! now Sit Down and shut the hell UP!”

The crowd was beginning to close in and we were all out of brandy.

“Motts? mellow out man, That’s Not Bob Seger. wrong guy…wrong guy. mellow out man. Motts? relax man, cool it.”

He was having none of it. I’m not sure he even heard me?

“C”MON! PLAY RAMBLING GAMBLING MAN!” How about Kat-Man-Dooooo!” fist pumping the air.

“Get Outta DENVER! C’MON BOB!”

The people in front of us turned around again, this time telling us to “Knock it Off!”

Seegar pointed off stage to someone, then to where we were seated. Moments later. Two of the largest humans I’d ever seen approached us.

“Whadda we gonna do now?”

I got the words, “Guys we’re…..” out. before they grabbed us.

Down the aisle, Motts Arms kept flailing about. “Get yer….Grubby….Paws Offa Me! Hey…Hey!”

“This Land is Your Land, This Land is My Land…From California to the…..New York Island…..”

Pete Seegar was in fine form. he was playing the shit out of that banjo.

“You Sold Out Seger! You Sold OUT! Gimme Back My Money!”

Seegar being the consummate professional. kept playing long after we’d left the venue.

The Tribune had a nice review about it the next day. mentioning some over served group that marred the performance just left of the stage before being ejected.

He was inconsolable. To this day he still has no idea who Pete Seegar was? He kept saying “You mean Bob?” I’d say “No Pete.”  he’d tilt his head a little like a dog does when you talk to it.

He means well. He’s not perfect. He knows it.

Truth be told. he’s harder on himself than anyone else is. making a mess of so many things. Always with the best of intentions.

One afternoon at a party, he looked at me, got really serious.

I braced myself. Here it comes, His wife is leaving him? Lost his job? Maybe he’s sick?

Motts began. “A Person’s Health is in His Feet. A Person’s Heart is in His Feet.” then he held up a finger and said. “Never Speak to The Feet while the Head is Alive.”

So I ask him, “How Come?”

He shrugged. “Dunno? Is it because a person’s feet are key to their health, keeping them active and in good physical condition? is a person’s heart in his feet, because of that inner drive to go in search of adventure? undertake the journey. follow our instincts. that if we do? we will be rewarded in the end. someone or something will be there to tell us. That we did a good job. that our lives meant something?

Is it not our heart that tells us this, or is it our mind playing tricks with our feet?”

I’ve known Motts for years. we grew up in the same neighborhood. Went to the same schools.

He’s Generous, Loyal, Big Hearted, Incredibly Temperamental, and Highly Entertaining.

He’s the guy who pulls over for the senior citizen stuck on the side of the road, helping them change a flat tire. the guy who wouldn’t accept money for any favor or help you might need. he might ask you to say a prayer for him.

He’s the guy who visits his Mom and Dad every day. a son who actually wants to spend time with his parents.  He talks with his Ma on the phone every time she calls, never making an excuse.

There’s No, “Ma can I call you back?” Game could be in the 4th quarter. score tied, time running out. if that phone rings? he’s picking it up.

“She might need something? What if she needs something?”

His relationship with his Da? is a little more complicated.

“Get in the Car Da!”

“No, I want to stay home and watch golf.”

“Get in the Car Ol Man!”

“Boyo? My Old Man never hit me once in his life, I hope to continue that trend. but so help me! You Call Me That Again? I’ll Box Yer Ears In.”

Motts Ma always tried to change the subject to keep the peace. “Didja hear the pope is coming? we’ll have to get tickets.”

“Last Chance. Ma and I are going to the movies. are you coming?”

“Go On! Go On Now You……..Scram.”

Didn’t matter. they were his family and he loved them.

Kicked out of College when he drove his car through the front window of a quick mart while in the grip of the grape. his date passed out in the front seat. rolling down his window. He looked at the frozen store clerk who thought she was being robbed. inquiring, “Are Yas Open?”

He’ll accept any challenge. especially of the financial variety. though not always financial.

