Mystery | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do / Mystery | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do

Wild People are beyond our control. They live out in the woods. Wishing only to be left alone. If you get too close to them. They might end you.

Jeffery McCormack University of Hawaii. Professor of Anthropology, Explainer of The Unexplained 1982.

____________________________________________________________________________________

March 19, 2015. The Big Island of Hawaii.

One day you’ll see someone for the very first time.

People and Animals were disappearing in the Sleepy Coastal Village of Hawi on the northern most point of da Island.

Park Rangers and Residents have reported weird loud screams in the middle of the night. waking to find livestock mutilated from nearby farms scattered about. Trees uprooted. Large piles of rocks stacked neatly on beaches. where the prior day, there were none. Dogs walking backwards. Cats climbing trees and not coming down for weeks on end. Strange lights reported in the woods. lotta of ugly finger pointing going on. nobody ever uses their turn signal anymore? everybody’s scared.

The Pololu Valley is carved into the Kohala Mountains. Steep Terrain, Switchbacks and Trails lead to the valley floor, Some of those Trails can be treacherous. once you reach the bottom it opens to a secluded black sand beach. water from rain in the hills runs off out to sea by way of a stream that meanders through the valley.

Its Heavenly. Peaceful, Secluded.

Paradise in the Pacific.

These days. The mood is wrong. Locals are Maka’u.

Sundown to Sunrise, not many peoples outside ya?

Locked doors, Blinds drawn, No one goes out after dark no more. Not many people hike the Trail head, Uh Uh, No more.

Sightings have increased dramatically.

Something is out there. Deep in the forested valley. Lurking.

Late at Night, Howls, Growls and Screams emanate from the valley.

Around midnight, Driving home from his shift in Waikaloa. Dino Castino 23 year old Hawi resident hit the brakes, skidding to a stop on the wet mountain road.

What in the hell was that?

Something large had run out of the brush and slammed into his cars passenger door. It looked like a man? a large hairy man.

Frightened he got out, Dino looked down the hillside to see what he hit.

Unable to see a gosh darn thing. Clouds hid the moon from view on this night.

Darkness on the island is a darkness only those who live here understand.

What ever it was? was gone. just the sound of water below breaking on the rocky shoreline.

Walking round the front of the car he moved past its headlights to find a huge impression in his passenger side door.

Ahhh C’Mon Man!

Covered in a coat of what looked like a mix of skin and grease, the dents impression was deep into the door.

Maybe it was an animal? didn’t get a good enough look, couldn’t be? it was too big and on two feet, not down on all fours? It had to be injured.

He stopped to listen, nothing. but quiet.

Hello?!?

Nothing…..Wait, Was that? Naw, just the wind.

Dino realized he wasn’t going to find anything but trouble out here, deciding to head home to report the accident. back behind the wheel, he pulled on to the road from the shoulder.

Out of the corner of his eye, The boulder flew through the air towards the car.

Landing violently on the pavement directly in his path, forcing him through the guardrail over the embankment. slamming violently into a ditch with the edge of the pali mere feet away.

Loud howling shook the steep slope down to the water. Forehead bleeding after bouncing his noggin on the windshield, slightly stunned. He squinted out the side window. unable to see squat.

Instinctually, Grabbed his flashlight from his glove compartment. got out, walked over to the brush, Makai side. directed the lights beam into the bushes. Something smelled funky in there. Not good funky, naw, this was bold, nasty hold your nose bad funked up stank.

Approaching the edge, Peering downward, Dino spotted movement, climbing his way.

Dis ting was big, wit long arms, wide shoulders, making noise dat give you da creepies and da willies.

It was growling and moving fast.

Suddenly the brush exploded forward.

Darkness had come for him.

Scrambling and slipping in the gravel, Dino sprinted around the car down the path sloped towards the water.

Running through the trees, it ferociously pursued.

This Massive Growling shadowy figure right on his heels.

A large hairy arm reached for his neck.

Dino found himself airborne.

Early the next day, Authorities found his body on the rocky shoreline below.

Investigators finding two distinctively different sets of footprints leading right up to the edge of da pali. one matching the deceased, Dino Castino 23 years old from Hawi.

While this investigation continued…..miles away in upcountry.

OOOee looked up from his plate of Loco Moco at the Hawaiian Style Cafe in Waimea. best damn breakfast on da island. Standing, adjusting his waistband. The Massive Iocal glided out the screened front door into the street.

Ohhh Brah……Broke da mouth.

An enormous forearm reaches up towards his mouth to revel the smiling face of Da Man himself.

Six foot Two, Two hundred eighty nine pound OOOee Mano. wipes his face, rubbing the remains of his breakfast onto his shorts. never once stopping his movement.

Plenty Good Grindz. Plenty Good Ya.

Exhaling loudly, OOOee slides behind the wheel of his Chevy Pickup. His cell phone rings.

Howszit?

Storms coming in later OOOee. Were you at?

OOOee had to make a run up to Hawi to drop off an order of Koa wood to his Aunty Beattie. materials for a new lanai.

Trip from upcountry to Aunty Beattie house on da coast, bout thirty five minutes. give or take.

Wood hadn’t been hard to find, down in da Valley plenty ya, cut da wood himself. dragged it up, out, limb by limb, planning it by hand. earning every penny of dat two large.

Get your business done, then move outta da way.

Aunty had agreed to pay him, couple thousand bucks. chose the wood, long as its no more than two thousand bucks. uh-uh, no more.

Rain ended late afternoon. Sun was out, birds were singing, cool breezes.

Headed home to load the wood in his truck, once done, on the road, 237 Kohola Mountain Highway to his Aunty’s on the northern tip of the Island.

OOOee was headed into madness.

Only he didn’t know it yet.

Bout 7:37 in the pm, pulling into Aunty Bea’s.

Only noise was the wind in the trees and the sound of the surf coming ashore.

They don’t call it paradise for nuthin.

Stepping out her front door stood an Elderly Hawaiian Woman late 60’s early 70’s. smiling, nodding, excitedly clapping her hands together.

The pair settled into chairs in da back. Aunty had outlined the location of where she wanted the lanai. work was scheduled to begin in the morning.

