Hawaii | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do / Hawaii | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do

Wild People are beyond our control. They live out in the woods. Wishing only to be left alone. If you get too close to them. They might end you.

Jeffery McCormack University of Hawaii. Professor of Anthropology, Explainer of The Unexplained 1982.


March 19, 2015. The Big Island of Hawaii.

One day you’ll see someone for the very first time.

People and Animals were disappearing in the Sleepy Coastal Village of Hawi on the northern most point of da Island.

Park Rangers and Residents have reported weird loud screams in the middle of the night. waking to find livestock mutilated from nearby farms scattered about. Trees uprooted. Large piles of rocks stacked neatly on beaches. where the prior day, there were none. Dogs walking backwards. Cats climbing trees and not coming down for weeks on end. Strange lights reported in the woods. lotta of ugly finger pointing going on. nobody ever uses their turn signal anymore? everybody’s scared.

The Pololu Valley is carved into the Kohala Mountains. Steep Terrain, Switchbacks and Trails lead to the valley floor, Some of those Trails can be treacherous. once you reach the bottom it opens to a secluded black sand beach. water from rain in the hills runs off out to sea by way of a stream that meanders through the valley.

Its Heavenly. Peaceful, Secluded.

Paradise in the Pacific.

These days. The mood is wrong. Locals are Maka’u.

Sundown to Sunrise, not many peoples outside ya?

Locked doors, Blinds drawn, No one goes out after dark no more. Not many people hike the Trail head, Uh Uh, No more.

Sightings have increased dramatically.

Something is out there. Deep in the forested valley. Lurking.

Late at Night, Howls, Growls and Screams emanate from the valley.

Around midnight, Driving home from his shift in Waikaloa. Dino Castino 23 year old Hawi resident hit the brakes, skidding to a stop on the wet mountain road.

What in the hell was that?

Something large had run out of the brush and slammed into his cars passenger door. It looked like a man? a large hairy man.

Frightened he got out, Dino looked down the hillside to see what he hit.

Unable to see a gosh darn thing. Clouds hid the moon from view on this night.

Darkness on the island is a darkness only those who live here understand.

What ever it was? was gone. just the sound of water below breaking on the rocky shoreline.

Walking round the front of the car he moved past its headlights to find a huge impression in his passenger side door.

Ahhh C’Mon Man!

Covered in a coat of what looked like a mix of skin and grease, the dents impression was deep into the door.

Maybe it was an animal? didn’t get a good enough look, couldn’t be? it was too big and on two feet, not down on all fours? It had to be injured.

He stopped to listen, nothing. but quiet.


Nothing…..Wait, Was that? Naw, just the wind.

Dino realized he wasn’t going to find anything but trouble out here, deciding to head home to report the accident. back behind the wheel, he pulled on to the road from the shoulder.

Out of the corner of his eye, The boulder flew through the air towards the car.

Landing violently on the pavement directly in his path, forcing him through the guardrail over the embankment. slamming violently into a ditch with the edge of the pali mere feet away.

Loud howling shook the steep slope down to the water. Forehead bleeding after bouncing his noggin on the windshield, slightly stunned. He squinted out the side window. unable to see squat.

Instinctually, Grabbed his flashlight from his glove compartment. got out, walked over to the brush, Makai side. directed the lights beam into the bushes. Something smelled funky in there. Not good funky, naw, this was bold, nasty hold your nose bad funked up stank.

Approaching the edge, Peering downward, Dino spotted movement, climbing his way.

Dis ting was big, wit long arms, wide shoulders, making noise dat give you da creepies and da willies.

It was growling and moving fast.

Suddenly the brush exploded forward.

Darkness had come for him.

Scrambling and slipping in the gravel, Dino sprinted around the car down the path sloped towards the water.

Running through the trees, it ferociously pursued.

This Massive Growling shadowy figure right on his heels.

A large hairy arm reached for his neck.

Dino found himself airborne.

Early the next day, Authorities found his body on the rocky shoreline below.

Investigators finding two distinctively different sets of footprints leading right up to the edge of da pali. one matching the deceased, Dino Castino 23 years old from Hawi.

While this investigation continued…..miles away in upcountry.

OOOee looked up from his plate of Loco Moco at the Hawaiian Style Cafe in Waimea. best damn breakfast on da island. Standing, adjusting his waistband. The Massive Iocal glided out the screened front door into the street.

Ohhh Brah……Broke da mouth.

An enormous forearm reaches up towards his mouth to revel the smiling face of Da Man himself.