On a dare, he approached a bird sanctuary dressed like a hunter. making duck calls. peering in the front windows. pounding on the glass. shouting at the birds in their enclosures.

“Come Out With Your Hands Up! I Got The Place Surrounded!”

Thankfully he was smart enough not to have a weapon on him. no felony. just a little misdemeanor. no harm, minor foul. his punishment? community service picking up trash on the side of the highway.

Motts use to love animals of all kinds. he respected, empathized and enjoyed interacting with them whenever possible.

After a Traumatic encounter. things changed.

We had hopped a fence at the local zoo to get a photograph of Motts next to an ostrich. this to win a 300 dollar bet with some guy he worked with. 700 if he got a picture of him tickling it’s foot.

You ever see an ostriches foot? it’s frightening man.

Inside the pen. quietly, we approached.

Easy, Easy, Steady Now, Steady. Steady.

He’d had a brain storm to put a bag over the birds head.

“It might keep it calm if it didn’t know it was having its picture took? I want to make this as painless as possible for the bird.” he said.

“Motts? it’s not being kidnapped for ransom? you’re not taking it hostage? its a fooking ostrich. you need a photo with it. that’s all. stop over thinking it. let’s go. I gotta work in the morning.”

At the precise moment Motts attempted to move into the birds halo? it woke. The Startled Bird staggered, falling hard in the dirt in front of us. I ran, we didn’t belong there.

As Motts and I scrambled back over the fence. big bird stumbled to his feet like a QB trying to get up after being crushed. we left in a hurry. him to reflect on what he’d just done. me so I wouldn’t get caught.

He went back the next day to apologize to the Ostrich. I did not.

His only problem was they all looked the same in the light of day.

“What if you apologized to the wrong one?” I asked him. “Maybe you should have apologized to all of them? They all deserve an apology. Don’t they?”

He agreed, they did.

The next day, man of his word. he returned to the zoo.

Yelling at the birds from just outside the enclosure. this time, he addressed them en masse.

“I’m SORRY! Alright?!? Fair Play, That’s GRAND Then. Thanks Very Much. All Of Yas. Won’t Happen Again.”

As if yelling at them? would somehow grant him absolution.

A zookeeper came out, asking Mott’s to leave immediately.

Wisely, he complied.

Today he gives all animals a wide berth.

That night in the pen with the bird? after an epiphany, Something changed in him.

He refuses to own any animal. No Way Jose. no dog, cat, monkey or marmot. telling me when the end comes. it won’t be from war, or disease, or an asteroid slamming into the earth. When the end of time comes. All animals will run amuck and turn on us.

You go fetch the stick. Kitty doesn’t want to play with that ball of yarn anymore. Polly isn’t interested in any crackers.

If I were you? I’d commence to running.

“I’m not taking any chances.” he told me. “life is too precious. it’s just not worth the risk.”

Unpredictable, Untamed, Unstable.

A Wild Animal.

Un huh. Got it.

Friday Night. Shootin Pool.

Wondering what I’ll do when I’m through tonight?

The door opened.

In she walked. Long blond hair. with curves in all the right places. wearing some kind of party dress that didn’t leave much to the imagination. a little overdressed for Mal D’s Billiards. Gals wore get ups like this to those fancy smancy clubs downtown. only thing the rabble in this place knew about clubs? were the ones the coppers put over the top of your noggin for cracking wise at em.

I was about to lose 50 bucks in a game of nine ball.

I put my money on the rail.

Mott’s handed me a drink. and said, “Watch this, Jimmy is a ladykiller.”

The Blonde was sitting at the bar talking to Mott’s friend Jimmy.

“That ain’t no lady Mott’s.

I knew the type. Not exactly a Sunday school teacher.

Jimmy excused himself to make a phone call.

She crossed her legs. leaning back on the bar.

Caught me looking her way.

Giving me the up and down.

Man can stand only so much.

I swaggered over.

Then I said “hi,” like a spider to a fly.

“Where’d Mr. Jimmy go?”

“Had to make a phone call.”

“You know Jimmy?” She asked me.

“I’m his parole officer.”

“You?”

“Oh? Oh My? we just met.”

