Delusions | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do / Delusions | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do

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In front of a restaurant the sign read.

Squirrels always look and act like it’s their first day being a Squirrel.

Well? I don’t know about that. I can assure you the Squirrels I’m familiar with, absolutely do not behave like this. These cold, calculating, insidious little creatures are simply not to be trusted.

Never more sure of anything in my life.

The squirrel in the tree above appeared to be laughing at me.

Hissing at it. I turned back to my raking. filling up seven more bags of leaves.

Looked back up into the tree.

Odd, still there.

Only now, there’s two more with it. watching me.

Exchanging sideways glances.

These three were up to something. No two ways about it.

Imposter. I heard a voice say, You fool no one.

The voice sounded like Peter Lorre?

At once the other two started in on me.

He’s holding the rake all wrong! Will ya look at this guy?

He’s not taking into account the wind? it’s out of the west.

No No it’s out of the north!

Hey man? get it together. rake away from the wind, geez c’mon!

If he’d check the weather he’d see the wind is going to pick up.

Peter Lorre and his squirrely pals were hassling me. criticizing my technique. my way of doing things.

I rubbed my eyes. nope, still there.

If he waited two days? he wouldn’t have to rake em? they’re all gonna blow away!

One put a finger in its mouth to dampen it, holding it aloft to test the wind.

High pressure system is heading our way. winds definitely gonna change. it said.

I dropped the rake and ran into the house.

That night, as I slept.

A voice, Imposter.

Tossed and Turned all night.

Dreamt of Squirrels. Some pointed at me and laughed. One punched his fist repeatedly into its palm, Some gave me knowing nods and thumbs up, one flipped me the bird.

The very next afternoon.

I was raking in the yard again,

Looked up into the trees, they were filled with squirrels.

Every branch. Every limb was full of them. And every one of them was looking at me.

Do yourself a favor, move back to the city, you’re out of your element.

It was that prick Peter Lorre.

One of his henchmen threw a bus ticket at me. told me to Beat it.

An eerie silence fell.

The herd of squirrels continued staring at me from the branches above.

Something deep inside me decided enough was enough. Everybody else will tell you I just fuckin’ snapped.

I calmly went into our garage, found the can of gas for the lawnmower, pouring it out at the base of a tree.

Yeah, damn right I lit it.

How do you like that PETER?!? WHERE’S YOUR MOSES NOW!?!

Flames raced up the trees trunk.

The Screen door exploded open. My wife, ran out of the house, grabbing our garden hose spraying the tree with water.

In the distance, sirens approached.

Can you believe that Honey? Did you see them? Did you hear what Peter said to me? Look? they gave me this bus ticket.

She looked at our charred tree, before turning to contemplate the love of her life.

What is wrong with you? What Bus Ticket? Who’s Peter!?

I Didn’t Do Anything? They Started it!

A fire truck pulled up in front of our house. followed by the police. I was ticketed, assigned a court date and told in no uncertain terms not to set anymore fires.

I walked back into the house. and stared at the fireplace. confused.

The following morning, got dressed and went out into our front yard to scan the trees.

Where’d they all go?

It began to rain. winds were gusting through the branches. I stood there soaked to the bone an hour or so watching and listening. Until I heard the rumble of thunder. I had some chores to do before the game started.

Work, work, work.

That afternoon, I fell asleep on the couch.

I was in Hawaii. relaxing in a lounge chair at the pool.

A squirrel in sun glasses approached me and asked me If I’d like something to drink? I said, No thank you, Would it be possible to get something to eat?

The squirrel shook his head, hit me with his little drink tray and ran off.

Rolling off the couch, I landed on the floor with a thud.

Had a difficult time sleeping that night. keeping one eye on the tree outside our bedroom window. first I heard scratching. then murmuring? as though an angry crowd had gathered.

It kept growing louder and louder.

I pulled the covers up to my chin and waited.

The next day at work things got a little sketchy. I had some sort of a confrontation with a parking meter.

At lunch, Co-workers saw me yelling at my sandwich in the breakroom.

All anyone would say is, he seemed incredibly distraught.

They called my wife to come get me. To be clear, if I may?

Just because she signed the papers to put me away. does not mean she doesn’t care. It’s a temporary arrangement. ok?

She needed to do something I suppose? Everyday for the past two weeks.

I would come home from work and run through the sprinkler in my suit.

Sure, I got a few strange looks. But what the hell? I’ve been under a lot of stress at work in my defense.