Something troubling you Aunty?

What do you know about Da You Know Who, OOOee?

Local legend had it a creature prowled da beaches and forest at night.

Miss no opportunities ya? Never know, what tomorrow gonna bring.

Maybe tomorrow? Your hair stand on end. maybe fall out on da ground

Just last month, two hikers had disappeared. vanished.

How you not know dat it some haole hippies from Waiks? out there in da valley growing pakalolo? maybe chase outta Hilo by da hui huh?!?

Scratching her chin, Aunty Bea pointed at OOOee.

Found da rental car parked on side of the road. no peoples nowhere.

Hui would’ve take, sold car.

Sides? You no let me finish. Couple days later, Searchers find one of hikers in shock, walking in forest, tell crazy story.

Say he got chased by Christmas tree.

Please Aunty…No More.

Taking a break he and his friend reported seeing something just off trail.

Pointing his flashlight towards the trees he smelled something rotten.

The light shone into da trees eyes. which stretched out its arms towards him.

Chee Hoo!

Brah dropped the light hauling ass down the trail into da tree line. he make it, his friend?…..no make it.

One minute he and his friend were taking a leak, Whistling theme to Andy Griffith, when tree started to move.

When they found him walking in the woods near the highway, he was in shock, wouldn’t speak to nobody, until they led him out to the trail head. then he wouldn’t shut up.

Kept Screaming. We Have To Warn Everybody! We Have To Warn Everybody!

Aunty you saying its Hukai’po?

Shush OOOee.

To speak of it, was thought to curse you.

Tourism board tried to keep a lid on it. Bad for business.

Da truth of it is….Hukai’po were The Night Marchers.

Whistling was said to summon them. Island Spirits that mess you up. maybe forever ya?

Most Locals refused to speak of it. Bring you ‘Ino loa.

Why is it no real proof exists?

Some say they live in tunnels or caves beneath da ground.

The reason no one is able to catch one is…it can disappear.

They’re smarter than us, our mistake is underestimating them. It will be our ultimate undoing.

You either believe strange beasts live among us or you don’t.

After enjoying a nice meal together.

They sat for a while talking. OOOee doing his best to reassure his beloved Aunty.

After they spoke, she went to do the dishes, while he went outside, to break some wind.

OOOee was out back in da dark framing the new lanai when he heard her screams.

Rushing in the backdoor, he saw his Aunty ducking down behind da couch.

Motioning for him to get down, he did just that. scrambling low next to her on da floor.

What’s wrong Aunty?

He’s Here! Out Da Window, I Saw His Eyes, His Hairy Face. Remind me of Uncle LOLO after da fire when dey had to use da skin graph to try to fix da scarring. Remember? grew hair all over his face. look like da woof-man. He’s Here!

Who? Uncle LOLO?

Naw! You Know Who! Biggie Foot, Da Hairy Scary Man! Fuuuuuck. He Real, I Saw Him Wit My Own Eyes.

Calm down Aunty.

Rising and crossing to the window. OOOee cupped his hands on the glass, peering out into the front yard.

His eyes widened, as he dove for cover, the large rock exploding through the picture window, narrowly missing Aunty Bea.

OOOee fell over da couch on da floor smashing the coffee table. he wasn’t sure if, in fact he saw, what he saw.

It had to be at least Eight feet tall, Covered from head to toe in hair. Lobbed that heavy boulder Like It Was Nothing!

Makin noise you don’t want to hear twice in your lifetime.

Deez were sounds, made you close your windows, lock your doors. hide in icebox.

It sounded angry. OOOee didn’t want to ask why. learned long time ago to stay from angry peoples.

Crawling on the floor to da window, he peeked out, in time to see Da Hairy Scary Man tear da mailbox off its post, tucking it under his arm an walking into the woods across da road.

Wait? What? It was real? Aunty was right, saw it wit his own eyes. the things nightmares are made of.

Give you da chicken skin, an da heebie-jeebies. OOOee needed this like a coconut full of bees.

Stepping out the front door of his Aunty’s hale, first looking left and right, then moving slowly into the yard.

Without warning. a large man had come out of a clump of trees. about 50 yards away, sniffing the air like a dog.

I swear he smelled me, Cause it slowly backed into the woods. until I couldn’t see him no more.

OOOee had to know, is this really happening?

Where is dat buggah?

Scanning the tree line across the street, he couldn’t see a thing. so dark you would never know for sure.

He cautiously crossed the road into the woods to look around.

Then he heard it, it was still close.

Only now, Da Howling, Growling and Screaming seemed to be headed in his direction.

OOOee turned and while scrambling back up the trail. glanced over his shoulder.

Something was headed his way, a shape, this shadow…you know who.

Thirty yards away, a pair of yellow glowing eyes in the brush was moving closer.

OOOee stopped, trying to focus on what was coming after him.

Then he smelled it again. Chee Hoo! You Know Who!

The mailbox hit the tree next to where OOOee stood. frozen, unable to move, the terror now only yards away.

He was trapped. heart pounding hard.

The basketball sized rock landed 5 feet to his right, taking out a tree limb sheltering the trails drop-off.

Can’t stay here, RUN!

Reaching the switchback, OOOee skidded to a stop, falling on the ground. another rock sailed overhead narrowly missing its target.

Down the trail, He could see him, still moving in his direction. arms reaching out in front of him.

Those eyes, Those eyes…..What is it?

He ducked for cover, Leaning into a massive boulder in front of him, it began to give way. rolling back down the trails slope, gaining speed on its way downhill. unaware, the shape headed up hill growling. long arms waving, as the rock impacted it, a bright flash enveloped the dark path. once the flash subsided, the shape was gone, disappearing into a flash of light. only the rock continuing downward through the brush on the trail into the valley below.

Hand painted sign stuck in the ground next to the trail read, Kapu. to the locals it means, Forbidden.

Down the embankment OOOee was sliding on the loose ground. surfing it downward out of control to the water below.

As he slide downward he spotted the signage, reaching out with his mighty left hand, grabbing a hold of it to slow his mo. it was no use. full on rock slide is a one way trip ya. non stop.