Six foot Two, Two hundred eighty nine pound OOOee Mano. wipes his face, rubbing the remains of his breakfast onto his shorts. never once stopping his movement.

Plenty Good Grindz. Plenty Good Ya.

Exhaling loudly, OOOee slides behind the wheel of his Chevy Pickup. His cell phone rings.


Storms coming in later OOOee. Were you at?

OOOee had to make a run up to Hawi to drop off an order of Koa wood to his Aunty Beattie. materials for a new lanai.

Trip from upcountry to Aunty Beattie house on da coast, bout thirty five minutes. give or take.

Wood hadn’t been hard to find, down in da Valley plenty ya, cut da wood himself. dragged it up, out, limb by limb, planning it by hand. earning every penny of dat two large.

Get your business done, then move outta da way.

Aunty had agreed to pay him, couple thousand bucks. chose the wood, long as its no more than two thousand bucks. uh-uh, no more.

Rain ended late afternoon. Sun was out, birds were singing, cool breezes.

Headed home to load the wood in his truck, once done, on the road, 237 Kohola Mountain Highway to his Aunty’s on the northern tip of the Island.

OOOee was headed into madness.

Only he didn’t know it yet.

Bout 7:37 in the pm, pulling into Aunty Bea’s.

Only noise was the wind in the trees and the sound of the surf coming ashore.

They don’t call it paradise for nuthin.

Stepping out her front door stood an Elderly Hawaiian Woman late 60’s early 70’s. smiling, nodding, excitedly clapping her hands together.

The pair settled into chairs in da back. Aunty had outlined the location of where she wanted the lanai. work was scheduled to begin in the morning.

Something troubling you Aunty?

What do you know about Da You Know Who, OOOee?

Local legend had it a creature prowled da beaches and forest at night.

Miss no opportunities ya? Never know, what tomorrow gonna bring.

Maybe tomorrow? Your hair stand on end. maybe fall out on da ground

Just last month, two hikers had disappeared. vanished.

How you not know dat it some haole hippies from Waiks? out there in da valley growing pakalolo? maybe chase outta Hilo by da hui huh?!?

Scratching her chin, Aunty Bea pointed at OOOee.

Found da rental car parked on side of the road. no peoples nowhere.

Hui would’ve take, sold car.

Sides? You no let me finish. Couple days later, Searchers find one of hikers in shock, walking in forest, tell crazy story.

Say he got chased by Christmas tree.

Please Aunty…No More.

Taking a break he and his friend reported seeing something just off trail.

Pointing his flashlight towards the trees he smelled something rotten.

The light shone into da trees eyes. which stretched out its arms towards him.

Chee Hoo!

Brah dropped the light hauling ass down the trail into da tree line. he make it, his friend?…..no make it.

One minute he and his friend were taking a leak, Whistling theme to Andy Griffith, when tree started to move.

When they found him walking in the woods near the highway, he was in shock, wouldn’t speak to nobody, until they led him out to the trail head. then he wouldn’t shut up.

Kept Screaming. We Have To Warn Everybody! We Have To Warn Everybody!

Aunty you saying its Hukai’po?

Shush OOOee.

To speak of it, was thought to curse you.

Tourism board tried to keep a lid on it. Bad for business.

Da truth of it is….Hukai’po were The Night Marchers.

Whistling was said to summon them. Island Spirits that mess you up. maybe forever ya?

Most Locals refused to speak of it. Bring you ‘Ino loa.

Why is it no real proof exists?

Some say they live in tunnels or caves beneath da ground.

The reason no one is able to catch one is…it can disappear.

They’re smarter than us, our mistake is underestimating them. It will be our ultimate undoing.

You either believe strange beasts live among us or you don’t.

After enjoying a nice meal together.

They sat for a while talking. OOOee doing his best to reassure his beloved Aunty.

After they spoke, she went to do the dishes, while he went outside, to break some wind.

OOOee was out back in da dark framing the new lanai when he heard her screams.

Rushing in the backdoor, he saw his Aunty ducking down behind da couch.

Motioning for him to get down, he did just that. scrambling low next to her on da floor.

What’s wrong Aunty?

He’s Here! Out Da Window, I Saw His Eyes, His Hairy Face. Remind me of Uncle LOLO after da fire when dey had to use da skin graph to try to fix da scarring. Remember? grew hair all over his face. look like da woof-man. He’s Here!

Who? Uncle LOLO?