She was practically in his lap for crying out loud. just met?

Jimmy reappeared. “Help you wit something?”

“Just keeping her company til you returned.

“Fade….Will ya?”

I tipped my hat to her. excusing myself. heading back to the tables.

Just my luck, lost my second game and another 50 bucks. I couldn’t focus.

I turned to see the blonde alone at the bar.

“What happened to Jimmy?” I asked Motts.

“Dunno.”

It was getting late. I walked over….

“Where’s Mr. Terrific?”

“He had to leave.” she said. “Men.”

Leaning on the bar. I told her. “You got us all wrong. He ought to have his head examined, leaving a beautiful dish all alone in this place.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere.” she blushed,

“You remind me of the first woman who ever slapped my face.”

We talked a while, had a couple more drinks, she lived along the lakefront. wealthy family. she was trouble, no doubt about it. one look at those legs and that get up she was in and I knew. Trouble. no one wears a dress like that to a pool hall.

“So doll face what brings you in here tonight?”

“Suzie.” she said.

“Sorry?”

“Suzie, my names Suzie.”

“Gotta be someplace downtown with society fellas falling all over a dame like you?”

“Exactly why I’m in here tonight.” she told me.

“So you’re slumming it?”

“No, not at all. I just wanted to see how the other half lives.”

“And?”

“So far? mmmm.”

Smiling like the devil would smile at you.

I would have run away. but I was on my own.

I tipped my mitt.

We finished our giggle juice. and left together. Heading back to my place. Stopping off to grab a bottle of champagne from Larry’s House of Booze.

Halfway through the bottle, she told me she wouldn’t sleep with me tonight. I just smiled.

All we were missing was candlelight, soft music and our clothes at the foot of the bed.

I lit a candle. dimmed the lights. tripped and fell into the wall head first.

Staggering to my couch. Suzie knelt beside me, concern on her face. trying not to laugh.

I put my arm around her waist, pulling her close.

Again, she told me she wouldn’t sleep with me tonight.

I just smiled. looked into her eyes and unbuttoned her dress.

Lying there afterward, she asked if she could sing me a song.

Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had a naked woman sing to me.

She got out of bed, turned to me, clasping her hands together and belted out “Crazy for You.” By Patsy Cline.

Why? She wasn’t the devil after all?

Just a lovely woman looking for some companionship.

Who am I to argue with a lady?

In the morning. I awoke to find her still lying next to me.

“I thought I told you I wasn’t going to sleep with you?”

“You did? didn’t you? What happened?”

“Well? What’s a girl to do?” she said as she stretched.

After coffee, we got dressed.

“What are you doing later tonight?”

“I’m sure I can move my plans around if need be.” I told her.

She took her pen out. handing me a note .

It read.

Suzie,
1150 north lake shore drive. # 1707.
Bring Champagne. 9pm. 

The doorman of her building called to announce my arrival. directing me to the elevator.

17th floor.

I knocked on her door.

She opened it wearing a full length mink coat. holding a Polaroid camera.

I Handed her the Bottle of Champagne. “I’m afraid I’m a little under dressed.”

Opening her coat. “What a coincidence? So am I.”

Thunderstorms crossed the city.

This time she put on the music and I managed not to fall into the wall.

It’s almost like we were meant to be together?

We had dinner a week later when she told me, I wasn’t her type.

Apparently her type involved swine with money who could wine her and dine her. take her to society functions. I didn’t have those connections anymore, nor did I really ever want them to begin with. You ever talk to the upper crust? Snooty, real snooty. But the ladies do like to dance under the covers…No matter what they first tell you.

She was a society dame. I was just some mug she bumped into for a couple of days in the spring.

It was a clean sneak. nobody got hurt…I took the rumble. hitting on all eight.

on the square.

For the longest time I would just nod my head if I wasn’t sure what was being said to me.

People constantly had to repeat themselves.

Loud restaurants, Any place with crowds?

I might as well have stayed home. I couldn’t hear squat.

How did I get here?

It’s complicated man.

