Humor | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do - Part 2 / Humor | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do - Part 2

I found it in the road, I didn’t know it fed on native birds and turtles? I didn’t know it was a hazard for children and pets? these things can rip through coconut husk like its butter. and will mess up your garden or lawn. 

-Professor Hugh Biquitis-

University of Hawaii 1977 Journal of Science.

___________________________________________________________

March 2015.

All hell was about to break loose on the Big Island of Hawaii.

Lives would be changed forever.

It started out like every other day in paradise. trade winds, sunshine, wit da waves rolling in.

OOOee Mano was on the lanai of his house upcountry in Waimea, when he heard it come on the radio.

Strange goings on.

The report told of a truck over turned on highway 19 coming down from Waimea. The driver identified as Justin Casey Bolts of Kona has disappeared without a trace.

Officers first on the scene discovered someone or something had cut a hole from inside and escaped.

According to its owner, the truck was transporting animals to a zoo exhibit at the Waikoloa Hilton. many of the animals and sea creatures are missing, having possibly escaped? those that haven’t, are either in no condition to give a statement. or can’t because they’re tropical birds and sea creatures and shit.

Inspection of the inside of the truck revealed carnage, in both the cab and in the back where the cages and water tanks were located. a brawl appears to have been fought here.

But who started it?  what happened to the participants? No one’s talking.

Those who have lived through an attack by a Coconut Crab or Crab’s will tell ya.

They’re Very Strong, Incredibly Ill Tempered. Originally from Micronesia. They posses a massive Stomach. It’s Pinchers are almost as big as your arm.

Brah? you get in its way? it hurt you bad. mess you up.

The Coconut Crab is a definite anti-social type. known to snap off fingers and indiscriminate to do some serious damage elsewhere.

OOOee was driving a cargo van that night bringing Snack cakes and Yoo-Hoo to The Kings and Queens Shops on the Kohala Coast.

Coming down the mountain on Highway 19 about an hour past sunset.

While rounding a turn, the crab attacked. its massive claw reached out and latched onto the back bumper of the van pulling itself aboard, cutting a hole and climbing inside.

Listening to his music and thinking about this and that. OOOee had no idea what was creepin about inside the back of his van.

Locked up long enough, this was one angry crab. bent on doing some bad.

The Coconut Crab burst inside the cab and started snapping his massive claw at OOOee. Who did what anyone would when faced with a Hideous Creature ready to do you harm. he hit it repeatedly with a wrench really hard. screaming like a little schoolgirl, he fainted. driving off the side of the road down the steep embankment. The Van smashed through the lava rocks and various scrub bushes coming to a violent halt landing in an old lava tube.

Lucky for OOOee this lava tube was an old flow. and not the new lava that flowed on the other side of the island.

The vans drivers door was wedged in between the lava rock. it wouldn’t open. OOOee released his seatbelt climbing out the window.

The Beast was thrown through the windshield as the van came to rest in the lava tube.

OOOee didn’t stop to wait and see if it was ok? OK? he turned and ran for his life, scrambling up the embankment towards the road above.

Coconut Crab was in Hot Pursuit. growling and covered in snack cakes and broken bottles of Yoo-Hoo.

Making it back to the main road. No streetlights, gas stations, Nothing, but….darkness.

When night falls on the island. you can’t see your hand in front of your face. only thing to do is head down the road and hope a car or truck comes by. and, that they stop.

Car headlights approached at a high rate of speed.

OOOee frantically waved his arms. it swerved narrowly missing him. continuing on tail lights disappearing over the next rise.

The growling began to get louder, and Louder.

What is that thing?

Another set of headlights in the distance.

Stepping onto the roadway. he could hear loud music and a woman’s screaming as the car locked up its brakes.

OOOee stood terrified in the oncoming lane. the driver yelled out the window,  Are You Crazy?!?

A young couple most likely on their honeymoon far away from whatever place they called home. the lady was straddling the man in the front seat. These two were definitely not observing the rules of the road in any country.

OOOee pleaded, You Gotta Help Me, Something Is After Me!

The girl in the car reached for her shorts on the passenger seat trying to cover herself up, yelling at her new husband.

Donny! Don’t Stop!

Honey, this man needs our help. can’t you wait til we get back to the room? or at least until we drop him off?

She screamed louder…..What?!? NO! Not That. Let’s Get Out Of Here. I’m Scared…

The Crab Leaped over the embankment through the open passenger window of the stopped car.

OOOee ran. he couldn’t see a thing. looking back over his shoulder he heard the voices of the young man and woman screaming. the cars suspension rocking back and forth violently until it slowly stopped.

All you could hear now was the surf below coming ashore.

Growling.

What is That?

The Crab was headed his way.

I was supposed to have the day off.

He kept moving.

Quarter mile up the highway, OOOee took a louie down a side road that led to a restricted section of land used by the army as training grounds during World War II. the area is littered with unexploded bombs and other munitions that have yet to be cleaned up. multiple pleas from locals to the U.S Government have gone unanswered. Feral dogs run loose in the area occasionally stepping on and detonating old ordinance. its extremely dangerous. Security fences surround the land blocking the public from entering.

Keep Out.

U.S. Army Property.

He climbed over the fence to the property.

Maybe? someone would be on guard? watching the place? maybe they had a phone?

OOOee didn’t. he left his phone in the truck. $#%T!

The place was quiet, no sign of a guard or guard-house anywhere. Large holes pockmarked the ground. Enormous impact craters surrounded him.

Maybe I can hide in one of these and wait it out until daylight? he thought.

The fence rattled. he stopped moving, listening. just the breeze. quiet……

The fence rattled again….

Low growling at first, grew louder. this was a different sound.

