Irish | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do / Irish | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do

Characters

Tommy Doyle, mid-sixties

Jimmy O’Leary, mid-sixties

Place 

Pub in Ireland.

As the evening sun goes down.

Two men sit at a table, coupla pints between em.

Jimmy Who found him?

Tommy Da Kelly widah. on da side of the road.

Jimmy Was he already gone already when she got to him?

Tommy Dead as a dodo.

Jimmy Tis Fierce Warm.

Tommy It’s Fierce Early. Ya?

Jimmy Aiye.

Tommy I was going to mow the lawn today. Maybe I’ll just wait until it burns?

Jimmy Ders no sign or notice of Muldoon’s funeral. Are they incinerating him?

Tommy Dunno.

Jimmy Would ya be buried or burnt?

Tommy Buried.

Jimmy Why’s tha?

Tommy What iffa we find hundreds of years from now, some advanced Alien race comes to Ireland ta resurrect those poor old souls whose lives were cut short too soon?

Jimmy How’ll they do tha?

Tommy Dunno? Der intelligence has to be far superior to ar’s.. My point is…iffing yar burnt, they have nothing to work with, do they now?

Jimmy Hundreds of years being buried? what’s left of ya to work with anyways?

Tommy Dunno? old bones mostly. Shar, they’re still pulling up dinosaurs bones n’ mummies from time to time.

Jimmy Dinosaurs? Ya fooking Eegit. Why is it them aliens haven’t resurrected the dinosaurs or mummies yet then?

Tommy Dunno? Perhaps they have a reason? Upsets the natural balance of things. Could happen. who knows wha’s out there? certainly something smarter.

Jimmy Well? Ol Muldoon wouldn’t be first choice to be bringin back now would he? He wouldn’t give ya da itch if he had twenty bags of it.

Tommy Ar ya goin to da mass.

Jimmy Shar, Shar.

Tommy  Even wit da guitars?

Jimmy The day they let the guitar in the mass was a bitter day for us all.

Tommy ‘Twas.

Jimmy What was da name of da nun when we were lads?

Tommy Ehh? Sister?…eh…Sister? Sister……Placenta!

Jimmy Placenta? No you!  Ya eegit. She had bad eyes. Wan lookin at ya, and wan lookin for ya. Use to fall asleep in class. Narcoleptic.

Tommy Was it Sister Innocenta?

Jimmy Innocenta…..That’s her!

Tommy I threw an eraser at her wan time when she went inta her trance. Tree months cleaning da blackboards as punishment. She had it in for me.

Jimmy They all had it in for yas.

Tommy A wild size of a woman. She couldn’t clap hands. She was that fat. Use to hit herself in da side a da face with her wan hand.

Jimmy I can smell the rain coming. Shame about Muldoon. Don’t like the idea he was alone.

Tommy Ah, Here. We all go dat way.

Jimmy On da side a da road?

Tommy Alone…..ya eegit.

Jimmy Will da brother be coming in for the funeral?

Tommy Doubtful? he’s in Iceland.

Jimmy Iceland Ya?

Tommy Got himself a job milking polar bears in Reykjavik.

Jimmy Hows tha?

Tommy For the zoo ya EE-git. He’s not doing it for kicks. He’s helping with the breeding of em.

Jimmy Wha?!? Breeding em?

Tommy Assisting….he’s not…..look…stop saying tha…….Jaysus!

Jimmy It’s none of me business wha he’s doin. I Just Hope he’s being careful?

Tommy Last time I saw Muldoon. He had a big ol hearing aid on. I’d swear it had a diesel engine on it. you’d want good hearing to hear through that fucker.

Jimmy His Maam and Da ar long since gone. is der any other family?

Tommy Sister named Sharon? awful tongue in her head. The family was blighted. Ahh Poor Ol Muldoon, He was a man you don’t meet everyday.

Jimmy Knew exactly how many grains in a bushel of wheat.

Tommy A well known agitator. Was proud to call him my friend.

Jimmy He couldn’t stand the sight of ya.

Tommy There’s the rain now. That’ll keep the dust down.

Jimmy It’ll be as wet as a duck’s foot soon.

Tommy Damp as an otters pocket.

Jimmy Passed a wild pile of wimman on da way over.

Tommy Wha’s that?

Jimmy Wimman I said. didn’t spare the varnish either. Had he been ill?

Tommy Who?

Jimmy Who? Muldoon!

Tommy Looked healthy to me, who can tell? feeling awright one minute, eternally resting on da side of da road da next.

Jimmy Aiye. until they come to collect ya.

Tommy ‘Tis awful, poor ol Muldoon. I’ll miss him.

Jimmy What about his former Missus?

Tommy Moved to Galway. Muldoon told me she blamed him for not getting her pregnant. never could accept that it was her that prevented them from having wee wans.

Jimmy So?

Tommy So? She left him. Fell in love with some professor fella, moved to Galway where they live today wit der 2 adopted children.

Jimmy ‘Tis Awful.

Tommy Destroyed him. takin to the drink fierce. Renouncing the church, after they found him to be at fault by the tribunal hearing da annulment.

Jimmy Wha? Is that all then?

Tommy It is.

Jimmy Jaysus.

Tommy You’ll remember? Ol Muldoon didn’t work t’all.  4-5 years ’twas. And him not on the dole? Fierce proud man. Wouldn’t accept any charity. His Mrs had enough of em. What, Wit da fertility issues and him not workin? provided just the out with da church allowing her to remarry.