Little bit of loud music at home, in the car. concerts, parties, festivals & hootenannies. I like to get down with my bad self.

It Probably didn’t help I’d worked in a very loud environment for 11 years.

Ask yourself this?

Do you happen to know anyone you are constantly having to repeat yourself to?

Perhaps a loved one who says,  “I’m sorry?” Cupping a hand to their ear as they lean in to hear you repeat what you’ve just said.

Un-huh,  I thought so.

Someone who says, “Huh” or “Wha?” frequently during a conversation?

When your hearing begins to worsen. Misunderstandings can become more frequent, and embarrassing.

I knew it was time to look into getting my ears checked when my colleagues gently voiced their concerns.

“Are you deaf?” “You really need to get that hearing checked.” “Did you hear what I just said?” or my favorite. “Get the shit outta your ears!”

Nobody wants to admit that they have this issue. you just put your head down and bulldoze your way through. I understand.

It’s not something I haven’t been able to overcome. certainly hasn’t stopped me from anything I’ve wanted to do or see.

Everyone is different.

How did I first get started?

I ended up making an appointment with a Otolaryngologist. or ENT (ear,nose& throat)  specialist. First thing they’ll do is recommended a hearing test. After the test is completed, it was back to consult with the Doctor.

He suggested I meet with an Audiologist.

Things were progressing quickly.

Next thing I know? I’m getting fitted for a pair of hearing aids.

I don’t regret my decision. In fact? I should have gotten mine a little earlier than I did.

The first step is to ask your doctor.

Most likely you are past the pride stage of “I don’t need any help.” or “It will make me look like an old man/old woman.”

Look around you.

Certainly you see people with them today.

Perhaps you have a friend or co-worker who wears them?

This is a good place to gather information. Ask them.

They can steer you in the right direction. I’m pretty sure in the coming years, more and more people will be wearing them.

Everywhere I look these days I see people of all ages wearing them.

It’s a New Era.

Today, Grandpa isn’t sitting out on the front porch holding a funnel in his ear.

“What’d ya say Sonny?!?

“Grandpa where were you born?”

“Wha?!? What’s That?!? Eh? My Pants Are Torn? Oh Dammit! Whose got the keys to the car? I gotta go buy some new goddamn pants…”

“No Grandpa. Where were you born?”

“What’s That?”

These aren’t your Grandparents hearing aids.

Today’s are well constructed, equipped with the latest technology. They are ultra small and well concealed by design.

Protect these miracles of modern science when you get them.

Care for them as instructed by the Audiologist.

If you do? they will most likely last longer.

Prior to my Purchase, I’d be out with friends or on a date with my girlfriend in someplace lively with lots of background noise. smiling and nodding a lot.

Studying facial reactions trying to gleam information from people’s expressions. in the hope of gaining insight into what was being said. I had no idea in some cases.

Are they angry? Are they showing concern? Is this serious? Is This? or Am I? being told a funny story? Should I be laughing? Have they reached the punchline yet? Is the building on fire? Should I be running?

It can be a horrible feeling to add something to a groups conversation only to find out you were way off topic. it gets more than a little embarrassing.

Soft talkers were really difficult. having to lean in close to hear. clearly a space violation. it makes many people uncomfortable.

“C’mon man! Way too close. Back up will ya?”

I began avoiding environments where I knew I would have a difficult time hearing.

I wanted to hear my girlfriend better. I needed to hear my co-workers better.

Sound familiar?

They won’t solve all your problems. like all things, there are some limits.

I do know this, hearing aids can and will help improve the quality of your life.

It might shock you how much you’ve been missing.

Today, Hearing Aid Technology is making huge strides. Advances My Audiologist and Doctor tell me I will live to see, and hear.

I think mine are incredible. they absolutely have changed my life for the better.

You’ll know when the time is right.

It’s not the end of the world. So take it easy.

Help is available, if you want it?

If you have a question I might be of help with?

Feel free to contact me through my site.

Good Luck on Your Journey.

I found it in the road, I didn’t know it fed on native birds and turtles? I didn’t know it was a hazard for children and pets? these things can rip through coconut husk like its butter. and will mess up your garden or lawn. 