He came to rest on the valley floor below with various scrapes and cuts. a broken arm, three cracked ribs and a large bump on da noggin.

Grateful to be alive.

Thankfully Aunty had called da police. who, when they showed up, found OOOee on da rocks.

Ambulance took him to the Kohala Hospital in Kapaau. after his injuries were treated, police took his statement down. Once completed. They also spoke with Aunty. The events weighed heavy on them both.

Upon his release. Aunty Bea drove him home to rest, try to piece things together.

She stayed to make sure he was ok. keep her eye on him. Spirit of Ohana is strong here.

Same afternoon, Strange men showed up at his house wearing black suits and sun glasses they wouldn’t take off. refused to show any identification. say they were from the government. also asked questions. like, a lot of questions. telling them, be best if they both keep quiet, to not tell a soul what they saw?

Why? they don’t live here…. who are they to tell us what to do?

Hey Nice Suit Eliot Ness…..phhffft!

Not sure they believed a word of it anyway. doesn’t matter, I guess? if someone tell me a tale like dat, Well, more questions than answers ya?

What was it? Why did it attack? And Where did it go?

Maybe? Dis ting only wants to scare us away, to protect the land, I get that.

Malama Aina.

People are afraid of the unknown, ya know. from the beginning of time. we’ve felt threatened by outsiders.

There are those who say it’s just a myth. Who refuse to believe. Baloney sandwiches they say.

Seen a lot of weird things living on this island. Heard some strange stories too. Not sure what I believe anymore.

What’s out there? Honestly, I don’t really know.

There’s a lot of theory, Island spirits, Interdimensional beings, biggie foot himself?

Don’t want to sound tinfoil hat here, I’m keeping an eye on it, I’ve a feeling something bad is going to happen again.

Will it come back? I better not say.

I believe OOOee.

He doesn’t understand….but he knows.

Monsters live here. He’s seen them, with his own eyes.

Big Island Hairy Scary Man.

Here in the middle of da Pacific Ocean. Its no joke brah.

You come to see what you want to see, You come to see, But you never come to know.

One day you’ll see someone for the very last time.

Better that way, then the other way around.

It wasn’t my first. I have had three before this one.

Technology is a fascinating thing.

I don’t understand a lot of it. the science of how it can help in medicine has always been of interest to me.

I arrived early. the requisite paperwork needing to be filled out.

They ask you for a complete run down of your medical history. allergies, medicines you might be taking. past surgeries, any possible medical devices permanently installed in or on your person. metal specifically I guess? best way to understand it is. you don’t put metal or any foil in a microwave do you? no, you do not. same thing applies here. it messes up the functionality of the machinery.

The paperwork is about two pages. I’d reckon 40-50 questions. needed by them for no other reason than to make you aware of what you need to do, how you need to prepare.

MRI or CT scans come in all different types. all three of the prior ones I’ve had, focused on taking a look-see inside my noggin.

This isn’t some? you got a splinter you can’t get out. it can be serious. hopefully, it can confirm you are ok.

You can’t be treated if they don’t know what’s wrong with you?

Best you can, you put your faith in your doctor and go with the request.

This is done to give them, and your goodself the best look at what might be going wrong?

Maybe? Hopefully? it’s nothing.

Doctors have to cover all the bases and check you out before they assess what is happening inside of you.

The Day arrives.

After you arrive at either the hospital or medical center.

You check in for your appointment.

They ask you your name and your date of birth.

Confirming with you, your Doctor’s name and the specific procedure you are having done.

Then you head to the locker room, where they have you remove your belt, take out your keys and other metal you might be carrying. since they were focusing on my head. I only had to remove my shirt, this was done so they could give me an IV before my procedure. the test being run required that they inject a dye the name of which I could not pronounce.

The IV now in place. I headed into to the room to begin the MRI. Inside is a large circular contraption that is standing on its side. A table or gurney is attached to it.

There you lay on a table. where they position your head inside a brace to hold you steady. you will need to remain still throughout the procedure. some take a few minutes. some take longer. mine was about 45 minutes long.

My technician Lynn was incredibly nice, she answered all my questions prior. making me feel more at ease with what was being done. they’ll ask you if you are claustrophobic. because the machine surrounds you. If you begin to panic. you are wasting your time and theirs. lastly, they’ll place comfortable headphones on you. The MRI is loud when in operation. this will mute the noise, letting the technician communicate with you on the headphones.

So there I was. all prepped, questions answered. IV in. dye injected. noise reduction in place and ready to be slid inside for the MRI

As I looked up at the ceiling two thoughts came into my mind. one was the placement of a portrait of tall trees above me on the ceiling. this is the last image you see before you head inside. The second was a tingling feeling in my feet.

The table I laid on slid slowly inside for the MRI. I followed my instructions, keeping still as possible.

The technicians voice came on my headphones to let me know that we would begin the tests. I would have a series of them some lasting 3 minutes, some lasting 8.

Once inside, I had trouble finding that meditative landscape I so often escape to.

Yeah, yeah, it’s my happy place. Go ahead, poke fun. It works for me.

We hear what we want to hear. life is too short for some questions. things are either revealed to you or they’re not. if they are? Great!

If they’re aren’t? well? nothing you can do about it, so try not to waste too much time on it.

In the end that’s all the counts, all that matters. believe what you will.

After the test…? life might never be the same. life is like that. things change. life changes. sometimes control is no control at all. Just hold your breath, then exhale…and step forward.

The MRI ended, the table I laid on slid out. I sat up and looked at my feet.

They were enormous.

How was I gonna get my shoes back on?

How would I drive home?

How would I explain this to my wife?

I panicked.

I don’t do panicked well, admittedly.

Things get loud and things get busted.

What The….? Look at My Feet? What Did You Do To ME?

A  Mars light began to spin. Loud sirens sounded. My technician Lynn bolted from the room.

WAIT! LYNN?! HOW AM I GONNA GET MY SHOES BACK ON?

I gotta drive home.

I gotta work in the morning.

I reached for the door handle.

Locked!?!

I heard a voice over the intercom.

Mr. Hogan, Are you OK?

No! I’m Not OK! Look At My Feet!

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror on the wall. My face was beet red.