A feral dog approached baring its teeth. inching closer to OOOee.

The dog never saw the crab until it was too late. knocking it flat. the hound had…had it.

OOOee ducked his head below the rim of the crater he was in. holding his breath. had it seen me?

What is that thing?

The crab did indeed see him. it started to growl. stepping forward placing its leg directly on top of an unexploded munition. until….the munition, exploded. the concussion of the blast set off countless other old bombs and munition on the grounds. the night sky glowed. The crab was blown to bits.

Help came pretty quick as the blasts were heard up in Upcountry. 

The Police along with Army Officers from Pohakuloa Training Area showed up to interrogate OOOee. Satisfied. OOOee was then taken to the hospital treated and released.

He ended up being a hero to the locals. currently the area is slated to get the ok for development of 5 homestead communities that are located within two sections of the Big Island that OOOee helped clear by accidentally luring the crab onto the private property. The sections cover about 100,000 acres.

The crab pushed its luck too far. should have headed out to sea and left well enough alone. but no? it had to push it. Messed wit da wrong Hawaiian.

Sometimes you eat the OOOee. Sometimes, the OOOee eats you.

How did dat ting get loose? everyone wanted to know.

Turns out when the driver of the truck stopped for a burger in Waimea. Some Eco-Extremist-Conservationists later identified as Yutov Moore, Ahmad Dogg, Sue Flay, Helen Bedd and Dawn Sara Lee Light broke into the parked truck and tried to release all of the animals. they were successful getting inside. beginning to open the cages and water tanks, until the driver appeared. scaring them off before they had completed their mission. unaware of this, he drove off.

Mass hysteria immediately ensued inside, critters and creatures of the sea and the air began to rip each other to shreds on the road down from Waimea to Waikoloa. Mayhem eventually smashed into the cab. the driver fought for his life and lost. being consumed by several of the larger creatures including the Coconut Crab. setting in motion the colossal struggle witnessed today on the Big Island of Hawaii.

As for OOOee? No Worries Brah, He Da King of Da Big Island, Island Royalty. if only for today? that’s cool wit OOOee. he’s just happy to be home. sitting in his chair, cold drink in hand, enjoying cool breezes.

Wit not a care in the world.

Today I am Colonel Pineapple. Yesterday I was Captain Coconut. But I got promoted.

Listening to his music and thinking about this and that.

The only appropriate emotion is gratitude.

About a year ago a man moved into our community from Ireland.

His wife had passed away back home, he woke up one morning, alone.

Searching for something to give his life meaning again. to show us all that he still had something to oooffer it.

A Purpose. in a new land by God!

Phone’s ringing.

America was calling.  And he would answer it’s call.

“Wha? Who is this? I’ll be right over.”

When I first met him at a neighborhood party he told me he moved here because He and his Mrs. had always wanted to see America.

She’d have wanted him to go on some grand adventure.

He had mourned her passing long enough. he knew now as well as any, that we’re all running out of time.

How do you want to go out? doing good or doing bad. that’s the choice really in the end.

I tried to explain to him that our village already had a police force.

That he couldn’t just establish Himself as Sheriff.

The local police force had things covered.

He disagreed, His mind was made up.

He wanted to give something back. so began his campaign for sheriff.

His request to speak to our village board at an open forum was granted.

“Howareyas,

I would like to take this time to announce my candidacy for Sheriff.

As the fella says. I’m officially offering my services to you good people.

I am ready to faithfully serve the village at large as your sheriff.

It’s high time we take a look to see if maybe establishing a position would be a good thing in this age of no manners. 

That said now, I would be willing to make sure a few quid might find their way to the right people for some assistance from time to time.

No questions asked. nothing illegal, you see? really. nothing you would likely do time for? I think? no questions asked, Eh?

I think it would be just grand, to be like Fife was in Mayberry.

Ah that one. Was just as likely to shoot himself in the foot as yours.

Cagey, that one. kept you on your feet all the time.

Mad Genius he was.

I also need to find a dog I can sick on potential criminal types lurking in the park at night.

Should anyone of yas know someone with a vicious dog for sale or rent? give me a ring eh?

I don’t want to be speakin too much about my Candidacy yet as we’re still formulating a game plan.

It’ll be grand though.

We’ll have the biggest hooley you’ve ever seen the likes of in yer day.

I can promise you that!

Course ya need a favor? I’m shar we can come to some kind of arrangement.

I don’t want none of ya’s to think that we be all fun and games.

The sheriffing business is nothing to be taken lightly. I want all the citizenry to know that I plan to honorably uphold the law in the fair vicinity of the village boundaries. making sure that any riffraff or hooligans will be dealt with, severely if necessary?

I believe that all the tom foolery and lollygagging that’s been going on around here has gone on long enough.

It’s time that the law steps up, and protects us from the likes of some of the rabble I’ve seen with me own eyes out after dark.

Never was a scabby sheep in a flock that didn’t like to have a comrade. I can tell you that! There are far too many scabby sheep out walking the streets these days.

And what does the current law do about it?

There’s trouble in every house and some in the street.

If elected? I will deputize two to possibly three deputies to serve as my confidants.

We would be happy to work with the local government if they’ll just admit that there is a problem.

Stop breaking your shin on a stool that is not in your way.

My god man?! life doesn’t have to be this hard. where is your good sense? eh?

Furthermore, I’m offering my help in bringin justice and safety to us all. god bless us, all of us. except the troublemakers.

They are on their own. the godless heathens. may they get what they deserve.

For now, we’ll operate out of my friends garage til the village comes to its senses and offers us suitable headquarters for our base of operations.

I don’t want anyone of yas to be thinking we will be playing favorites.

