humor | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do / humor | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do

Dark winter evening, fierce windy outside the pubs door. Two men sit across from each other engaged in lively banter. Empty Pint Glasses fill the table. A warm fire cast a glow in the room. 

Jimmy: If Jimmy Healy was dead, he’d be turning in his grave. but he’s not dead, so he isn’t.

Tommy: Don’t start Jimmy Healying me now.

Jimmy: Was tha 40 year ago?

Tommy: Thief! Sold him a bag of the herb in secondary school.

Jimmy: Here we go…

Tommy: ….Said he’d pay me tomorrow. Bastard! avoiding me ever since.

Jimmy: Oh he’s not avoiding ya on the count of tha.

Tommy: Ya mean that business with his sister?

Jimmy: Your business with his sister is your own business.

Tommy: Who has the better life the town crow or the country crow?

Jimmy: Careful now, crows hold grudges and never forget a face.

Tommy: I’ll not say anything bad about crows.

Jimmy: Treat crows well.

Tommy: Yer man Jimmy Healy reminds me of a crow, the shite.

Jimmy: Looks at ya like a crow lookin inta a bag a crisps.

Tommy: Tha Bastard.

Jimmy: Grab that crow, grab it wit both of yer hands, like a burglar, Hold it above yer head and Run!

Tommy: Think I’m going mad. 

Jimmy: Going?

Tommy: And Charles Manson is gone.

Jimmy: Wasn’t he in The Great Escape?

Tommy: Wha? No….killed all those people in California in the 60’s.

Jimmy: Charles Bronson killed people in California?

Tommy: No, in the fillums.

Jimmy: You ar going mad.

Tommy: Look around, Feels like it sometimes.

Jimmy: Wha bout Kelly? Since his stroke, hows he been eh? poor bastard.

Tommy: Don’t know how he does it. Bad hand, bad fookin hand,

Jimmy: Not shar wha I’d do.

Tommy: Pray ya never do lad, pray. All he does is sleep an sit in front of the Telly.

Jimmy: Telly? Tha mans eyes an hearing are shite.

Tommy: That’s why he sits in front of it.

Jimmy: Sits in front of wha?

Tommy: Have ya been listening to anything I’ve said?

Jimmy: Wha?

Tommy: Have ya heard about Mulligans Mrs Sleep walking?

Jimmy: Wha’s Happened? Is there trouble?

Tommy: She wakes him up constantly, her screaming in her sleep every night. Very unsettling, says he.

Jimmy: Screaming is it? Sound asleep then?

Tommy: Screaming.

Jimmy: Unsettling.

Tommy: That’s what I said.

Jimmy: What’s Tha?

Tommy: Ran around with Jimmy Healy for a time. Mulligan never knew.

Jimmy: Sneaky Bastard, herself no good either, no wonder she’s walking the house at night screaming.

Tommy: Can ya imagine what’d Mulligan do to him if he finds out?

Jimmy: Good thing she’s not talking in her sleep too.

Tommy: Wha? no no no. sleep walking, not talking.

Jimmy: Bastard, Does she even know what she’s getting herself into?

Tommy: Do any of us really truly know?

Jimmy: I know enough to not get involved with a married woman.

Tommy: Ah so you’re the one.

Jimmy: I am

Tommy: He’s got another Molly I hear, Face like a cats hole.

Jimmy: Who?

Tommy: Who?!? Jimmy Healy!

Jimmy: Once the two of them sober up, it’ll sort itself out I’m thinking.

Tommy: Last one was gone before she had time to move in.

Jimmy: Hasn’t he been married 4 times?

Tommy: Impetuous

Jimmy: That wild look in their eyes is there for a reason. 

Tommy: Maybe get to know her a little first?

Jimmy: Tha how they put it these days?

Tommy: You got to know several in yer day….didn’t cha lad?

Jimmy: Many have vouched for the veracity…of, of, of….lets just call it my character.

Tommy: Voracity? Heard people give it a name before, Usually….Mickey, The Manky One or Willy.

Jimmy: Manky?

Tommy: Tha Jimmy Healy is a Manky Bastard.

Jimmy: Himself, married 4 times? 4 times! wha is tha hurry? 

Tommy: Don’t have to commit to anything before yer ready. Sleep on it. Make yer decision with a clear head, and a full eh….? eh?….stomach.

Jimmy: May you marry in haste and repent at leisure.

Tommy: May you marry a woman who blows wind like a stone from a sling.

Jimmy: An himself? Naw, no prize there. 

Tommy: The sea wouldn’t give him a wave.

Jimmy: Himself and his ways. 

Tommy: There’ll be heat to your arse yet Jimmy Healy.

Jimmy: Wish him a quick trip to hell.

Tommy: That you may die roaring like Doran’s ass.

Jimmy: May the lamb of god stir his hoof through the roof of heaven and kick you in the arse down to hell.

Tommy: The crows’ curse on you. Blast You to Hell!

Setting: Exterior of a pub in the Irish Countryside. above the door, a wooden sign that reads,

The Chipped Tooth.

Today is a Fierce Hot Late Summer Afternoon.

An imposing Figure approaches it’s door. as he reaches for it’s handle, it opens to revel a smaller man.

Tommy: Gwan git yerself into dis here queue lad.

Jimmy: Aiye Tom.

Tommy: Ya Big Footed Galute. Where is it ya been keeping yer self? How ar yas?

Jimmy: Puttin out fires at home Tom, putting da out fires.

Tommy: As we all are lad, as we all are. Heard ya took some stitches last week, how’s the mouth?

Jimmy: She’s home with the young wans.