Naw! You Know Who! Biggie Foot, Da Hairy Scary Man! Fuuuuuck. He Real, I Saw Him Wit My Own Eyes.

Calm down Aunty.

Rising and crossing to the window. OOOee cupped his hands on the glass, peering out into the front yard.

His eyes widened, as he dove for cover, the large rock exploding through the picture window, narrowly missing Aunty Bea.

OOOee fell over da couch on da floor smashing the coffee table. he wasn’t sure if, in fact he saw, what he saw.

It had to be at least Eight feet tall, Covered from head to toe in hair. Lobbed that heavy boulder Like It Was Nothing!

Makin noise you don’t want to hear twice in your lifetime.

Deez were sounds, made you close your windows, lock your doors. hide in icebox.

It sounded angry. OOOee didn’t want to ask why. learned long time ago to stay from angry peoples.

Crawling on the floor to da window, he peeked out, in time to see Da Hairy Scary Man tear da mailbox off its post, tucking it under his arm an walking into the woods across da road.

Wait? What? It was real? Aunty was right, saw it wit his own eyes. the things nightmares are made of.

Give you da chicken skin, an da heebie-jeebies. OOOee needed this like a coconut full of bees.

Stepping out the front door of his Aunty’s hale, first looking left and right, then moving slowly into the yard.

Without warning. a large man had come out of a clump of trees. about 50 yards away, sniffing the air like a dog.

I swear he smelled me, Cause it slowly backed into the woods. until I couldn’t see him no more.

OOOee had to know, is this really happening?

Where is dat buggah?

Scanning the tree line across the street, he couldn’t see a thing. so dark you would never know for sure.

He cautiously crossed the road into the woods to look around.

Then he heard it, it was still close.

Only now, Da Howling, Growling and Screaming seemed to be headed in his direction.

OOOee turned and while scrambling back up the trail. glanced over his shoulder.

Something was headed his way, a shape, this shadow…you know who.

Thirty yards away, a pair of yellow glowing eyes in the brush was moving closer.

OOOee stopped, trying to focus on what was coming after him.

Then he smelled it again. Chee Hoo! You Know Who!

The mailbox hit the tree next to where OOOee stood. frozen, unable to move, the terror now only yards away.

He was trapped. heart pounding hard.

The basketball sized rock landed 5 feet to his right, taking out a tree limb sheltering the trails drop-off.

Can’t stay here, RUN!

Reaching the switchback, OOOee skidded to a stop, falling on the ground. another rock sailed overhead narrowly missing its target.

Down the trail, He could see him, still moving in his direction. arms reaching out in front of him.

Those eyes, Those eyes…..What is it?

He ducked for cover, Leaning into a massive boulder in front of him, it began to give way. rolling back down the trails slope, gaining speed on its way downhill. unaware, the shape headed up hill growling. long arms waving, as the rock impacted it, a bright flash enveloped the dark path. once the flash subsided, the shape was gone, disappearing into a flash of light. only the rock continuing downward through the brush on the trail into the valley below.

Hand painted sign stuck in the ground next to the trail read, Kapu. to the locals it means, Forbidden.

Down the embankment OOOee was sliding on the loose ground. surfing it downward out of control to the water below.

As he slide downward he spotted the signage, reaching out with his mighty left hand, grabbing a hold of it to slow his mo. it was no use. full on rock slide is a one way trip ya. non stop.

He came to rest on the valley floor below with various scrapes and cuts. a broken arm, three cracked ribs and a large bump on da noggin.

Grateful to be alive.

Thankfully Aunty had called da police. who, when they showed up, found OOOee on da rocks.

Ambulance took him to the Kohala Hospital in Kapaau. after his injuries were treated, police took his statement down. Once completed. They also spoke with Aunty. The events weighed heavy on them both.

Upon his release. Aunty Bea drove him home to rest, try to piece things together.

She stayed to make sure he was ok. keep her eye on him. Spirit of Ohana is strong here.

Same afternoon, Strange men showed up at his house wearing black suits and sun glasses they wouldn’t take off. refused to show any identification. say they were from the government. also asked questions. like, a lot of questions. telling them, be best if they both keep quiet, to not tell a soul what they saw?

Why? they don’t live here…. who are they to tell us what to do?

Hey Nice Suit Eliot Ness…..phhffft!

Not sure they believed a word of it anyway. doesn’t matter, I guess? if someone tell me a tale like dat, Well, more questions than answers ya?

What was it? Why did it attack? And Where did it go?

Maybe? Dis ting only wants to scare us away, to protect the land, I get that.