Having history with me or me constables will not buy you any favors. those will have to be negotiated with discretion at the time of the transaction…as it were.

No need getting ahead of ourselves.

I’m sure we can work something out. we are, after all, reasonable people. aren’t we now?

I’m pleased to informs yas, that my candidacy is fully funded.

There is absolutely no need for any donations at present.

Save your money for permits you’ll no doubt be needing to purchase.

Yer businesses will after all? need to remain open and functioning smoothly.

So? we will need to receive some sort of kindness paid to us to maintain the proper standards befitting a village of our comfortable surroundings.

We can discuss this further when the time comes.

Suffice it to say? might not be the worst thing for you to do.

Law is costly, let’s shake hands and be friends.

As a wise one once said, He who doesn’t look ahead remains behind.

I say, keep an eye on your back, you never know who’s lurking about.

My Name is Jimmy Flynn and I’m running for Sheriff.”

________

I Can’t wait for you to meet him. Games at noon. See you Sunday.

I hung up the phone.

Sunday.

Watching the Game at my friend Jocko’s house. his sister is in town, with her new boyfriend from Arizona.

Jocko met me at the front door, I had stopped on the way over and bought some chicken wings. possibly not the wisest choice, given the guests staying with him. Which poses the question, Can a Falcon or any other bird of prey sense you’ve been eating his kin-folk? and just how would that make the Falcon feel? Would I be made aware of its displeasure by the birds stare? perhaps an audible notification?

What are you doing? Wings?

Yeah man! dipped in the hot stuff, Yak-zie’s got the best wings, don’t they? here you go, what’s a matter? ohhh right, Falconer?

Just put em in the kitchen. You aren’t gonna believe this character. I don’t think he’s much of a football fan. He’s into birds. be nice, it’s my sister.

I thought he was in costume when I met him.

Dude was wearing a suede jacket with fringe and feathers.

On his left hand, a huge mitt that looked somewhat like a welders glove.

Jocko introduced me to Russell. we shook hands and I sat down.

Halfway through the first quarter.

HEY That Guy Just Threw Something On The Field!

Exchanging glances with my friend. I realize that the falconer isn’t kidding.

That’s a penalty flag, referee’s throw that when they see something illegal. Against the rules, Where are the ladies Jocko?

Shopping. Big sale someplace….

Russell, can I see your bird? sorry….Falcon. Can I see your Falcon?

He resting now. Perhaps, after the contest?

C’mon man, I just want to take a peek, I won’t wake it.

Standing, Russell pulls out his phone. Pardon me. exiting the room.

I look at Jocko.

Why is he wearing that mitt?

He needs it, When he feeds it, it sits on his hand.

Where is it, napping in the guest bedroom?

Garage.

I gotta see it man.

Not now, later, halftime.

Russell walks back in, sitting down to silently watch the rest of the first half.

Our attempts to draw him out into conversation prove to be futile.

A couple of field goals make it 3-3 going into halftime.

Russell excuses himself once again to make a phone call.

Jocko? C’mon man, show me the bird.

OK. you gotta be quiet, no messing around.

Entering the kitchen, I ask, What brings them to town?

They’re in for a Bird Meet.

Bird Meat?

What?….. Meet, not meat. You know? a contest, for umm?…his bird to hang out and compete against other falcons.

Jocko? Falcons are not pets. they don’t hang out. this is serious business. these birds are trained to kill. Did you notice how he walks? holding his arm out like a butler handing you a towel.

Who? the Bird or Russell?

Birds don’t have arms. do they?…. You eejit.

Jocko opens the door to the Garage.

In the corner is a coat rack, bird perched atop it, wearing a small leather hood on its head. at first glance the bird appears to be in fact, sleeping?

Is the bird making it smell like this? or is it like this all the time?

It’s the bird.

Open the goddamn door and get some air in here. It smells like ass.

Can’t open the door. He might fly away.

He? so…a boy bird?

What? Yeah….I think so? I don’t know?

Well…What’s his name?

Francis.

Francis?!? yer ass. listen? Grab ahold of him. I want to check and see if he’s got a pair.

Keep yer mitts off.

Where’s your flashlight? I’ve seen pictures of falcons before, they didn’t look like this. This bird is a fake.

Shuddup, You don’t know nothing.

Who ties up a bird and places a hood on his head? then holds him in a dark garage. don’t they have hotels for special birds like this? hotels or barns, bird hostels? seriously man. it’s going take a lot of cleaning in here to get this stank out. Have you seen him fly yet? why isn’t it in a cage? get that goof in here or I’m gonna take off his little leather bird hat.

No! it keeps him calm.

Jocko? He’s wearing a blindfold. what have you gotten yourself mixed up in. is this some sort of bird S&M thing? C’mon, take off his mask, let me look into this crazy birds eyes.

Enough is enough. I lift the hood off Francis head.

Seeing Jocko and I standing there next to it, the bird goes berserk. its wings flapping wildly.

Lunging forward towards my face. Screeching.

CAAAWWWW!

Jocko and I fall back onto the garage floor, scrambling for cover behind his car.

After banging off the garage door a few times Francis has settled on the rafter above us.

SHRIEKKKKK!

Shit! I thought it was tied to the coat rack? Now What?!?

Give him a friggin cracker. Maybe it’ll calm him down?

Cracker? They eat mice and small critters. it’s not a parrot. we’re in the garage. You See Any Crackers Out Here?

Upon Hearing the commotion, Russell rushes in, from above, his bird bellows.

SHRIEKKKKK!

Behave Yourself! None of that Now. None of THAT! Russell shouts.

Crouching down. and now frightened. I look at Jocko.

