I found it in the road, I didn’t know it fed on native birds and turtles? I didn’t know it was a hazard for children and pets? these things can rip through coconut husk like its butter. and will mess up your garden or lawn.
-Professor Hugh Biquitis-
University of Hawaii 1977 Journal of Science.
All hell was about to break loose on the Big Island of Hawaii.
Lives would be changed forever.
It started out like every other day in paradise. trade winds, sunshine, wit da waves rolling in.
OOOee Mano was on the lanai of his house upcountry in Waimea, when he heard it come on the radio.
Strange goings on.
The report told of a truck over turned on highway 19 coming down from Waimea. The driver identified as Justin Casey Bolts of Kona has disappeared without a trace. Officers first on the scene discovered someone or something had cut a hole from inside and escaped. According to its owner, the truck was transporting animals to a zoo exhibit at the Waikoloa Hilton. many of the animals and sea creatures are missing, having possibly escaped? those that haven’t, are either in no condition to give a statement. or can’t because they’re tropical birds and sea creatures and shit. inspection of the inside of the truck revealed carnage, in both the cab and in the back where the cages and water tanks were located. a brawl appears to have been fought here.
But who started it? what happened to the participants? No one’s talking.
Those who have lived through an attack by a Coconut Crab or Crab’s will tell ya.
They’re Very Strong, Incredibly Ill Tempered. Originally from Micronesia. They posses a massive Stomach. It’s Pinchers are almost as big as your arm.
Brah? you get in its way? it hurt you bad. mess you up.
The Coconut Crab is a definite anti-social type. known to snap off fingers and indiscriminate to do some serious damage elsewhere.
OOOee was driving a cargo van that night bringing Snack cakes and Yoo-Hoo to The Kings and Queens Shops on the Kohala Coast.
Coming down the mountain on Highway 19 about an hour past sunset.
While rounding a turn, the crab attacked. its massive claw reached out and latched onto the back bumper of the van pulling itself aboard, cutting a hole and climbing inside.
Listening to his music and thinking about this and that. OOOee had no idea what was creepin about inside the back of his van.
Locked up long enough, this was one angry crab. bent on doing some bad.
The Coconut Crab burst inside the cab and started snapping his massive claw at OOOee. Who did what anyone would when faced with a Hideous Creature ready to do you harm. he hit it repeatedly with a wrench really hard. screaming like a little schoolgirl, he fainted. driving off the side of the road down the steep embankment. The Van smashed through the lava rocks and various scrub bushes coming to a violent halt landing in an old lava tube.
Lucky for OOOee this lava tube was an old flow. and not the new lava that flowed on the other side of the island.
The vans drivers door was wedged in between the lava rock. it wouldn’t open. OOOee released his seatbelt climbing out the window.
The Beast was thrown through the windshield as the van came to rest in the lava tube.
OOOee didn’t stop to wait and see if it was ok? OK? he turned and ran for his life, scrambling up the embankment towards the road above.
Coconut Crab was in Hot Pursuit. growling and covered in snack cakes and broken bottles of Yoo-Hoo.
Making it back to the main road. No streetlights, gas stations, Nothing, but….darkness.
When night falls on the island. you can’t see your hand in front of your face. only thing to do is head down the road and hope a car or truck comes by. and, that they stop.
Car headlights approached at a high rate of speed.
OOOee frantically waved his arms. it swerved narrowly missing him. continuing on tail lights disappearing over the next rise.
The growling began to get louder, and Louder.
What is that thing?
Another set of headlights in the distance.
Stepping onto the roadway. he could hear loud music and a woman’s screaming as the car locked up its brakes.
OOOee stood terrified in the oncoming lane. the driver yelled out the window “Are You Crazy?!?”
A young couple most likely on their honeymoon far away from whatever place they called home. the lady was straddling the man in the front seat. These two were definitely not observing the rules of the road in any country.
OOOee pleaded, “You Gotta Help Me, Something Is After Me!”
The girl in the car reached for her shorts on the passenger seat trying to cover herself up, yelling at her new husband.