Malama Aina.

People are afraid of the unknown, ya know. from the beginning of time. we’ve felt threatened by outsiders.

There are those who say it’s just a myth. Who refuse to believe. Baloney sandwiches they say.

Seen a lot of weird things living on this island. Heard some strange stories too. Not sure what I believe anymore.

What’s out there? Honestly, I don’t really know.

There’s a lot of theory, Island spirits, Interdimensional beings, biggie foot himself?

Don’t want to sound tinfoil hat here, I’m keeping an eye on it, I’ve a feeling something bad is going to happen again.

Will it come back? I better not say.

I believe OOOee.

He doesn’t understand….but he knows.

Monsters live here. He’s seen them, with his own eyes.

Big Island Hairy Scary Man.

Here in the middle of da Pacific Ocean. Its no joke brah.

You come to see what you want to see, You come to see, But you never come to know.

One day you’ll see someone for the very last time.

Better that way, then the other way around.

Coconut Crab

I found it in the road, I didn’t know it fed on native birds and turtles? I didn’t know it was a hazard for children and pets? these things can rip through coconut husk like its butter. and will mess up your garden or lawn. 

-Professor Hugh Biquitis-

University of Hawaii 1977 Journal of Science.


March 2015.

All hell was about to break loose on the Big Island of Hawaii.

Lives would be changed forever.

It started out like every other day in paradise. trade winds, sunshine, wit da waves rolling in.

OOOee Mano was on the lanai of his house upcountry in Waimea, when he heard it come on the radio.

Strange goings on.

The report told of a truck over turned on highway 19 coming down from Waimea. The driver identified as Justin Casey Bolts of Kona has disappeared without a trace.

Officers first on the scene discovered someone or something had cut a hole from inside and escaped.

According to its owner, the truck was transporting animals to a zoo exhibit at the Waikoloa Hilton. many of the animals and sea creatures are missing, having possibly escaped? those that haven’t, are either in no condition to give a statement. or can’t because they’re tropical birds and sea creatures and shit.

Inspection of the inside of the truck revealed carnage, in both the cab and in the back where the cages and water tanks were located. a brawl appears to have been fought here.

But who started it?  what happened to the participants? No one’s talking.

Those who have lived through an attack by a Coconut Crab or Crab’s will tell ya.

They’re Very Strong, Incredibly Ill Tempered. Originally from Micronesia. They posses a massive Stomach. It’s Pinchers are almost as big as your arm.

Brah? you get in its way? it hurt you bad. mess you up.

The Coconut Crab is a definite anti-social type. known to snap off fingers and indiscriminate to do some serious damage elsewhere.

OOOee was driving a cargo van that night bringing Snack cakes and Yoo-Hoo to The Kings and Queens Shops on the Kohala Coast.

Coming down the mountain on Highway 19 about an hour past sunset.

While rounding a turn, the crab attacked. its massive claw reached out and latched onto the back bumper of the van pulling itself aboard, cutting a hole and climbing inside.

Listening to his music and thinking about this and that. OOOee had no idea what was creepin about inside the back of his van.

Locked up long enough, this was one angry crab. bent on doing some bad.

The Coconut Crab burst inside the cab and started snapping his massive claw at OOOee. Who did what anyone would when faced with a Hideous Creature ready to do you harm. he hit it repeatedly with a wrench really hard. screaming like a little schoolgirl, he fainted. driving off the side of the road down the steep embankment. The Van smashed through the lava rocks and various scrub bushes coming to a violent halt landing in an old lava tube.

Lucky for OOOee this lava tube was an old flow. and not the new lava that flowed on the other side of the island.

The vans drivers door was wedged in between the lava rock. it wouldn’t open. OOOee released his seatbelt climbing out the window.

The Beast was thrown through the windshield as the van came to rest in the lava tube.

OOOee didn’t stop to wait and see if it was ok? OK? he turned and ran for his life, scrambling up the embankment towards the road above.

Coconut Crab was in Hot Pursuit. growling and covered in snack cakes and broken bottles of Yoo-Hoo.

Making it back to the main road. No streetlights, gas stations, Nothing, but….darkness.

When night falls on the island. you can’t see your hand in front of your face. only thing to do is head down the road and hope a car or truck comes by. and, that they stop.

Car headlights approached at a high rate of speed.

OOOee frantically waved his arms. it swerved narrowly missing him. continuing on tail lights disappearing over the next rise.

The growling began to get louder, and Louder.

What is that thing?