Is he talking to me or the bird?

No response from Jocko, who remains motionless, as if he doesn’t move, no one will notice he’s there.

I decide it’s time to go. Mood is Wrong.

Covering my head in my hands I make a break for the side door of the garage.

Don’t Run! Jocko yells. They’re attracted to Motion!

Too late. Francis spots me and is in hot pursuit.

Yanking the door almost off its hinges I stumble outside.

Daylight!

I feel the whoosh of air above. Francis buzzes right over my head before disappearing into the late afternoon grey sky.

In Retrospect, I’m not sure how I feel about it?

At the time my survival instincts kicked in. Fight or Flight.

Most of you would of done the same thing.

After some quiet reflection.

Was this bird a prisoner? Held against its will.

Ummm?

Did he and his former master have some kind of bond that was beyond my understanding?

Well?…Yeah.

Did I do the right thing by accident?

It would appear no.

The Falconer put an ad on Craigslist about a missing Falcon, offering a reward for it’s safe return.

We have heard nay about it. not a peep.

It’s been seven weeks now since he flew the coop.

Russell has grown increasingly more restless. repeated messages delivered from Arizona sound ominous. he’s expecting some serious cash from us for a new bird. and expecting it soon.

The last time Jocko and I spoke to discuss the delicate matter of Russell’s money? Didn’t go so well.

Hey? did you ever see that Maltese Falcon with Bogart? how much do you think that falcon cost?

Jocko? That was a stone bird. not a real flying around type of bird. I seriously doubt the falconer is going to accept a painted statue of a bird? Which, by the way Brainiac? won’t fly, or be able to go to bird meets to hang out.

We were shocked to find out a new falcon is going to set us back about five grand.

Five Grand! They only live ten years on average. do the math….man….Five Hundo a year! that some serious coinage for a stanky, angry bird.

We finally did agree to split the cost, Jocko tried to stick me with the full amount at first.

Until I explained to him that he never should of shown it to me without The Falconers permission.

It was his house after all. the bird was a guest at his home, not mine.

Before we cough up the dough, we’re trying one last thing.

We’ve put together a flier to post around town. Not sure it’s going to work. How does one catch a Falcon anyway? nets? tranquilizer dart? slip him a mickey?

Lost Falcon.

Answers to: Hey Bird! and Francis.

Last Seen: Flying away.

Likes: Live Mice, Small Critters, Flying Around.

Dislikes: Loud Voices, Garages, Motion and Crackers.

Reward.

Please be careful. he’s really unpredictable.

***-564-5737 ask for Jocko.

    Give me a shout if you see a large unidentified bird flying around.

_______________

In front of a restaurant the sign read.

Squirrels always look and act like it’s their first day being a Squirrel.

Well? I don’t know about that. I can assure you the Squirrels I’m familiar with, absolutely do not behave like this. These cold, calculating, insidious little creatures are simply not to be trusted.

Never more sure of anything in my life.

The squirrel in the tree above appeared to be laughing at me.

Hissing at it. I turned back to my raking. filling up seven more bags of leaves.

Looked back up into the tree.

Odd, still there.

Only now, there’s two more with it. watching me.

Exchanging sideways glances.

These three were up to something. No two ways about it.

Imposter. I heard a voice say, You fool no one.

The voice sounded like Peter Lorre?

At once the other two started in on me.

He’s holding the rake all wrong! Will ya look at this guy?

He’s not taking into account the wind? it’s out of the west.

No No it’s out of the north!

Hey man? get it together. rake away from the wind, geez c’mon!

If he’d check the weather he’d see the wind is going to pick up.

Peter Lorre and his squirrely pals were hassling me. criticizing my technique. my way of doing things.

I rubbed my eyes. nope, still there.

If he waited two days? he wouldn’t have to rake em? they’re all gonna blow away!

One put a finger in its mouth to dampen it, holding it aloft to test the wind.

High pressure system is heading our way. winds definitely gonna change. it said.

I dropped the rake and ran into the house.

That night, as I slept.

A voice, Imposter.

Tossed and Turned all night.

Dreamt of Squirrels. Some pointed at me and laughed. One punched his fist repeatedly into its palm, Some gave me knowing nods and thumbs up, one flipped me the bird.

The very next afternoon.

I was raking in the yard again,

Looked up into the trees, they were filled with squirrels.

Every branch. Every limb was full of them. And every one of them was looking at me.

Do yourself a favor, move back to the city, you’re out of your element.

It was that prick Peter Lorre.

One of his henchmen threw a bus ticket at me. told me to Beat it.

An eerie silence fell.

The herd of squirrels continued staring at me from the branches above.

Something deep inside me decided enough was enough. Everybody else will tell you I just fuckin’ snapped.

I calmly went into our garage, found the can of gas for the lawnmower, pouring it out at the base of a tree.

Yeah, damn right I lit it.

How do you like that PETER?!? WHERE’S YOUR MOSES NOW!?!

Flames raced up the trees trunk.

The Screen door exploded open. My wife, ran out of the house, grabbing our garden hose spraying the tree with water.

In the distance, sirens approached.

Can you believe that Honey? Did you see them? Did you hear what Peter said to me? Look? they gave me this bus ticket.

She looked at our charred tree, before turning to contemplate the love of her life.

What is wrong with you? What Bus Ticket? Who’s Peter!?

I Didn’t Do Anything? They Started it!

A fire truck pulled up in front of our house. followed by the police. I was ticketed, assigned a court date and told in no uncertain terms not to set anymore fires.

I walked back into the house. and stared at the fireplace. confused.

The following morning, got dressed and went out into our front yard to scan the trees.

Where’d they all go?