Down the street, we have a guy who once a week cuts his lawn, crack of dawn in his pajamas while drinking a glass of wine.

Now that’s weird….Right?

Everybody’s dealing with something. You know?

Pressures either at work, issues with your kids, your spouse, maybe it’s a combination of things?

If that’s your only problem? Be Thankful. The stuff on the surface can be handled. You can work through it.

But, if you start to see things? Or hear voices? things that aren’t there? Well? You have my sympathy and my understanding Pal.

I really want to go home. I’m tired of all these restrictions.

I wasn’t talking to the squirrel. He was talking to me.

What was I suppose to do? Ignore it?

I should’ve, I could’ve, unfortunately? I didn’t.

So now?

I’m sharing a room with this guy who thinks he’s….Magilla Gorilla. Keeps calling me Ogee or Mr. Peebles.

I guess I shouldn’t complain, he’s respectful, picks up his stuff, stays on his side of the room. What more can you ask of a roommate? his goofy voice can wear on you. All this “Gee Mr. Peebles” nonsense. My Name is not Mr. Peebles. I don’t own a pet store with a Gorilla for sale.

Let it go man!

Won’t you buy him? Take him home and try him? Gorilla for sale.

C’mon? take him home and try him? That’ll never work. It’d destroy your house, kill your family? then what? Steal a Car, Head for the Empire State Building?

I only want to go home and run through the sprinkler. get things back to normal.

My wife told me on her last visit that my friends and co-workers have been calling to inquire how I’m doing?

I’m feeling better. the dreams have subsided. I am sleeping better.

Although? I can’t be sure that they won’t come back?

I saw a squirrel outside yesterday. stopped me in my tracks.

Didn’t talk to me. Didn’t even look my way. Which is fine by me.

Doctor tells me I should make a full recovery. I just need some rest.

Things are a lot easier here, I have lots of friends. nice bed to sleep in, three square meals a day.

I get visitors from time to time holding clipboards.

Everyone is always asking me how I am?

We get to talk about our problems every day. The people who work here are really friendly.

The patients are mostly cool. Mostly.

Except for this guy named Larry who keeps asking everyone, Is it safe?

How the fuck should I know Larry?

Tomorrow for grins. I might tell Larry, It’s not safe, while staring at his forehead. just to see what happens.

I think I’m calmer now? calmer than most people in here.

As long as I promise to take my medicine, listen to my doctors, and stay off the electric fence.

I can have jello for desert. And….Not the kind they put fruit in. I like my jello clean, and neat. Preferably Lime or Cherry. don’t even try to pass off that stuff you can’t see through. You know the kind I’m talking about? That pink or white shit. You never know what surprises they’re hiding in there? I like to see through my food when possible. Otherwise, I just keep picking at it until I’m sure there are no surprises. I won’t drink anything out of a can. Has to be a bottle or jug I can see through.

I use to love fast food. not anymore. Few years ago some cement head was putting severed fingers in the chili at Wendy’s after he purchased it? Then, Blaming Wendy’s for it? and suing them? Wendy’s? The Guy hired a lawyer to sue Wendy’s? for, Are you ready for this? Mental Anguish. Messed up the whole fast food thing for me. Can’t go near it anymore. Bums me out. Because I love Chili.

I also love a Good Fish Taco. Extra Fish. Grande Fishy Taco por favor. With a glass of water. from a bottle, no ice.

Sometimes, I Hear Voices.

It’s been said that with long exposure to extreme cold temperatures people will get a little goofy.

There have been documented cases of individuals wandering off to die in the woods if overcome by brutal cold temperatures outside.

Reports show the soon to be blocks of ice will just lay down in the snow and expire. dreaming they are on a warm sunny beach. completely unaware that their body is shutting down.

Going from cold stupid to cold crazy is a fine line. Delusions and Hallucinations are commonly reported. the ability to think rationally disappears.

Cold stupid you just don’t know any better. you aren’t aware of the effect the cold is having on your system, you get confused.

Cold crazy? is just that. you are off your nut friggin goofy. doing goofy stuff.

I swear. I had no idea what was going on.

The police filled my wife in after they found me and took me to the hospital.

It was right in the middle of the coldest weather to hit town in two decades. they called it a Polar Vortex.  -15 below zero, with the wind chill making it feel like -35 below zero.

