Winter | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do / Winter | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do

Squirrel in The Snowblower

IMG_0705I feel horrible.

But the squirrel has to take some of the responsibility here.

I was just trying to clear snow off the sidewalk.

Time slowed down.

If you’ve been in a car accident, you know what I’m talking about.

Hearing the spinning of tires in snow rounding the corner down the street.

I yanked the starter cord and the snowblower roared to life.

Exhaling into the air I could see my breath.

As the car sped by, must have surprised the squirrel crossing the street? it came flying over the snow covered parkway in front of our house in a full tilt boogie.

The sight of a flying squirrel startled me. I’d heard the stories. Saw the cartoon. Yet, I didn’t know that they were indigenous to this part of the world? in the jungles maybe? Not North America.

Falling back into the snow bank. the grinding snowblower blades swung in the direction of the airborne squirrel.

Poor dumb bastard didn’t stand a chance.

I watched as he flew overhead in the direction of the blades, our eyes met just for a moment? he seemed both frightened and really surprised to see me laying in the snow.

Like an out of control ski jumper who’d already committed. there would be no high marks for this jump. and no medal at the end of the competition.

It was ghastly.

The freshly fallen snow on our parkway was…..well?

I tried to save him. but alas my skills as a squirrel surgeon are limited.

Seeing what was left of him, I made a quick judgement call. I had to do the humane thing and put him out of his misery.

The shovel seemed to do the trick.

Although, having to explain to several seniors leaving church across the street what I was doing with the shovel? proved a wee bit unfortunate.

The police were called to our home, they took my statement. wanting to know if I had any plans to leave town?

When I told them I didn’t? they asked me to be more careful. that this town didn’t take kindly to squirrel killers. reminding me it was a friendly village. they had laws against this sort of thing.

I mumbled under my breath as they left.

Taking the remains of the squirrel to what I refer to as Boot Hill in the corner of our backyard.

I gave him a proper burial and spoke some real nice words over him. I’m sure his kin folk would have been pleased.

Looking back. It was probably a mistake that I named him, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Rocky’s not alone out there in Boot Hill. he’s buried along with a dead opossum I found frozen solid next to the garage last winter, a decapitated chipmunk my wife found in the backyard. and what appears to be the remains of some former homeowner’s deceased beast, its scattered bones made it look like it had been in some sort of tussle?

When I came inside the house.

My wife asked, What were you doing with the shovel in the backyard?

I told her, I was burying Rocky.

Who The Hell is Rocky?!? she demanded.

That’s when I just lost it and started to sob. I know, I know?…’s just a squirrel…you say. but you weren’t partly responsible for his demise.

Hoping it snows again soon to cover the massacre stain out in front of our house. Too many kids in the neighborhood are stopping by to check it out.

I’m just trying to distance myself from the whole incident.

I can’t change things. if I could go back and save Rocky? I surely would. but I can’t. what’s done is done.

We grieve the loss, we may get angry. We may question our own exsistence. But at some point, we need to put it behind us and move on.

I’d like to think Rocky would have wanted me to.

You have to learn to let go. Once grief gets ahold of you?

It can be hard to move on.

But take it from me, it’s the best course of action.

Life is so short. For us all.

Forgive yourself.

It’s the only way out.

Shock to the System.

It’s been said that with long exposure to extreme cold temperatures people will get a little goofy.

There have been documented cases of individuals wandering off to die in the woods if overcome by brutal cold temperatures outside.

Reports show the soon to be blocks of ice will just lay down in the snow and expire. dreaming they are on a warm sunny beach. completely unaware that their body is shutting down.

Going from cold stupid to cold crazy is a fine line. Delusions and Hallucinations are commonly reported. the ability to think rationally disappears.

Cold stupid you just don’t know any better. you aren’t aware of the effect the cold is having on your system, you get confused.

Cold crazy? is just that. you are off your nut friggin goofy. doing goofy stuff.

I swear. I had no idea what was going on.

The police filled my wife in after they found me and took me to the hospital.

It was right in the middle of the coldest weather to hit town in two decades. they called it a Polar Vortex.  -15 below zero, with the wind chill making it feel like -35 below zero.

Right before the freeze hit town, we had several snowstorms dropping close to a foot of snow in our area. the day the cold hit, the snow plows in our village kept plowing in the end of our driveway,

I went out several times to clear it so we could get the car out in the event of an emergency. my wife pleaded for me not to go out that night, that the temps were now being broadcast as dangerous.