It began to rain. winds were gusting through the branches. I stood there soaked to the bone an hour or so watching and listening. Until I heard the rumble of thunder. I had some chores to do before the game started.

Work, work, work.

That afternoon, I fell asleep on the couch.

I was in Hawaii. relaxing in a lounge chair at the pool.

A squirrel in sun glasses approached me and asked me If I’d like something to drink? I said, No thank you, Would it be possible to get something to eat?

The squirrel shook his head, hit me with his little drink tray and ran off.

Rolling off the couch, I landed on the floor with a thud.

Had a difficult time sleeping that night. keeping one eye on the tree outside our bedroom window. first I heard scratching. then murmuring? as though an angry crowd had gathered.

It kept growing louder and louder.

I pulled the covers up to my chin and waited.

The next day at work things got a little sketchy. I had some sort of a confrontation with a parking meter.

At lunch, Co-workers saw me yelling at my sandwich in the breakroom.

All anyone would say is, he seemed incredibly distraught.

They called my wife to come get me. To be clear, if I may?

Just because she signed the papers to put me away. does not mean she doesn’t care. It’s a temporary arrangement. ok?

She needed to do something I suppose? Everyday for the past two weeks.

I would come home from work and run through the sprinkler in my suit.

Sure, I got a few strange looks. But what the hell? I’ve been under a lot of stress at work in my defense.

Down the street, we have a guy who once a week cuts his lawn, crack of dawn in his pajamas while drinking a glass of wine.

Now that’s weird….Right?

Everybody’s dealing with something. You know?

Pressures either at work, issues with your kids, your spouse, maybe it’s a combination of things?

If that’s your only problem? Be Thankful. The stuff on the surface can be handled. You can work through it.

But, if you start to see things? Or hear voices? things that aren’t there? Well? You have my sympathy and my understanding Pal.

I really want to go home. I’m tired of all these restrictions.

I wasn’t talking to the squirrel. He was talking to me.

What was I suppose to do? Ignore it?

I should’ve, I could’ve, unfortunately? I didn’t.

So now?

I’m sharing a room with this guy who thinks he’s….Magilla Gorilla. Keeps calling me Ogee or Mr. Peebles.

I guess I shouldn’t complain, he’s respectful, picks up his stuff, stays on his side of the room. What more can you ask of a roommate? his goofy voice can wear on you. All this “Gee Mr. Peebles” nonsense. My Name is not Mr. Peebles. I don’t own a pet store with a Gorilla for sale.

Let it go man!

Won’t you buy him? Take him home and try him? Gorilla for sale.

C’mon? take him home and try him? That’ll never work. It’d destroy your house, kill your family? then what? Steal a Car, Head for the Empire State Building?

I only want to go home and run through the sprinkler. get things back to normal.

My wife told me on her last visit that my friends and co-workers have been calling to inquire how I’m doing?

I’m feeling better. the dreams have subsided. I am sleeping better.

Although? I can’t be sure that they won’t come back?

I saw a squirrel outside yesterday. stopped me in my tracks.

Didn’t talk to me. Didn’t even look my way. Which is fine by me.

Doctor tells me I should make a full recovery. I just need some rest.

Things are a lot easier here, I have lots of friends. nice bed to sleep in, three square meals a day.

I get visitors from time to time holding clipboards.

Everyone is always asking me how I am?

We get to talk about our problems every day. The people who work here are really friendly.

The patients are mostly cool. Mostly.

Except for this guy named Larry who keeps asking everyone, Is it safe?

How the fuck should I know Larry?

Tomorrow for grins. I might tell Larry, It’s not safe, while staring at his forehead. just to see what happens.

I think I’m calmer now? calmer than most people in here.

As long as I promise to take my medicine, listen to my doctors, and stay off the electric fence.

I can have jello for desert. And….Not the kind they put fruit in. I like my jello clean, and neat. Preferably Lime or Cherry. don’t even try to pass off that stuff you can’t see through. You know the kind I’m talking about? That pink or white shit. You never know what surprises they’re hiding in there? I like to see through my food when possible. Otherwise, I just keep picking at it until I’m sure there are no surprises. I won’t drink anything out of a can. Has to be a bottle or jug I can see through.

I use to love fast food. not anymore. Few years ago some cement head was putting severed fingers in the chili at Wendy’s after he purchased it? Then, Blaming Wendy’s for it? and suing them? Wendy’s? The Guy hired a lawyer to sue Wendy’s? for, Are you ready for this? Mental Anguish. Messed up the whole fast food thing for me. Can’t go near it anymore. Bums me out. Because I love Chili.

I also love a Good Fish Taco. Extra Fish. Grande Fishy Taco por favor. With a glass of water. from a bottle, no ice.

Sometimes, I Hear Voices.

Song: The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.
By, Roberta Flack

Your last junior high school dance has arrived. hang on a second pal, do something about that hair.

Zip up that fly, stop looking like you’re going to barf.

Because that 13-year-old girl across the dance floor? yeah….that one, right there.

Is looking right at you.

Your mission? if you decide to…accept it? is to get up the nerve to ask her to dance.

For God’s Sakes Man! be cool. keep it together. try not to look like such a goof.

She’s looking over here. keep it together.

Oh Hell’s Bells! not them? not now.

Three of your best so-called pals are egging you on.

“Go on Maaaan! What are you Chicken?”

“Chicken Fried Fraidy Cat!”

“Hey Hogan? your fly is open.”

Quickly I reach down and check my fly. my chucklehead friends are exchanging punches in the shoulder.

She’s not going to wait forever, go on, ask her.

If that dickhead (Name Deleted) gets to dance with her first? you’re going to have to egg his house in retribution.