Shit! OK! OK! OK! I want to speak to someone right now! Someone in Charge.

The doors to the room flew open. Guards rushed in holding tazers. “Don’t move!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I Want to Speak with Whoever is in Charrr…

The tazer hit me in my mighty left foot.

I flopped on the floor like a fish out of water.

ZZZZZ! Zap!

The guards pulled me to my feet. restraining me.

I Want My Lawyer!

Calm Down. A voice said over the intercom.

Calm down? Calm DOWN! Look at My Feet. Look at My Face! You Calm Down! Next guy who shoots me with a tazer is gonna regret it.

A Man and Woman wearing lab coats entered the room, The Man held a clipboard. they immediately began speaking in low tones to each other.

After a brief discussion, they looked at my feet, then up at me.

Mr Hogan. I’m Doctor Leake. This is Professor Funt. The woman nodded to me. We’re here to help you.

Is that why you shot me with the stun gun?

That was an accident.

A regrettable mistake to be sure.

Mr Hogan, we are going to remove your restraints. Can we count on you to remain calm?

Get these things off! What the hell is wrong with me? What did you do to me?

Please, if you can’t remain calm…

The Professor nodded to a guard who took off the cuffs.

I’m calm. calmer than you are.

Mr Hogan, have you recently had an encounter with a being not of this earth.

You mean the Squirrel? Yeah, I know him. I mean, I’ve seen him. Couple times. He’s not from another world? Is he?

Squirrel?

Nevermind.

Have you begun to have dreams and exhibit behavior for which you cannot account for?

Boogie man been paying me a visit lately. But I’ve been dreaming about him since I was a kid. He’s not very fast. so I always get away or wake up. What’s this have to do with my face and feet?

Sir we want to help you, but you need to sit down and let us examine you.

I’d heard enough.

I kept asking questions to which I was getting no answers.

The exit was a mere few feet away.

It was now or never.

I yelled “Look Out!” Pointing to the back wall.

Works every time.

The minute they turned to look?

I bolted for the door.

In the hallway. I ran headfirst into an older woman who screamed at me.

I pushed past her.

Outta My Way Grandma!

I kept running through double doors marked Lab.

Inside the room, an operating table. people were dressed in scrubs, everyone’s face covered in a surgical mask. all eyes turned towards me.

I ran back out.

Someone yelled Hey You!

In the Hall, Three more people ran by me with massive feet?

A young woman shouted.

C’mon This Way!

I fell right in step with them.

Our Feet on the cold floors made a loud slapping sound.

We sounded like a team full of flat footed basketball players running the floor in an empty gym.

Three guards rounded the corner of the hallway.

Let’s Go!

One of the three, whose name I found out later was Knut dove head first out a 2nd story window.

Without questioning, the other two followed.

The sun had just gone down.

I looked out and saw them rolling in the grass below.

The doors to a van opened and a woman and a boy jumped out. yelling DAD!

Knut hugged his son. everyone climbed into the van.

The woman in the passenger seat looked up at me and said. Come with Us, It’s your only chance.

So…..I jumped. thankfully I didn’t break anything.

I dove in the back of the van.

They slammed the door and the kid driving punched the gas pedal.

We sped out of the medical center parking lot.

Looking at the others in the van you couldn’t help but notice, our giant feet and red faces.

Still out of breath, Knut hugged his wife. And put his hand on his son’s shoulder.

The rest of us were struggling to get more room. It was tight inside the van and had a really funky smell.

I asked them to let me out at the next corner.

The kid looked at his dad.

You could be a bit more grateful you know? Knut said.

No one else said a word.

I kept quiet. I had no idea who these people were.

We drove for a bit, making sure we weren’t being followed. satisfied, we turned down a dirt road. the kid killed the lights and pulled over.

Knut got out.

I was as confused as I’d ever been in my life.

And Manny? I’ve been confused a lot.

Can someone tell me what’s happening? I went in for an MRI?

So did we.

Who are you? what did they do to us?

They lied to you. they lied to all of us.

The third man who extended his hand introduced himself as Tom.

This is Sally, Knut you’ve met.

The woman extended her hand.

I looked at her feet. Umm.

And she glanced at mine. Yeah….

Bunch of army types. Kept us locked in cages. Cameras on us. guards watching us round the clock. We’re Guinea Pigs! Nothing more.

Heard a couple of guards talking last night. Some kinda experiment. Testing some vaccine. We weren’t suppose to get out. Knut here smashed a guard in the face with his food tray, We grabbed his keys and made a run for it.”

As I was talking to Tom and Sally.

Knut came over and said we needed to spilt up. He was taking the van and heading to Canada.

The rest of us? Would have to fend for ourselves.

What about my wife? Surely they have contacted her. Do I dare try to reach her? Are the phones safe? What if somebody’s watching our house?

Knut had to go. We shook hands, wished each other luck. And they left.

The three of us stood in the road watching the vans tail lights fade from view.

I think Knut is right. We need to spilt up. One of us needs to get to a newspaper or someplace with internet access.

Screw the internet. I want to talk to someone and find out if they can correct this?

Look? people disappear all the time. Best get it on the web first.

North is taken. I’ll head east. Sally?

South, I guess? Right…..now?

Yeah, our best chance to get some help. We can’t hide forever like this.

I said, I’d head west. Although that was BS. I was heading home. Who knows what the hell they told our families? Maybe I’ll call from the corner. Make sure the coast is clear.

We shook hands and set off into the woods.

Overhead helicopters circled. I could hear loudspeakers.

They had someone. Maybe both of them cornered?

I kept moving, fast as I could, given the circumstances.

They caught me climbing a fence on the highway. There was nowhere to run.

You’d think with big feet I’d be able to run faster?

I was put into a helicopter and flown back to the medical center where I was put into a cage.

Back where I started from.

The next morning.

I woke up and my feet were back to their normal size.

Whatever they did to us? was temporary.

I was interviewed by a mysterious man in a black suit, after which I was given paperwork to sign.

I was told if I signed? and kept my mouth shut? I could go home.

If I ever divulged any piece of what happened? I would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

I have no proof this ever happened. No paperwork, photos. nothing. Just a piece of paper with a phone number that’s been disconnected.