-Professor Hugh Biquitis-

University of Hawaii 1977 Journal of Science.

___________________________________________________________

March 2015.

All hell was about to break loose on the Big Island of Hawaii.

Lives would be changed forever.

It started out like every other day in paradise. trade winds, sunshine, wit da waves rolling in.

OOOee Mano was on the lanai of his house upcountry in Waimea, when he heard it come on the radio.

Strange goings on.

The report told of a truck over turned on highway 19 coming down from Waimea. The driver identified as Justin Casey Bolts of Kona has disappeared without a trace. Officers first on the scene discovered someone or something had cut a hole from inside and escaped. According to its owner, the truck was transporting animals to a zoo exhibit at the Waikoloa Hilton. many of the animals and sea creatures are missing, having possibly escaped? those that haven’t, are either in no condition to give a statement. or can’t because they’re tropical birds and sea creatures and shit. inspection of the inside of the truck revealed carnage, in both the cab and in the back where the cages and water tanks were located. a brawl appears to have been fought here.

But who started it?  what happened to the participants? No one’s talking.

Those who have lived through an attack by a Coconut Crab or Crab’s will tell ya.

They’re Very Strong, Incredibly Ill Tempered. Originally from Micronesia. They posses a massive Stomach. It’s Pinchers are almost as big as your arm.

Brah? you get in its way? it hurt you bad. mess you up.

The Coconut Crab is a definite anti-social type. known to snap off fingers and indiscriminate to do some serious damage elsewhere.

OOOee was driving a cargo van that night bringing Snack cakes and Yoo-Hoo to The Kings and Queens Shops on the Kohala Coast.

Coming down the mountain on Highway 19 about an hour past sunset.

While rounding a turn, the crab attacked. its massive claw reached out and latched onto the back bumper of the van pulling itself aboard, cutting a hole and climbing inside.

Listening to his music and thinking about this and that. OOOee had no idea what was creepin about inside the back of his van.

Locked up long enough, this was one angry crab. bent on doing some bad.

The Coconut Crab burst inside the cab and started snapping his massive claw at OOOee. Who did what anyone would when faced with a Hideous Creature ready to do you harm. he hit it repeatedly with a wrench really hard. screaming like a little schoolgirl, he fainted. driving off the side of the road down the steep embankment. The Van smashed through the lava rocks and various scrub bushes coming to a violent halt landing in an old lava tube.

Lucky for OOOee this lava tube was an old flow. and not the new lava that flowed on the other side of the island.

The vans drivers door was wedged in between the lava rock. it wouldn’t open. OOOee released his seatbelt climbing out the window.

The Beast was thrown through the windshield as the van came to rest in the lava tube.

OOOee didn’t stop to wait and see if it was ok? OK? he turned and ran for his life, scrambling up the embankment towards the road above.

Coconut Crab was in Hot Pursuit. growling and covered in snack cakes and broken bottles of Yoo-Hoo.

Making it back to the main road. No streetlights, gas stations, Nothing, but….darkness.

When night falls on the island. you can’t see your hand in front of your face. only thing to do is head down the road and hope a car or truck comes by. and, that they stop.

Car headlights approached at a high rate of speed.

OOOee frantically waved his arms. it swerved narrowly missing him. continuing on tail lights disappearing over the next rise.

The growling began to get louder, and Louder.

What is that thing?

Another set of headlights in the distance.

Stepping onto the roadway. he could hear loud music and a woman’s screaming as the car locked up its brakes.

OOOee stood terrified in the oncoming lane. the driver yelled out the window “Are You Crazy?!?”

A young couple most likely on their honeymoon far away from whatever place they called home. the lady was straddling the man in the front seat. These two were definitely not observing the rules of the road in any country.

OOOee pleaded, “You Gotta Help Me, Something Is After Me!”

The girl in the car reached for her shorts on the passenger seat trying to cover herself up, yelling at her new husband.

“Donny! Don’t Stop!”