Another set of headlights in the distance.

Stepping onto the roadway. he could hear loud music and a woman’s screaming as the car locked up its brakes.

OOOee stood terrified in the oncoming lane. the driver yelled out the window,  Are You Crazy?!?

A young couple most likely on their honeymoon far away from whatever place they called home. the lady was straddling the man in the front seat. These two were definitely not observing the rules of the road in any country.

OOOee pleaded, You Gotta Help Me, Something Is After Me!

The girl in the car reached for her shorts on the passenger seat trying to cover herself up, yelling at her new husband.

Donny! Don’t Stop!

Honey, this man needs our help. can’t you wait til we get back to the room? or at least until we drop him off?

She screamed louder…..What?!? NO! Not That. Let’s Get Out Of Here. I’m Scared…

The Crab Leaped over the embankment through the open passenger window of the stopped car.

OOOee ran. he couldn’t see a thing. looking back over his shoulder he heard the voices of the young man and woman screaming. the cars suspension rocking back and forth violently until it slowly stopped.

All you could hear now was the surf below coming ashore.


What is That?

The Crab was headed his way.

I was supposed to have the day off.

He kept moving.

Quarter mile up the highway, OOOee took a louie down a side road that led to a restricted section of land used by the army as training grounds during World War II. the area is littered with unexploded bombs and other munitions that have yet to be cleaned up. multiple pleas from locals to the U.S Government have gone unanswered. Feral dogs run loose in the area occasionally stepping on and detonating old ordinance. its extremely dangerous. Security fences surround the land blocking the public from entering.

Keep Out.

U.S. Army Property.

He climbed over the fence to the property.

Maybe? someone would be on guard? watching the place? maybe they had a phone?

OOOee didn’t. he left his phone in the truck. $#%T!

The place was quiet, no sign of a guard or guard-house anywhere. Large holes pockmarked the ground. Enormous impact craters surrounded him.

Maybe I can hide in one of these and wait it out until daylight? he thought.

The fence rattled. he stopped moving, listening. just the breeze. quiet……

The fence rattled again….

Low growling at first, grew louder. this was a different sound.

A feral dog approached baring its teeth. inching closer to OOOee.

The dog never saw the crab until it was too late. knocking it flat. the hound had…had it.

OOOee ducked his head below the rim of the crater he was in. holding his breath. had it seen me?

What is that thing?

The crab did indeed see him. it started to growl. stepping forward placing its leg directly on top of an unexploded munition. until….the munition, exploded. the concussion of the blast set off countless other old bombs and munition on the grounds. the night sky glowed. The crab was blown to bits.

Help came pretty quick as the blasts were heard up in Upcountry. 

The Police along with Army Officers from Pohakuloa Training Area showed up to interrogate OOOee. Satisfied. OOOee was then taken to the hospital treated and released.

He ended up being a hero to the locals. currently the area is slated to get the ok for development of 5 homestead communities that are located within two sections of the Big Island that OOOee helped clear by accidentally luring the crab onto the private property. The sections cover about 100,000 acres.

The crab pushed its luck too far. should have headed out to sea and left well enough alone. but no? it had to push it. Messed wit da wrong Hawaiian.

Sometimes you eat the OOOee. Sometimes, the OOOee eats you.

How did dat ting get loose? everyone wanted to know.

Turns out when the driver of the truck stopped for a burger in Waimea. Some Eco-Extremist-Conservationists later identified as Yutov Moore, Ahmad Dogg, Sue Flay, Helen Bedd and Dawn Sara Lee Light broke into the parked truck and tried to release all of the animals. they were successful getting inside. beginning to open the cages and water tanks, until the driver appeared. scaring them off before they had completed their mission. unaware of this, he drove off.

Mass hysteria immediately ensued inside, critters and creatures of the sea and the air began to rip each other to shreds on the road down from Waimea to Waikoloa. Mayhem eventually smashed into the cab. the driver fought for his life and lost. being consumed by several of the larger creatures including the Coconut Crab. setting in motion the colossal struggle witnessed today on the Big Island of Hawaii.

As for OOOee? No Worries Brah, He Da King of Da Big Island, Island Royalty. if only for today? that’s cool wit OOOee. he’s just happy to be home. sitting in his chair, cold drink in hand, enjoying cool breezes.

Wit not a care in the world.

Today I am Colonel Pineapple. Yesterday I was Captain Coconut. But I got promoted.

Listening to his music and thinking about this and that.

The only appropriate emotion is gratitude.