I had no case. no one believed a word I said.

Not my family, my friends, not even my doctor who had ordered the test to begin with.

Something about the man’s tone, told me it was best for me and my family to keep quiet.

The man in the black suit had disappeared. Like he never existed.

Numerous attempts were made to contact someone, anyone, who could give me answers.

I tried locating the others, to no avail, all I ever had was their first names.

My Doctor tells me he has no knowledge of what transpired the day of my test? they claim I was a no show. informing me, I would be required to pay for the missed appointment.

There is no record of any technician named Lynn working at the medical center. No Doctor Leake or Professor Funt on the buildings staff directory. No one had ever heard of any mysterious man in a black suit. nor did they employ any security guards with tazers?

All I got? was the run around.

I couldn’t get any help, no information.

To this day, the government refuses to acknowledge anything of the experiment I underwent.

Why talk now you ask?

Well? I decided to come forward mostly to warn people.

We are cattle, people take advantage of our nature. Our belief that we’re all in this together.

Take this story to heart.

I have a feeling I’m being followed.

I think my phone is bugged.

The people I thought I could count on? Have urged me to let it go. To quit goofing around.

Thankfully the neighbors dog still listens to me. He’s not much help mind you? But it’s good to have someone to talk to.

We speak every night, and sometimes in the morning at the fence after he’s done his business.

I’m not sure what my next step is?

I haven’t gotten any results back from the MRI I took. my doctor claims I never took it, and that we need to reschedule.

I don’t relish the notion I have to go back to do it again.

Would you?

My doctor tells me they still don’t know what’s wrong?

Apparently? he wants more tests done.

What can you do?

You get the tests done right?

What’s the alternative?

Cross your fingers, Hope for the best?

This is my life we’re talking about.

Without your health you have nothing.

The man in the black suit is a worthy adversary.

If you see or meet him?

Act accordingly.

Noises in the back yard.

Whispering. couldn’t make it out.

Last winter something broke into our shed and ate a bag of sand.

Unusual things were happening.

People behaving oddly.

This was familiar. I’d seen this kind of thing before.

I was suspicious, green-eyed, uptight and ornery. Doesn’t take much to get me riled.

Did I mention someone or something ate a bag of sand out of our shed?

Strangers appear at our door. a man and woman.

Asking me if I accept Jesus Christ as my savior? Looking left, then right. I slowly step outside onto our porch.

Who are these two characters?

They appeared to be alone?

One can never tell, can one?

I grab the man by the lapel of his suit.

Shouting,

WHO SENT YOU!

His eyes widened, his female companion backed away cautiously.

Why? Jesus Did. the man said.

OKAY. Good Answer, Good Answer.

I release him. helping to straighten his coat, brushing lint off his shoulder.

You think you could come back next week? I have sinned repeatedly today and I am in desperate need of a shower.” I said winking at him.

The man looked down and away, moving to where the woman now stood in a defensive posture on our front lawn.

A word of caution my friends. be careful, the house next to mine has some bad hombres living in it. if I were you sir? I would not let the woman approach the door. their teenage boys will surely tear through her like locust. let her wait the next one out in the car.

The man nodded.

The woman, balled up her fists ready to tussle if necessary.

Neither appeared to be intoxicated or concealing a weapon. was the lord truly what they wanted?

I thanked both of them politely for stopping by. finally reassuring, discreetly. so they would know. and not worry.

I have nothing but good intentions. should you try to tell anyone differently? well? No one will ever believe you.

Maybe they were up to something? I had good reason to be cautious.

Suspicious visitors, curfew violators and backyard fornicators have me in a heightened state of alert.

I would stand watch tonight in the garage with a shovel. anyone who thinks they can infiltrate our security perimeter. Is in for a surprise.

3 AM.

I wedge a chair up against the garage door and go to bed.

Not sure how long I slept. wasn’t long.

Was that the doorbell?

What time is it?

I look over at my wife who is sound asleep.

Suddenly.

Bright light fills the room from our window outside. I hold my arm up to shield my eyes.

Shadows move in the backyard. the glass to our backdoor shatters.

Something is in the house.

Whispering.

Floors creak. then stop. in the hall, outside our bedroom. whispering.

Our bedroom door opened. I couldn’t move. the fear. paralyzed me.

Something throwing shapes entered the room.

Next to the bed. it moved into view. 4 feet tall, pale, almost translucent skin. head too big for its body. small mouth. big old creepy fish eyes with long skinny arms and Nosferatu crablike fingers.

Rolling his large fish eyes at me, Johnny Fishbone slapped his noggin with his creepy little crab leg fingers. trying to communicate.

I couldn’t make out a gurgle.

The visitor pointed to the window. then at the ceiling, then turned to the bed.

It didn’t look like he wanted to be pals.

Staring into my mind. I could hear it’s thought’s.

The Shrimp , Crab And Lobster you so love to eat? They’re beings from my world. we came here many years ago. seeking refuge. settling in your oceans. never meaning you any harm. yet? you hunt us for food. we left our planet to preserve our species. we asked only for a place to be safe. to live and raise our young. instead you cover us with hot butter and lemons, cocktail and tartar sauces. serve us as appetizers to fat people who could afford to skip a meal.

Your Doctors warn you that eating us will give you high cholesterol which leads in some instances to early death in adults. matters not. you just keep shoveling it in. Shell Fish as you call us. can’t you hear us scream when you cook and kill us? We obviously underestimated the numbers who would find us delicious. in hindsight we should have been more careful, we thought the oceans would be safe. until your fishing industries became more relentless. tell your leaders. to stop now. before we are forced to defend ourselves.

He waved his left hand in front of my face.

Then it was over.

Johnny Fishbone vanished. his bright light was gone.

Darkness returned. along with it silence.

I wanted to wake my wife, take her in my arms, look into her eyes and tell her everything was going to be alright.

I chose to let her sleep, she looked so peaceful. I would tell her in the morning.

There would be no sleep for me until I knew we were safe. I went back out into the garage and stood guard until sunrise.

Look to the skies. imagine what’s out there.

Now? imagine that one day, it shows up, breaks into your house and tells you how it’s gonna be going forward.