“Honey, this man needs our help. can’t you wait til we get back to the room? or at least until we drop him off?”

She screamed louder…..”What?!? NO! Not That. Let’s Get Out Of Here. I’m Scared…”

The Crab Leaped over the embankment through the open passenger window of the stopped car.

OOOee ran. he couldn’t see a thing. looking back over his shoulder he heard the voices of the young man and woman screaming. the cars suspension rocking back and forth violently until it slowly stopped.

All you could hear now was the surf below coming ashore.

Growling.

What is That?

The Crab was headed his way.

“I was supposed to have the day off.”

He kept moving.

Quarter mile up the highway, OOOee took a louie down a side road that led to a restricted section of land used by the army as training grounds during World War II. the area is littered with unexploded bombs and other munitions that have yet to be cleaned up. multiple pleas from locals to the U.S Government have gone unanswered. Feral dogs run loose in the area occasionally stepping on and detonating old ordinance. its extremely dangerous. Security fences surround the land blocking the public from entering.

Keep Out.

U.S. Army Property.

He climbed over the fence to the property.

Maybe? someone would be on guard? watching the place? maybe they had a phone?

OOOee didn’t. he left his phone in the truck. $#%T!

The place was quiet, no sign of a guard or guard-house anywhere. Large holes pockmarked the ground. Enormous impact craters surrounded him.

Maybe I can hide in one of these and wait it out until daylight? he thought.

The fence rattled. he stopped moving, listening. just the breeze. quiet……

The fence rattled again….

Low growling at first, grew louder. this was a different sound.

A feral dog approached baring its teeth. inching closer to OOOee.

The dog never saw the crab until it was too late. knocking it flat. the hound had…had it.

OOOee ducked his head below the rim of the crater he was in. holding his breath. had it seen me?

What is that thing?

The crab did indeed see him. it started to growl. stepping forward placing its leg directly on top of an unexploded munition. until….the munition, exploded. the concussion of the blast set off countless other old bombs and munition on the grounds. the night sky glowed. The crab was blown to bits.

Help came pretty quick as the blasts were heard up in Upcountry. 

The Police along with Army Officers from Pohakuloa Training Area showed up to interrogate OOOee. Satisfied. OOOee was then taken to the hospital treated and released.

He ended up being a hero to the locals. currently the area is slated to get the ok for development of 5 homestead communities that are located within two sections of the Big Island that OOOee helped clear by accidentally luring the crab onto the private property. The sections cover about 100,000 acres.

The crab pushed its luck too far. should have headed out to sea and left well enough alone. but no? it had to push it. Messed wit da wrong Hawaiian.

Sometimes you eat the OOOee. Sometimes, the OOOee eats you.

“How did dat ting get loose?” everyone wanted to know.

Turns out when the driver of the truck stopped for a burger in Waimea. Some Eco-Extremist-Conservationists later identified as Yutov Moore, Ahmad Dogg, Sue Flay, Helen Bedd and Dawn Sara Lee Light broke into the parked truck and tried to release all of the animals. they were successful getting inside. beginning to open the cages and water tanks, until the driver appeared. scaring them off before they had completed their mission. unaware of this, he drove off.

Mass hysteria immediately ensued inside, critters and creatures of the sea and the air began to rip each other to shreds on the road down from Waimea to Waikoloa. Mayhem eventually smashed into the cab. the driver fought for his life and lost. being consumed by several of the larger creatures including the Coconut Crab. setting in motion the colossal struggle witnessed today on the Big Island of Hawaii.

As for OOOee? No Worries Brah, He Da King of Da Big Island, Island Royalty. if only for today? that’s cool wit OOOee. he’s just happy to be home. sitting in his chair, cold drink in hand, enjoying cool breezes.

Wit not a care in the world.

“Today I am Colonel Pineapple. Yesterday I was Captain Coconut. But I got promoted.”

Listening to his music and thinking about this and that.

The only appropriate emotion is gratitude.

About a year ago a man moved into our community from Ireland.

His wife had passed away back home, he woke up one morning, alone.

Searching for something to give his life meaning again. to show us all that he still had something to oooffer it.