“Donny! Don’t Stop!”
“Honey, this man needs our help. can’t you wait til we get back to the room? or at least until we drop him off?”
She screamed louder…..”What?!? NO! Not That. Let’s Get Out Of Here. I’m Scared…”
The Crab Leaped over the embankment through the open passenger window of the stopped car.
OOOee ran. he couldn’t see a thing. looking back over his shoulder he heard the voices of the young man and woman screaming. the cars suspension rocking back and forth violently until it slowly stopped.
All you could hear now was the surf below coming ashore.
What is That?
The Crab was headed his way.
“I was supposed to have the day off.”
He kept moving.
Quarter mile up the highway, OOOee took a louie down a side road that led to a restricted section of land used by the army as training grounds during World War II. the area is littered with unexploded bombs and other munitions that have yet to be cleaned up. multiple pleas from locals to the U.S Government have gone unanswered. Feral dogs run loose in the area occasionally stepping on and detonating old ordinance. its extremely dangerous. Security fences surround the land blocking the public from entering.
U.S. Army Property.
He climbed over the fence to the property.
Maybe? someone would be on guard? watching the place? maybe they had a phone?
OOOee didn’t. he left his phone in the truck. $#%T!
The place was quiet, no sign of a guard or guard-house anywhere. Large holes pockmarked the ground. Enormous impact craters surrounded him.
Maybe I can hide in one of these and wait it out until daylight? he thought.
The fence rattled. he stopped moving, listening. just the breeze. quiet……
The fence rattled again….
Low growling at first, grew louder. this was a different sound.
A feral dog approached baring its teeth. inching closer to OOOee.
The dog never saw the crab until it was too late. knocking it flat. the hound had…had it.
OOOee ducked his head below the rim of the crater he was in. holding his breath. had it seen me?
What is that thing?
The crab did indeed see him. it started to growl. stepping forward placing its leg directly on top of an unexploded munition. until….the munition, exploded. the concussion of the blast set off countless other old bombs and munition on the grounds. the night sky glowed. The crab was blown to bits.
Help came pretty quick as the blasts were heard up in Upcountry.
The Police along with Army Officers from Pohakuloa Training Area showed up to interrogate OOOee. Satisfied. OOOee was then taken to the hospital treated and released.
He ended up being a hero to the locals. currently the area is slated to get the ok for development of 5 homestead communities that are located within two sections of the Big Island that OOOee helped clear by accidentally luring the crab onto the private property. The sections cover about 100,000 acres.
The crab pushed its luck too far. should have headed out to sea and left well enough alone. but no? it had to push it. Messed wit da wrong Hawaiian.
Sometimes you eat the OOOee. Sometimes, the OOOee eats you.
“How did dat ting get loose?” everyone wanted to know.
Turns out when the driver of the truck stopped for a burger in Waimea. Some Eco-Extremist-Conservationists later identified as Yutov Moore, Ahmad Dogg, Sue Flay, Helen Bedd and Dawn Sara Lee Light broke into the parked truck and tried to release all of the animals. they were successful getting inside. beginning to open the cages and water tanks, until the driver appeared. scaring them off before they had completed their mission. unaware of this, he drove off.
Mass hysteria immediately ensued inside, critters and creatures of the sea and the air began to rip each other to shreds on the road down from Waimea to Waikoloa. Mayhem eventually smashed into the cab. the driver fought for his life and lost. being consumed by several of the larger creatures including the Coconut Crab. setting in motion the colossal struggle witnessed today on the Big Island of Hawaii.
As for OOOee? No Worries Brah, He Da King of Da Big Island, Island Royalty. if only for today? that’s cool wit OOOee. he’s just happy to be home. sitting in his chair, cold drink in hand, enjoying cool breezes.
Wit not a care in the world.
“Today I am Colonel Pineapple. Yesterday I was Captain Coconut. But I got promoted.”
Listening to his music and thinking about this and that.
The only appropriate emotion is gratitude.