Wow? look at her. those eyes, that smile. She’s so pretty, wish I had a girlfriend like that.

Did I just say that out loud?

You look over and notice no visible reaction from your friends who are still punching each other in the shoulder.

I think she likes me? she say’s hello from time to time in the halls.

Hopefully? the last time I grunted in return, I didn’t sound like I had been dropped on my head.

Why does she keep looking over here?

(Name Deleted) comes over. We exchange hard punches in the shoulder.
Song: Theme from Shaft

By, Issac Hayes

I swear, if (Name Deleted) asks her to dance? he’s going to disappear forever beneath a pile of dirt clods.

I take a slow deep breath.

It’s Now or never.

I start towards her.

Unbeknownst to me (Name Deleted) is right behind me.

I never saw it coming.

I fly into the refreshment table knocking it over.

Laughter erupts.

Sitting on the floor amidst a puddle of Hawaiian punch and cookies.

One of my friends yells out, “Nice going Hogan! You idiot.”

(Name Deleted) isn’t finished.

He jumps on my back, grabs my head in his hands, ramming it repeatedly into the gym floor.

As they pulled him off me, he had his pocket knife out. and has stabbed Mr. Raley our principle in the hand.

Our Gym teacher Mr. Pro grabbed him from behind in a chokehold and knocked the knife out of his hand.

The Police were called.

(Name Deleted) brother had been killed in Viet Nam earlier in the year.

Understandably he’d taken it hard. this was just his latest incident of rage.

A month earlier he pushed Joe our school janitor down the stairs.

I would be ok. I had a bloody nose, large bump on the head, and a tear in my really cool red corduroy smoking jacket.

The nose and head would heal. The Jacket?

Mom was gonna be upset, I’d gotten it special for the dance at Just Jeans. ®

They took (Name Deleted) to the police station. No criminal charges were filed.

He was suspended for the rest of the school year.

As he was being loaded into the back of the police car?

He spotted me. I have bad dreams remembering the look he gave me, even today.

From the backseat of the squad. He shouted.

“Will you wait for Me?!?”

I thought he was talking to me? I pointed to myself.

“Not You Asshole! Her!”

“Don’t dance with him! You’re suppose to be with ME!”

She looked right at him and made a face like she had eaten something that didn’t agree with her.

Shaking her head, she said, “No!”

Powerful word. no. get’s right to the point. no.

After that? he got quiet, remaining very still, until the police car took him away.

I turned to look at her, her eyes met mine. I smiled.

She didn’t smile back.

Several of her friends surrounded her.

I was crushed.

Why didn’t she smile back?

I heard my friends laughing.

Why didn’t she smile back?

Shaking it off, I walked over to them. pretending not to notice. after all. they’re your friends.

The dance was over.

One of my Teachers, Miss Bass asked me if I was alright?

I nodded that I was.

I wasn’t.

I’m hurt, I’m pissed, my new red corduroy smoking jacket is torn!

I decide to walk home.

About half way, I hear a voice behind me.

“Robert? Wait. Robert.”

“Are you ok?”

Touching my hand to the bump on my head, I nodded, I was.

“Why didn’t you ask me to dance tonight?”

I look down at the ground paralyzed. Then at her, shuffling my feet.

” I….I don’t know.”

Only, I knew. I was afraid. Afraid she’d say no. I turned away and walked home.

No goodnight, No, see you in school on Monday. Nothing.

Song: Alone Again (Naturally)

By, Gilbert Sullivan

I wanted to have that night back.. I wanted another chance.

At the time. I felt like I’d blown it!

When you’re a thirteen year old. you think that every moment is the last chance you’ll get.

Then? you find out it isn’t.

The light bulb goes on. Chances and Opportunities happen everyday.

You just need to recognize them.

And act on them. Unafraid.

I eventually got that dance.

Song: Doctor My Eyes
By, Jackson Browne

 My Last Junior High School Dance 1973

Song List

1. Hello it’s Me
Todd Rundgren
2. Lean on Me
Bill Withers
3. Theme from Shaft
Issac Hayes
4. The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
Roberta Flack
5. I’ll Be Around
The Spinners
6. Me and Mrs Jones
Billy Paul
7. Mother and Child Reunion
Paul Simon
8. Everything That I Own.
Bread
9. Rockin Robin
Michael Jackson
10. Brandy ( You’re a Fine Girl)
Looking Glass
11. Your Mama Don’t Dance
Loggins and Messina
12. Right Place Wrong Time
Dr. John
13. Saturday in the Park
Chicago
14. Nights in White Satin
Moody Blues
15. Heart of Gold
Neil Young
16. Dancing in the Moonlight
King Harvest
17. It Never Rains in Southern California
Albert Hammond
18. Long Cool Woman (in a Black Dress)
The Hollies
19. Crocodile Rock
Elton John
20. Reelin’ in The Years
Steely Dan
21. Morning Has Broken
Cat Stevens
22. I Can See Clearly Now
Johnny Nash
23. Day After Day
Badfinger
24. Go All The Way
Raspberries
25. The Witch Queen of New Orleans
Redbone
26. Drift Away
Dobie Gray
27. Troglodyte (Cave Man)
The Jimmy Castor Bunch

I was looking for something to help me relax.

Yoga helps reduce stress, alleviate health problems, makes the spine supple.

I would like all of those things.

Yoga is used as a complete exercise program. and as a physical therapy routine.

I can understand that.

Where I get a little confused? is when I hear people go a little too mystical on me.

Telling me that Yoga is “The cessation of the perturbations of the mind.”

“That the ultimate goal is a state of permanent peace.” Permanent State of Peace?

Is that even possible?

I’ll bet even the Maharishi himself smashed a lamp or two in his day in anger.