A Purpose. in a new land by God!

Phone’s ringing.

America was calling.  And he would answer it’s call.

“Wha? Who is this? I’ll be right over.”

When I first met him at a neighborhood party he told me he moved here because He and his Mrs. had always wanted to see America.

She’d have wanted him to go on some grand adventure.

He had mourned her passing long enough. he knew now as well as any, that we’re all running out of time.

How do you want to go out? doing good or doing bad. that’s the choice really in the end.

I tried to explain to him that our village already had a police force.

That he couldn’t just establish Himself as Sheriff.

The local police force had things covered.

He disagreed, His mind was made up.

He wanted to give something back. so began his campaign for sheriff.

His request to speak to our village board at an open forum was granted.

“Howareyas,

I would like to take this time to announce my candidacy for Sheriff.

As the fella says. I’m officially offering my services to you good people.

I am ready to faithfully serve the village at large as your sheriff.

It’s high time we take a look to see if maybe establishing a position would be a good thing in this age of no manners. 

That said now, I would be willing to make sure a few quid might find their way to the right people for some assistance from time to time.

No questions asked. nothing illegal, you see? really. nothing you would likely do time for? I think? no questions asked, Eh?

I think it would be just grand, to be like Fife was in Mayberry.

Ah that one. Was just as likely to shoot himself in the foot as yours.

Cagey, that one. kept you on your feet all the time.

Mad Genius he was.

I also need to find a dog I can sick on potential criminal types lurking in the park at night.

Should anyone of yas know someone with a vicious dog for sale or rent? give me a ring eh?

I don’t want to be speakin too much about my Candidacy yet as we’re still formulating a game plan.

It’ll be grand though.

We’ll have the biggest hooley you’ve ever seen the likes of in yer day.

I can promise you that!

Course ya need a favor? I’m shar we can come to some kind of arrangement.

I don’t want none of ya’s to think that we be all fun and games.

The sheriffing business is nothing to be taken lightly. I want all the citizenry to know that I plan to honorably uphold the law in the fair vicinity of the village boundaries. making sure that any riffraff or hooligans will be dealt with, severely if necessary?

I believe that all the tom foolery and lollygagging that’s been going on around here has gone on long enough.

It’s time that the law steps up, and protects us from the likes of some of the rabble I’ve seen with me own eyes out after dark.

Never was a scabby sheep in a flock that didn’t like to have a comrade. I can tell you that! There are far too many scabby sheep out walking the streets these days.

And what does the current law do about it?

There’s trouble in every house and some in the street.

If elected? I will deputize two to possibly three deputies to serve as my confidants.

We would be happy to work with the local government if they’ll just admit that there is a problem.

Stop breaking your shin on a stool that is not in your way.

My god man?! life doesn’t have to be this hard. where is your good sense? eh?

Furthermore, I’m offering my help in bringin justice and safety to us all. god bless us, all of us. except the troublemakers.

They are on their own. the godless heathens. may they get what they deserve.

For now, we’ll operate out of my friends garage til the village comes to its senses and offers us suitable headquarters for our base of operations.

I don’t want anyone of yas to be thinking we will be playing favorites.

Having history with me or me constables will not buy you any favors. those will have to be negotiated with discretion at the time of the transaction…as it were.

No need getting ahead of ourselves.

I’m sure we can work something out. we are, after all, reasonable people. aren’t we now?

I’m pleased to informs yas, that my candidacy is fully funded.

There is absolutely no need for any donations at present.

Save your money for permits you’ll no doubt be needing to purchase.

Yer businesses will after all? need to remain open and functioning smoothly.

So? we will need to receive some sort of kindness paid to us to maintain the proper standards befitting a village of our comfortable surroundings.

We can discuss this further when the time comes.

Suffice it to say? might not be the worst thing for you to do.

Law is costly, let’s shake hands and be friends.

As a wise one once said, He who doesn’t look ahead remains behind.

I say, keep an eye on your back, you never know who’s lurking about.

My Name is Jimmy Flynn and I’m running for Sheriff.”