Hopefully? you’ll just get a lecture. a word of warning from Johnny Fishcakes.

Why Me? Why did he choose me to deliver this message? who are my leaders anyway? are they in the phonebook? will they pick up the phone if I call? what if I get the answering machine?

Do I enjoy those Shrimp, Crab and Lobster delicacies? wellll? yeah.

I’m suppose to speak out for Johnny Fishsticks and his tasty little friends?

Somethings coming. something with an agenda.

Do this, don’t do that, act this way and not that way. listen to this and listen to that. you should do this and you shouldn’t do that. this is how you should be, how you should do things. I have the answers you need. know it alls. some wearing overalls, clipboards in hand, looking to have you take a stand. do you have a minute? no? well then? I’ll come back later.

Lock your windows. Do not answer the door.

Take precautions.

Was that the doorbell? At this hour?

This is it.

I found it in the road, I didn’t know it fed on native birds and turtles? I didn’t know it was a hazard for children and pets? these things can rip through coconut husk like its butter. and will mess up your garden or lawn. 

-Professor Hugh Biquitis-

University of Hawaii 1977 Journal of Science.

___________________________________________________________

March 2015.

All hell was about to break loose on the Big Island of Hawaii.

Lives would be changed forever.

It started out like every other day in paradise. trade winds, sunshine, wit da waves rolling in.

OOOee Mano was on the lanai of his house upcountry in Waimea, when he heard it come on the radio.

Strange goings on.

The report told of a truck over turned on highway 19 coming down from Waimea. The driver identified as Justin Casey Bolts of Kona has disappeared without a trace.

Officers first on the scene discovered someone or something had cut a hole from inside and escaped.

According to its owner, the truck was transporting animals to a zoo exhibit at the Waikoloa Hilton. many of the animals and sea creatures are missing, having possibly escaped? those that haven’t, are either in no condition to give a statement. or can’t because they’re tropical birds and sea creatures and shit.

Inspection of the inside of the truck revealed carnage, in both the cab and in the back where the cages and water tanks were located. a brawl appears to have been fought here.

But who started it?  what happened to the participants? No one’s talking.

Those who have lived through an attack by a Coconut Crab or Crab’s will tell ya.

They’re Very Strong, Incredibly Ill Tempered. Originally from Micronesia. They posses a massive Stomach. It’s Pinchers are almost as big as your arm.

Brah? you get in its way? it hurt you bad. mess you up.

The Coconut Crab is a definite anti-social type. known to snap off fingers and indiscriminate to do some serious damage elsewhere.

OOOee was driving a cargo van that night bringing Snack cakes and Yoo-Hoo to The Kings and Queens Shops on the Kohala Coast.

Coming down the mountain on Highway 19 about an hour past sunset.

While rounding a turn, the crab attacked. its massive claw reached out and latched onto the back bumper of the van pulling itself aboard, cutting a hole and climbing inside.

Listening to his music and thinking about this and that. OOOee had no idea what was creepin about inside the back of his van.

Locked up long enough, this was one angry crab. bent on doing some bad.

The Coconut Crab burst inside the cab and started snapping his massive claw at OOOee. Who did what anyone would when faced with a Hideous Creature ready to do you harm. he hit it repeatedly with a wrench really hard. screaming like a little schoolgirl, he fainted. driving off the side of the road down the steep embankment. The Van smashed through the lava rocks and various scrub bushes coming to a violent halt landing in an old lava tube.

Lucky for OOOee this lava tube was an old flow. and not the new lava that flowed on the other side of the island.

The vans drivers door was wedged in between the lava rock. it wouldn’t open. OOOee released his seatbelt climbing out the window.

The Beast was thrown through the windshield as the van came to rest in the lava tube.

OOOee didn’t stop to wait and see if it was ok? OK? he turned and ran for his life, scrambling up the embankment towards the road above.

Coconut Crab was in Hot Pursuit. growling and covered in snack cakes and broken bottles of Yoo-Hoo.

Making it back to the main road. No streetlights, gas stations, Nothing, but….darkness.

When night falls on the island. you can’t see your hand in front of your face. only thing to do is head down the road and hope a car or truck comes by. and, that they stop.

Car headlights approached at a high rate of speed.

OOOee frantically waved his arms. it swerved narrowly missing him. continuing on tail lights disappearing over the next rise.

The growling began to get louder, and Louder.

What is that thing?

Another set of headlights in the distance.

Stepping onto the roadway. he could hear loud music and a woman’s screaming as the car locked up its brakes.

OOOee stood terrified in the oncoming lane. the driver yelled out the window,  Are You Crazy?!?

A young couple most likely on their honeymoon far away from whatever place they called home. the lady was straddling the man in the front seat. These two were definitely not observing the rules of the road in any country.

OOOee pleaded, You Gotta Help Me, Something Is After Me!

The girl in the car reached for her shorts on the passenger seat trying to cover herself up, yelling at her new husband.

Donny! Don’t Stop!

Honey, this man needs our help. can’t you wait til we get back to the room? or at least until we drop him off?

She screamed louder…..What?!? NO! Not That. Let’s Get Out Of Here. I’m Scared…

The Crab Leaped over the embankment through the open passenger window of the stopped car.

OOOee ran. he couldn’t see a thing. looking back over his shoulder he heard the voices of the young man and woman screaming. the cars suspension rocking back and forth violently until it slowly stopped.

All you could hear now was the surf below coming ashore.

Growling.

What is That?

The Crab was headed his way.

I was supposed to have the day off.

He kept moving.

Quarter mile up the highway, OOOee took a louie down a side road that led to a restricted section of land used by the army as training grounds during World War II. the area is littered with unexploded bombs and other munitions that have yet to be cleaned up. multiple pleas from locals to the U.S Government have gone unanswered. Feral dogs run loose in the area occasionally stepping on and detonating old ordinance. its extremely dangerous. Security fences surround the land blocking the public from entering.

Keep Out.

U.S. Army Property.

He climbed over the fence to the property.

Maybe? someone would be on guard? watching the place? maybe they had a phone?

OOOee didn’t. he left his phone in the truck. $#%T!