“Please don’t go outside, it freezing out there.” she said.

Aw Baloney! Came my brilliant reply.

This was nothing more than the media making a big deal out of nothing again. that’s what the media does these days. Every single time a weather related story comes on.

Run for your Lives!

It’s the End of the World!

Every storm now has a name. It’s not just hurricanes, tropical storms and typhoons. now it’s winter storm this and winter storm that.

It’s just a snow storm, why does it need a name?

“Bunch of bunk.” I said.

“Sweetie please.” she pleaded.

“No, I’m going out to shovel the end of the driveway. they’ve plowed us in again!”

They found me a couple of hours later.

We traced my steps the best we could after the fact.

Mrs Anderson down the street told the police she heard a noise on her front porch that sounded like growling.

When she turned on her front porch light. A man was standing there pointing his finger at a plastic Santa Claus decoration in an accusatory manner.

Upon seeing her standing in the window, she reported I slowly turned and pointed my finger at her, growled and ran off between the houses.

Weather report on the evening news was broadcasting dangerous temperatures in our area.

Munk McPherson told his parents he was watching TV in the living room. instead of doing his homework when he heard a scratching at the window. he opened the blinds and spotted me standing there looking in at him. Allegedly, I held up my index finger and mouthed Shhhhh.

Terrified, Munk yelled out to his parents in the next room.

I disappeared into the darkness. Allegedly.

Footprints in the snow revealed I tried to jump a wrought iron fence a block away, Sadly, I didn’t quite make it.

Apparently the last time I tried to vault myself over. I only got half way. getting impaled by a spike on the top of the fence.

It pierced through my pants stabbing me in the right cheek of my buttocks.

The following morning they found a small piece of what looked like gristle stuck on the top of the fence spike.

A block away, John and Margaret Mulligan’s Dogs started barking. I had tried to break into the locked shed in their backyard. a motion detector that turns on a flood light to deter small critters went on.

Alerted by the light and hearing the commotion, John Mulligan immediately called the police.

I crawled into the Mulligan’s dog house trying to hide they say.

Mulligan opened his back door yelling outside, “Who’s there!”

A strange buzzing noise was coming from the dog house.

So he yelled out again, “WHO’S OUT THERE!”

A pained voice yelled back.


Sporadic Buzzing continued to emanate from the dog house.

Mulligan grabbed a baseball bat.

Thankfully the police arrived, cautiously entering the backyard before dragging me out.

They gently placed me in the back of the squad car, blasting the heater,  covering me up with a blanket until paramedics arrived.

Once in the Ambulance, I was transported to the hospital.

Upon examination.

I had a cut on my forehead that didn’t require stitches. a gash on the right cheek of my rear end that did.

Thankfully I didn’t lose any fingers or toes to frostbite. remarkably, my hat and gloves stayed on throughout the ordeal. it took several days to get the feeling back in them.

I lost my wallet, the keys to our house, and no small measure of my dignity.

Having to get nine stitches in my ass while the nurses giggled, was a wee bit embarrassing.

They brought me home from the hospital today.

Tried to contact Mrs Anderson. though she hasn’t returned my calls as of yet.

Apologized to The Mulligan’s for the damage to their shed and doghouse, offering to pay them for any repairs needed.

Also apologized to Munk McPherson. which was tough, cause I can’t stand the little brat.

Nevertheless, when you’re wrong? you say you’re sorry. even if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Mostly? I feel bad for scaring The Mrs. An Amazing Woman with The Patience of a Saint.

If only I’d listened.

Once again she was proven to be correct. And for that, among other events in the evening, I feel so incredibly foolish.

We still have a lot of unanswered questions about that night.

The very last thing I can remember besides being really really cold was going next door to help an elderly neighbor shovel her driveway.

There were signs that I sat down in a pile of snow, to rest perhaps? Most likely overcome by the below freezing temperatures.

After that? it’s anybody’s guess.

Not very smart I’ll admit.

The mind works in strange ways when your body is being taxed.

I just wanted to keep the end of our driveway clear of snow?

I was really fortunate to survive.

Mother Nature is not to be trifled with.

The elements are unforgiving.

Not everyone gets a second chance.