Tommy: Sit down, you have the look of a man that needs a pint.

Tommy rises from his seat at the table, heads to the bar to order for his friend.

Jimmy drops into the snug. Tommy returns with Two pints of plain.

Tommy: Ya look terrible. tell me yer troubles lad. What’s happened?

Jimmy: Don’t know where to start.

Tommy: Don’t make me drag it out of ya.

Jimmy: I’m not a well man Tom.

Tommy: What’s wrong?

Jimmy: High Blood Pressure, Thyroid Problems, Stomach Turning. I’m Not Sleeping Well. Headaches, My Feet, My Back, My Left Shoulder is a Fookin Mess.

Tommy: I’m so sorry.

Jimmy: Ya haven’t even heard the worst of it.

Tommy: Jaysus, not the worst of it is it? I know I’m gonna regret this, what worse than tha?

Jimmy: I’m seeing things Tommy.

Tommy: Things? Wha things?

Jimmy: Banshees.

Tommy: Wha?! Banshees?!?

Jimmy: Last Friday night. Scared the bejesus out of me. Haven’t slept right since. Keeping me up ta all hours.

Tommy: You can’t be serious.

Jimmy: This is No laughing matter Tom.

Tommy: Slow down lad, slow yerself down. Now, Did ya see it….or hear it?

Jimmy: What does it matter?

Tommy: Matters greatly, if in ya only heard you’re better off. Now if ya saw it? Well then that’s a different matter altogether. Pack yer bags man.

Jimmy: Banshee is a Banshee Tom.

Tommy: True, True. Don’t get me wrong, Hear a Banshee? Is unsettling to be sure. Though ya see one? Well then….one who sees one is doomed.

Jimmy: Shite.

Tommy: Ar ya sure ya wasn’t hearing tha young couple next door having a go?

Jimmy: Sure it wasn’t them. Heard a commotion coming from the closet in da bedroom.

Tommy: What did it sound like?

Jimmy: A Wailing.

Tommy: Was it Screaming or Moaning?

Jimmy: I already told yas….Ya Eejit! Wailing sound, Wha in the hell is da difference? Ar ya not listening to me?

Tommy: Calm down. Screaming or Wailing is something to fear. Moaning? maybe she’s in some kind of distress?

Jimmy: Dats all I need, a moaning banshee tha needs help. For fucks sake, I got enough problems.

Tommy: Sounds like ya got a barrow full.

Jimmy: Big help you are. What am I gonna do?

Tommy: Move da fuck outta da house. Sell it. Just go.

Jimmy: How do you suggest I tell me Mrs and The Children?

Tommy: Ah they don’t know yet?

Jimmy: Course not, They’d never believe me.

Tommy: I see what ya mean. Not sure I believe ya neither.

Jimmy: I’m not lying, on me mothers grave , I saw it, pointed right at me. Threw her hairbrush at me.

Tommy: That’s a curse lad.

Jimmy: Don’t I know it.

Tommy: Jaysus, Mary and Joseph. Yer health problems are the least of your worries. Banshees.

Jimmy: What do I do, no one will believe it.

Tommy: Calm yourself, and listen carefully lad. Everything we hear is an opinion. Not a fact. Everything we see is perspective. Not the truth.

Jimmy: Where’d ya hear tha?

Tommy: Tha fella use to predict the future….Nosferatu.

Jimmy: Have ya ever seen one?

Tommy: Seen a share of shite in my day. Never a banshee.

Jimmy: Is it possible the best days ar over and done with. That what’s left for me is only this, The banshee is here for a reason.

Tommy: Have ya ever thought that maybe, just maybe, your best days right now are The best days? You’ve six brilliant kids, Lovely wife, What if These are The Best Days of Our Lives?

Jimmy: Have ya not been listening?

Tommy: I have. You’re sick, Ya got a banshee up in the closet of your bedroom who’s throwing hairbrushes at ya. I’m only trying to point out tha maybe. You’re not seeing the big picture.

Jimmy: Picture Wha? I’ll be lucky to make it through the weekend.

Tommy: Stop it, time is short, no one gets outta here alive. Make the best of it. Drink up, Inhale deeply, Go home and confront that fookin banshee. Give the Mrs a good ride. Open that closet door and let that banshee have a good look at the two of yas. If in she can’t see she’s made a mistake. Then face it right square in the face. Make your peace, You’ve done the best ya can. Remember all you’ve done. Be thankful you’re not poor Ol Muldoon. Ya remember what happened ta him, haven’t ya?

Jimmy: I have, Poor bastard.

Tommy: You’ve been dealt a bad hand, and have to play it. It’s just one hand. They’ll be others.

Jimmy: Ahh Tom, Sure ya know yerself, I’m late in da game, not sure how many hands I have left. on top of it all these medicines I’m taking, can’t remember which ones I took and which I haven’t? Five different pills, Five. Seven if ya count da vitamins. can’t keep up with it all. been a stretch since I’ve had a happy day, I know, I know it’s a choice they say. not so sure anymore. All these medications, numbing people so they can keep producing, keep working, at what cost Tom? at what cost? people so jacked up they don’t sleep anymore, can’t sleep. what if these medications are making me see things? 

Tommy: That’s it then, all these medications combined are making ya see things. stop taking em, talk to your doctor. 

Jimmy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of woman’s knickers placing it on the table in front of them.

Jimmy: How do you explain this then?

Tommy: Don’t tell me….

Jimmy nods

Tommy: Jaysus, The Banshees knickers is it?

Jimmy silently lowers his head in his hands,

Tommy: We’re gonna need another couple of pints here.