The place was quiet, no sign of a guard or guard-house anywhere. Large holes pockmarked the ground. Enormous impact craters surrounded him.

Maybe I can hide in one of these and wait it out until daylight? he thought.

The fence rattled. he stopped moving, listening. just the breeze. quiet……

The fence rattled again….

Low growling at first, grew louder. this was a different sound.

A feral dog approached baring its teeth. inching closer to OOOee.

The dog never saw the crab until it was too late. knocking it flat. the hound had…had it.

OOOee ducked his head below the rim of the crater he was in. holding his breath. had it seen me?

What is that thing?

The crab did indeed see him. it started to growl. stepping forward placing its leg directly on top of an unexploded munition. until….the munition, exploded. the concussion of the blast set off countless other old bombs and munition on the grounds. the night sky glowed. The crab was blown to bits.

Help came pretty quick as the blasts were heard up in Upcountry. 

The Police along with Army Officers from Pohakuloa Training Area showed up to interrogate OOOee. Satisfied. OOOee was then taken to the hospital treated and released.

He ended up being a hero to the locals. currently the area is slated to get the ok for development of 5 homestead communities that are located within two sections of the Big Island that OOOee helped clear by accidentally luring the crab onto the private property. The sections cover about 100,000 acres.

The crab pushed its luck too far. should have headed out to sea and left well enough alone. but no? it had to push it. Messed wit da wrong Hawaiian.

Sometimes you eat the OOOee. Sometimes, the OOOee eats you.

How did dat ting get loose? everyone wanted to know.

Turns out when the driver of the truck stopped for a burger in Waimea. Some Eco-Extremist-Conservationists later identified as Yutov Moore, Ahmad Dogg, Sue Flay, Helen Bedd and Dawn Sara Lee Light broke into the parked truck and tried to release all of the animals. they were successful getting inside. beginning to open the cages and water tanks, until the driver appeared. scaring them off before they had completed their mission. unaware of this, he drove off.

Mass hysteria immediately ensued inside, critters and creatures of the sea and the air began to rip each other to shreds on the road down from Waimea to Waikoloa. Mayhem eventually smashed into the cab. the driver fought for his life and lost. being consumed by several of the larger creatures including the Coconut Crab. setting in motion the colossal struggle witnessed today on the Big Island of Hawaii.

As for OOOee? No Worries Brah, He Da King of Da Big Island, Island Royalty. if only for today? that’s cool wit OOOee. he’s just happy to be home. sitting in his chair, cold drink in hand, enjoying cool breezes.

Wit not a care in the world.

Today I am Colonel Pineapple. Yesterday I was Captain Coconut. But I got promoted.

Listening to his music and thinking about this and that.

The only appropriate emotion is gratitude.

We shook hands. he introduced himself. then invited me to sit down and make myself comfortable. I had never been to the fortune teller. I was given the gift of a visit by my friend Ann who told me the guy was incredible. “You’ve got to go, he will freak you out. make sure you bring a tape recorder, he talks fast and gives you lots of information to digest.”

I’ll bet. I thought.

An estimated 15 percent of Americans have visited a psychic for advice. The Intuitive profession is on the rise following the economic downturn.

When the talk rolls around to Psychics and Mystics and Gypsy Women and those other seeyers and soothsayers who claim to be able to see the future? I am an admitted skeptic.

I’ve seen the neon signs. have your future read. palm reader, tarot cards. look into the beyond. I believe that these people are scam artists. taking the money of people who are weak minded. the gullible who believe in this type of stuff. the mentally unstable, The I just know there is someone out there who can help me? who can contact the dead. Maybe tell me how my Dad is doing? or my Mom? What about my dog Mick who died? is he pissed that we buried him in the backyard and then moved out of our house four years later?

There are people who have suffered traumatic life events and haven’t been able to figure it out. what am I suppose to do now? who’s going to show me the way? most of us are capable of finding our own ways. plotting our own courses. we don’t need some woman with a crystal ball or man in a turban with a pendant of an eye hanging from his neck who tells us what’s going to happen? Your Uncle wants to speak to you. Wait just a second? My Uncle? What? He barely said three words to me the whole time he was alive? bunch of phony baloney.

Until I met Donny When?

I was a little surprised. given his name I just assumed he was Asian. Donny When? sounded Asian to me. so I was surprised when I walked into his office and found a man about 5′ 7″with a 1960’s Beatles Haircut dressed in a oxford shirt and dress pants. Donny took a seat behind his desk. he told me that the length of my visit was an hour long. If I wanted to tape my visit? I could. I turned on my mini tape recorder, I had brought at my friends recommendation.

Donny explained to me that he didn’t consult a crystal ball.

He was a Voice Natural Direct Sensitive in Voice Recognition, Telepathy and Precognition. My session would include past, present and future events. The reading I was about to get was based on voice recognition. that he would be able to answer my questions about personal relationships, careers, buying or selling a house, lost items, jobs, affairs of the heart, financial outlook, or any question I may have. he would do so just by hearing the sound of my voice.

He told me that he has always had this ability, that it is always on. and that he can’t turn it off. that when he hears people talk, he see’s pictures and words that tell him not only who the people are, but what’s going on in their lives.

Donny asked me if I was ready? I nodded I was. “let’s begin then.” he didn’t close his eyes and put his hand to his temple and exhibit the signs of a man going into some kind of trance. he simply asked me to tell him a little about myself. what was it that brought me here? all I could think of was, C’mon Pal? you mean? you don’t know why I’m here? I gave him a brief explanation. I kept it short and sweet. I did talk with him on the telephone briefly prior to our visit, he instructed me to compile a list of questions I wanted to ask him and receive information on.

I had lost my brother to a drug overdose a few years prior. I asked, “I want to know more about my Brother’s death?” Donny told me that my brother’s death was an accident. that no one else had a hand in it. he didn’t kill himself intentionally. And that he didn’t want to die. that I shouldn’t think anything else. then, he said something strange. Donny told me that my brother was ok. that he doesn’t want me or my sister to worry about him anymore. he is at peace. that he misses us, wants us to go on with our lives and not to worry about him. 3 years had passed since his death, it was still hard to hear someone talk about him. after a moment I composed myself. looked at Donny and asked him. “How did you know I had a sister?”