Will Yoga heighten my awareness? reduce my stress? keep me in good physical shape?

I was willing to give it a shot.

The day of my first class,  I was asked by my instructor. “If I knew where my Chakra was located?”

Chakra?, No? No I do not. Chakra is located just below your belly button, if you are a man? it’s located above your junk.

If you are a woman? get somebody else to show you.

Generally I don’t want to be pointing at or placing my fingers around the woman’s Chakra. Dig?

The Chakra is where all of your energy emits from.

After my first class I won’t forget thinking, You’re going to teach me how to breathe?

If I didn’t know that, I wouldn’t be here right now.

I’m paying someone to teach me how to breathe.

Apparently my poker face and eye roll gave me away. as my instructor rephrased her point.

“We will teach you how to breathe correctly, or better.” expelling bad energy, with cleansing breathing.

The instructions I’m getting here, this information? is not something I can share with my friends.

I can’t go and tell the fellas I’m taking Yoga.

I might as well tell them I’ve decided to become an astronaut.

“Hey umm Jocko? I started taking yoga classes.”

“Yoga!?! Wha? What for? Yoga? Wha? isn’t that where people sit on the floor and chant? Fucks smatter wit you?”

Followed by a punch in the nuts.

We often fear what we don’t understand grasshopper.

I went to class almost a year, 3 to 4 times a week. it was a wise decision.

After each class, Our yoga instructor would invite the class to stay for tea afterwards.

We’d sit on the floor in a circle basking in the glow of a completed class.

I’d feel good, alert, upbeat, relaxed, happy and content. I was at ease. she would pour us tea and pass the cup to her left. the person next to her would pass the cup to their left, each person would continue to pass the cup to the person seated to their left until it went around the circle to the person seated directly to the right of the instructor. no one would drink from their cup until everyone had a cup of tea. no one would pass a cup across the circle or break from the cycle.

This had something to do with the energy field in the room. before we drank, we’d lean forward to one another and bow. I must admit to you, there was a lot of positive energy in the room. you could feel it.

I asked the instructor one evening.

“What type of tea is this?” asking if it was Green? She’d smiled, “No.”  “Is it Oolong?” again she smiled “No.”

I know my tea’s a little so I asked, “Is it Chai?” smiling she replied, “No.”

Our instructor appeared a little evasive to my queries. finally several classes later when she realized I would keep asking her, she gave me the Korean name of it. which of course I’d never heard of, and had difficulty pronouncing. she could have told me the tea I just drank was high grade liquid plutonium and I wouldn’t have known it.

I was just curious, what’s the secret or mystery? I think you should ask what you put in your body. I know this…..I felt great after drinking it. most likely I felt euphoric due to the combined effect of the yoga class and the tea. I was told it would help me cleanse my system. It tasted ok. and seemed to contain a large amount of caffeine. I was up, feeling great. without the jitters. on my walk home from class I would be smiling from ear to ear.

Yep, I was extremely happy with the results of signing up to take yoga.

Except.

There was one thing, that kinda bothered me about the tea circle. after we’d finish our tea. our instructor would ask for a volunteer to wash the cups. in the sink, in the bathroom.

The bathroom? not really that sanitary. still, I complied with the request to clean the teacups.

No one else ever volunteered to clean up after tea. Except me

It was as if the instructor had asked, “OK, I need someone to go behind enemy lines, this is a dangerous mission and you might not make it back.”

After every class I’d finish my tea, look up, and people would be heading for the door. so? I’d volunteer again.

This one evening after cleaning the cups I asked our instructor why no one else would take a turn?

Looking me in the eyes, she held both my wrists, spoke softly while bowing to me, “Cleaning is good for the soul.”

Oh OK…got it, good for the soul….except.

I kept dwelling on it. the harder I tried to let it go? the more resentful I grew.  I’d look at the rest of my yoga practitioners, hoping that one of them would feel the need to clean their soul.

C’mon! Somebody else take a friggin turn. I’ve been cleaning these cups for months now. I’ve got a job. I didn’t sign up to wash your dishes. for goodness sakes someone else take a Turn!

Breathe! Breathe Dammit!

On the day of my last class. things had gotten weird, like things do from time to time.

Seriously needing to cease the perturbations rolling around in my head before I started flipping over tables and breathing fire.

I was greeted by my instructors smile and hug. I warmly hugged her back.

Then I removed my coat and shoes, bowing before entering the room.

This is done to show respect for the space and keep the positive energy flowing.

I went to the front of the room and placed my mat on the floor.

Class began.

I closed my eyes, and let the negative energy leave my body by slowly exhaling, then slowly Inhaling good positive energy.

Yeah…..that’s it, ahhhhh, the day’s troubles began to lift and drift away. Leaving me with a serene feeling.

I would stretch and hold positions to facilitate flow and energy. I would sit in the lotus position and listen to myself breathe.

I would visualize myself beside a river at the side of a mountain. I was at that moment at peace. it was beautiful.

Class ended.

We all sat in a circle, our instructor began to pour us our communal tea. We passed the cups bowing to one another as a sign of respect. I felt good. Until I looked up to see the last of my class exiting the room.

I collected the cups and headed for the bathroom.

Closing the door behind me. looking into the mirror. I held a cup in my left hand and let it drop onto the floor. It shattered. I lifted another and let it fall to the floor.

Then I dropped several more cups into the toilet.

Someone knocked on the door. It was my instructor, asking me if I was alright?

I opened the door and bowed to her.

“Robert? What has happened?”

I told her that the perturbation of my mind had caused me to go berserk.

I bowed again, moving past her carefully, I put my shoes on. And went home.