Jimmy Poor Ol Muldoon.

Tommy Ah well? he got over it. was quite popular with the ladies for a time.

Jimmy Aiye Ol Muldoon…..find a clitoris in a haystack.

Tommy Not anymore.

Jimmy No, Never no more.

Tommy I’d like to find a clitoris. doesn’t have to be in a haystack either. have ya seen any about?

Jimmy I told yas, wild pack of em. headed this way. fix yer face princess.

Tommy I Wish he was here, I’ll miss him.

Jimmy Aiye, I will as well.

Tommy Poor ol Muldoon. Gave her everything he could for as long as he could. Til he had nothing left ta give her. right big sap, the sacred vows meant nothing. Sad, Never liked her.

Jimmy She felt da same way bout ya.

Tommy Wha’s tha?

Jimmy Sad I said.

Tommy Aiye.

Jimmy Well? best be gettin home then. Cowld as an eskimos arse out.

Tommy It’s as cowld as a ministers visit.

Jimmy Cowld as a trouts hole.

Tommy Cowld as a hoors heart.

Jimmy Goodnight to ya. Go right home ya squint.

Tommy Where else?

Jimmy Stay off da side of da road.

Tommy Words to live by.

About a year ago a man moved into our community from Ireland.

His wife had passed away back home, he woke up one morning, alone.

Searching for something to give his life meaning again. to show us all that he still had something to oooffer it.

A Purpose. in a new land by God!

Phone’s ringing.

America was calling.  And he would answer it’s call.

“Wha? Who is this? I’ll be right over.”

When I first met him at a neighborhood party he told me he moved here because He and his Mrs. had always wanted to see America.

She’d have wanted him to go on some grand adventure.

He had mourned her passing long enough. he knew now as well as any, that we’re all running out of time.

How do you want to go out? doing good or doing bad. that’s the choice really in the end.

I tried to explain to him that our village already had a police force.

That he couldn’t just establish Himself as Sheriff.

The local police force had things covered.

He disagreed, His mind was made up.

He wanted to give something back. so began his campaign for sheriff.

His request to speak to our village board at an open forum was granted.

“Howareyas,

I would like to take this time to announce my candidacy for Sheriff.

As the fella says. I’m officially offering my services to you good people.

I am ready to faithfully serve the village at large as your sheriff.

It’s high time we take a look to see if maybe establishing a position would be a good thing in this age of no manners. 

That said now, I would be willing to make sure a few quid might find their way to the right people for some assistance from time to time.

No questions asked. nothing illegal, you see? really. nothing you would likely do time for? I think? no questions asked, Eh?

I think it would be just grand, to be like Fife was in Mayberry.

Ah that one. Was just as likely to shoot himself in the foot as yours.

Cagey, that one. kept you on your feet all the time.

Mad Genius he was.

I also need to find a dog I can sick on potential criminal types lurking in the park at night.

Should anyone of yas know someone with a vicious dog for sale or rent? give me a ring eh?

I don’t want to be speakin too much about my Candidacy yet as we’re still formulating a game plan.

It’ll be grand though.

We’ll have the biggest hooley you’ve ever seen the likes of in yer day.

I can promise you that!

Course ya need a favor? I’m shar we can come to some kind of arrangement.

I don’t want none of ya’s to think that we be all fun and games.

The sheriffing business is nothing to be taken lightly. I want all the citizenry to know that I plan to honorably uphold the law in the fair vicinity of the village boundaries. making sure that any riffraff or hooligans will be dealt with, severely if necessary?

I believe that all the tom foolery and lollygagging that’s been going on around here has gone on long enough.

It’s time that the law steps up, and protects us from the likes of some of the rabble I’ve seen with me own eyes out after dark.

Never was a scabby sheep in a flock that didn’t like to have a comrade. I can tell you that! There are far too many scabby sheep out walking the streets these days.

And what does the current law do about it?

There’s trouble in every house and some in the street.

If elected? I will deputize two to possibly three deputies to serve as my confidants.

We would be happy to work with the local government if they’ll just admit that there is a problem.

Stop breaking your shin on a stool that is not in your way.

My god man?! life doesn’t have to be this hard. where is your good sense? eh?

Furthermore, I’m offering my help in bringin justice and safety to us all. god bless us, all of us. except the troublemakers.

They are on their own. the godless heathens. may they get what they deserve.

For now, we’ll operate out of my friends garage til the village comes to its senses and offers us suitable headquarters for our base of operations.

I don’t want anyone of yas to be thinking we will be playing favorites.

Having history with me or me constables will not buy you any favors. those will have to be negotiated with discretion at the time of the transaction…as it were.

No need getting ahead of ourselves.

I’m sure we can work something out. we are, after all, reasonable people. aren’t we now?

I’m pleased to informs yas, that my candidacy is fully funded.

There is absolutely no need for any donations at present.

Save your money for permits you’ll no doubt be needing to purchase.

Yer businesses will after all? need to remain open and functioning smoothly.

So? we will need to receive some sort of kindness paid to us to maintain the proper standards befitting a village of our comfortable surroundings.

We can discuss this further when the time comes.

Suffice it to say? might not be the worst thing for you to do.

Law is costly, let’s shake hands and be friends.

As a wise one once said, He who doesn’t look ahead remains behind.

I say, keep an eye on your back, you never know who’s lurking about.

My Name is Jimmy Flynn and I’m running for Sheriff.”