Right before the freeze hit town, we had several snowstorms dropping close to a foot of snow in our area. the day the cold hit, the snow plows in our village kept plowing in the end of our driveway,

I went out several times to clear it so we could get the car out in the event of an emergency. my wife pleaded for me not to go out that night, that the temps were now being broadcast as dangerous.

“Please don’t go outside, it freezing out there.” she said.

Aw Baloney! Came my brilliant reply.

This was nothing more than the media making a big deal out of nothing again. that’s what the media does these days. Every single time a weather related story comes on.

Run for your Lives!

It’s the End of the World!

Every storm now has a name. It’s not just hurricanes, tropical storms and typhoons. now it’s winter storm this and winter storm that.

It’s just a snow storm, why does it need a name?

“Bunch of bunk.” I said.

“Sweetie please.” she pleaded.

“No, I’m going out to shovel the end of the driveway. they’ve plowed us in again!”

They found me a couple of hours later.

We traced my steps the best we could after the fact.

Mrs Anderson down the street told the police she heard a noise on her front porch that sounded like growling.

When she turned on her front porch light. A man was standing there pointing his finger at a plastic Santa Claus decoration in an accusatory manner.

Upon seeing her standing in the window, she reported I slowly turned and pointed my finger at her, growled and ran off between the houses.

Weather report on the evening news was broadcasting dangerous temperatures in our area.

Munk McPherson told his parents he was watching TV in the living room. instead of doing his homework when he heard a scratching at the window. he opened the blinds and spotted me standing there looking in at him. Allegedly, I held up my index finger and mouthed Shhhhh.

Terrified, Munk yelled out to his parents in the next room.

I disappeared into the darkness. Allegedly.

Footprints in the snow revealed I tried to jump a wrought iron fence a block away, Sadly, I didn’t quite make it.

Apparently the last time I tried to vault myself over. I only got half way. getting impaled by a spike on the top of the fence.

It pierced through my pants stabbing me in the right cheek of my buttocks.

The following morning they found a small piece of what looked like gristle stuck on the top of the fence spike.

A block away, John and Margaret Mulligan’s Dogs started barking. I had tried to break into the locked shed in their backyard. a motion detector that turns on a flood light to deter small critters went on.

Alerted by the light and hearing the commotion, John Mulligan immediately called the police.

I crawled into the Mulligan’s dog house trying to hide they say.

Mulligan opened his back door yelling outside, “Who’s there!”

A strange buzzing noise was coming from the dog house.

So he yelled out again, “WHO’S OUT THERE!”

A pained voice yelled back.

“GO AWAY!”

Sporadic Buzzing continued to emanate from the dog house.

Mulligan grabbed a baseball bat.

Thankfully the police arrived, cautiously entering the backyard before dragging me out.

They gently placed me in the back of the squad car, blasting the heater,  covering me up with a blanket until paramedics arrived.

Once in the Ambulance, I was transported to the hospital.

Upon examination.

I had a cut on my forehead that didn’t require stitches. a gash on the right cheek of my rear end that did.

Thankfully I didn’t lose any fingers or toes to frostbite. remarkably, my hat and gloves stayed on throughout the ordeal. it took several days to get the feeling back in them.

I lost my wallet, the keys to our house, and no small measure of my dignity.

Having to get nine stitches in my ass while the nurses giggled, was a wee bit embarrassing.

They brought me home from the hospital today.

Tried to contact Mrs Anderson. though she hasn’t returned my calls as of yet.

Apologized to The Mulligan’s for the damage to their shed and doghouse, offering to pay them for any repairs needed.

Also apologized to Munk McPherson. which was tough, cause I can’t stand the little brat.

Nevertheless, when you’re wrong? you say you’re sorry. even if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Mostly? I feel bad for scaring The Mrs. An Amazing Woman with The Patience of a Saint.

If only I’d listened.

Once again she was proven to be correct. And for that, among other events in the evening, I feel so incredibly foolish.

We still have a lot of unanswered questions about that night.

The very last thing I can remember besides being really really cold was going next door to help an elderly neighbor shovel her driveway.

There were signs that I sat down in a pile of snow, to rest perhaps? Most likely overcome by the below freezing temperatures.

After that? it’s anybody’s guess.

Not very smart I’ll admit.

The mind works in strange ways when your body is being taxed.

I just wanted to keep the end of our driveway clear of snow?

I was really fortunate to survive.

Mother Nature is not to be trifled with.

The elements are unforgiving.

Not everyone gets a second chance.