I never mentioned to him that I did.

Perhaps? these guys do a little research prior to your visit? to drop information on you that would make you buy into what they were selling? smiling at me. I don’t want you to worry about your sister. she is going to be fine. you don’t need to worry about her. despite her problems. she would be fine and not require any assistance from you. she was perfectly capable of taking care of herself physically and financially. you need to focus on you. stop all your worrying. wait a second? the information was coming at me too fast. my sister would be ok? a relief to be sure, if? that is, I bought into all this bunk.

“What else do you want to ask me?” I wanted him to tell me something that would prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that he did have some sort of power to see things.

“Donny? can you tell me what I’m thinking?” he said he didn’t work like that. that when the person he talks to speaks? he can see images and hears words that inform him about that person.

OK then? I asked one of the questions that all of us want to know. “Will I find love?” Donny looked back across the desk at me and told me. “Yes, you will, but before you find that love? you need to be receptive to it. to be open to it. otherwise it could present you with problems.” “Who’s not receptive to love or being in love?” I asked.

“What I mean is? that if you aren’t honest with women? you will encounter difficulties.” he responded.

“Ok, what if? I just got out of a long term relationship. what if I’m not looking to settle down yet? what’s wrong with looking for a little companionship?” “It’s understandable if you don’t want to get into anything long term after your divorce. if you’ll remember, part of the problem with your former wife was that you both stopped being honest with each other. it’s simple really, don’t repeat the mistake is all I’m saying.”

“I don’t recall telling you I was married?” Donny looked at me smiled and shrugged.

My mind raced, ok, maybe he has some database that he checks to get information on people. family history, criminal history. then he looks it over prior to your visit and drops the hook with the bait on you. so? he knew I had a sister. so? he knew I was divorced. I just need to ask more specific questions.

“Will I ever be wealthy?”

Donny said “Usually people ask me that first. then they want to know about finding love. and lastly their loved ones. I applaud you for not asking me that question first. it speaks to your character. I know for you, the most important things in your life are the people you love. while that will sometimes get you into trouble, if you stick to these beliefs you will have a great life. if you don’t? expect complications. as for your wealth? it can be defined in many ways.”

“Ok, Ok I got it. Donny? will I make a lot of money? will I make a whole lot of money? will I ever need to worry about my finances again?”

He sat back in his chair. I leaned forward. “Yes.” he said.

I clapped my hands together. “Wait? Yes what? Yes, I will make a lot of money? or Yes, I will need to worry about my finances?” I asked. “Yes you will make a lot of money. but not in the way you expect. your wealth will come to you in a most unexpected way. it will be of your own making. you won’t marry into it. you won’t hit the lottery, you won’t fall into a large inheritance. you will earn it.”

“How?!? How does it happen? what do I do to get started?” I pleaded. “That is something you will have to find out yourself. I don’t operate like that. I don’t have winning lottery numbers to give you. I don’t give out advice on how to make money. all I can tell you is that you will make a lot of money. lots of it as a matter of fact.” “Can you see when?” “No I can’t.”

“Tell me more about finding Love.”

The hour went by fast. I’m glad I taped the appointment. there would be much to learn from replaying it.

I thanked Donny for his time, we shook hands and I left.

Walking to my car, I wondered. can this guy be on the level? no way this guy or anyone else can predict the future. can they? just because something hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean that it won’t? maybe it will happen tomorrow, or the next day or the next? still? is that anyway to go through your life? wondering when the Fortune tellers predictions would come through? What role if any does fate play into all of this? how did he know so many details of my life? was I wrong all along?

I went home and replayed the recording of my hour with Donny When.

I met my friend Ann who paid for my visit for dinner that evening. “So?” she asked me excitedly? “what did he tell you?”

I smiled at her. “Are you sure you didn’t tell Donny anything about me when you set up my visit?”

“No, why? What did he say?” she asked,

“Well? it was an interesting hour. he told me my brother’s overdose was an accident, that he didn’t mean to kill himself. he told me that my parents and my old dog were fine. he told me that I would make a lot of money in my life. and he told me about you.”

“What?!?” she said. “He told me about you. how you feel about me.” I told her. she looked down and got quiet. softly she asked, “what did he say about me?” “You mean about us…don’t you? Well? he told me that the reason that you wanted me to go see him so badly was because you had feelings for me.” “No he didn’t.” she said.

“Ann? Is there something you’d like to tell me?

She looked at me. looked away, then back. “I love you.”

I know, Donny told me. why didn’t you say anything? I asked.

“I was afraid if I did and you didn’t feel the same then this would be….”

“Over?” I finished.

“Yes, I don’t want to lose you. you’re the best friend I have. I don’t want to….”

“…Ann you’re not going to lose me. why didn’t you tell me?” I took her hand in mine. You know I’ve been reluctant to get into anything serious with a woman? after my marriage ended. I didn’t know what I wanted. I told you I dated a lot. when I look back at it? I wanted to punish the women I dated, make them hurt. just like I’d been hurt. I broke off every relationship I had badly. if they said something, or did something I didn’t like? Get Lost. I don’t need you. I was an asshole. I can’t change who I was. Some of the relationships I had? were great for a while. All I wanted was to get laid and have some fun. having a woman in my life was the farthest thing from my mind. that was then. I don’t feel like that anymore. I don’t have a crystal ball. can’t see into the future like Donny When claims to. I know when I’m with you…I feel good. I know…I like spending time with you. I know, I love you too. I’m so sorry if I scared you into not being able to share your feelings with me.”

“What else did he tell you?”

“He told me that you wanted to take me home, tear off my clothes and throw me on the bed.” I told her.

“No he didn’t!”

“No. No he didn’t. he told me the secret to love was to be honest. not to fall into the same habits. he also told me that you had an interesting collection of lingerie. and would like to model some of it for me.”

She laughed, “perhaps? let’s see how the rest of the night goes first. ok?”

“Do you really think I’m like a metronome on a piano? That my moods swing either this way or that way. that if I could just find a middle ground.”

“Shut up and kiss me.” she said. So? I did.

Thank You Donny.