We all have to chart our own paths.

My path was not doing her dishes.

I throughly enjoyed taking yoga. There were lots of positive benefits.

I would recommend it to everyone.

There are many different forms of yoga out there. I just need to find one that doesn’t require cleaning the cups.

L to R: Roach, Robert Hogan, Tom Hogan.

Roach had me by the collar. He flung me like a sack of potatoes.

I landed in the lake. My older brother dove in after and fished me out.

We called the kid across the lake Roach.

I’m Not sure why? Maybe that was his name or just some nickname he got tagged with? Roach meant to toss me in the direction of the Bear that charged us. unfortunately for him. I slipped out of his hand as he windmilled me, and I flew into the lake, not into the path of the bear. sometimes you eat the bear, and sometimes? the bear? he eats you. I was 4 going on 5.

I don’t remember much? remember the lake and the cabin. But not that day. though others would.

Our family spent the month of August that year in Northern Wisconsin in a rented cabin on a chain of lakes vacationing. My older brother Tom and I would find all kinds of stuff to do that summer. Dodging Bats in the attic, Fishing for Tadpoles and Listening to the Loons.

I looked up to my big brother. he was cool. I wanted to tag along everywhere he went. I’m sure that day he would’ve rather hung around with Roach across the lake? instead of his pesky little brother. Can’t say I blame him. There was a ten-year age difference between us. after a while you have to get exhausted listening to a 4 year olds relentless questions? on the rare occasion they would tolerate my company.

We were walking from our cabin to the Roach’s cabin on the other side of the lake by taking a path that skirted along the lakes edge.

I didn’t understand the concept of wild animals back then. Not that I would have thought that the beast charging at us was Yogi Bear.

The Bear we found out later was only trying to protect her cubs. we startled it. and it did what bears do. protect their young.

Roach never liked me much. I was just a nuisance to him. a little brat. my brother was put in charge of watching me that day. my parents were going out shopping. he had no choice, he was told, “Watch your little brother.”

When you’re young. you don’t get up in the morning and make plans to do anything. you just hit the ground running and see where the day takes you. hopefully you have some fun, laugh and find some trouble to get into that won’t necessitate a trip to the hospital.

That day I got lucky, I just swallowed some lake water. Roach? he didn’t fare so well, he lost a lot of blood. ending up with a huge bite out of his right arm and left leg. the bear bounced him around like a rubber ball. I’m not sure how many stitches he took? my brother tried to explain it to me. after trying to count the number on my fingers? I lost track, anything after ten to a 4 year-old? might as well be in the hundreds.

I realize how fortunate I am that I slipped out of Roach’s hand.

At first, he was considered a hero. Then he spilled the beans. he meant to toss me at the bear, hoping it would go after me instead of him. I was nothing more to him than cannon fodder. Sorry kid? wrong place, wrong time.

Our family would visit Roach in the hospital, bring him gifts, offered to help his parents with their medical bills, we believed he all but saved my life. they politely refused. after he was released. he was confined to their cabin for the remainder of the summer. We’d go over every day. bring him cookies. hang out, drink coca cola sitting in the shade of his screened in porch looking out at the lake. it was fun, good times, easy living.

Until a couple of days before our vacation ended. while goofing around. my brother made growling noises at Roach. and he snapped, he started to yell and scream, his arms were flailing about. I don’t think my brother intended to scare him? although? this was the same guy who told me the Boogie Man lived in our bedroom closet.

Once Roach calmed down. he came clean with the real story. We never saw him again. My Dad was fit to be tied when he heard the truth, Mom calmed him down, he figured it wouldn’t do any good to make a stink. His kids were OK. There were no bite marks or scars for them on this day. Those would come later for his boys. And not at the hands or claws of a bear.

I feel horrible.

But the squirrel has to take some of the responsibility here.

I was just trying to clear snow off the sidewalk.

Time slowed down.

If you’ve been in a car accident, you know what I’m talking about.

Hearing the spinning of tires in snow rounding the corner down the street.

I yanked the starter cord and the snowblower roared to life.

Exhaling into the air I could see my breath.

As the car sped by, must have surprised the squirrel crossing the street? it came flying over the snow covered parkway in front of our house in a full tilt boogie.

The sight of a flying squirrel startled me. I’d heard the stories. Saw the cartoon. Yet, I didn’t know that they were indigenous to this part of the world? in the jungles maybe? Not North America.

Falling back into the snow bank. the grinding snowblower blades swung in the direction of the airborne squirrel.

Poor dumb bastard didn’t stand a chance.

I watched as he flew overhead in the direction of the blades, our eyes met just for a moment? he seemed both frightened and really surprised to see me laying in the snow.

Like an out of control ski jumper who’d already committed. there would be no high marks for this jump. and no medal at the end of the competition.

It was ghastly.

The freshly fallen snow on our parkway was…..well?

I tried to save him. but alas my skills as a squirrel surgeon are limited.

Seeing what was left of him, I made a quick judgement call. I had to do the humane thing and put him out of his misery.

The shovel seemed to do the trick.

Although, having to explain to several seniors leaving church across the street what I was doing with the shovel? proved a wee bit unfortunate.

The police were called to our home, they took my statement. wanting to know if I had any plans to leave town?

When I told them I didn’t? they asked me to be more careful. that this town didn’t take kindly to squirrel killers. reminding me it was a friendly village. they had laws against this sort of thing.

I mumbled under my breath as they left.

Taking the remains of the squirrel to what I refer to as Boot Hill in the corner of our backyard.

I gave him a proper burial and spoke some real nice words over him. I’m sure his kin folk would have been pleased.

Looking back. It was probably a mistake that I named him, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

Rocky’s not alone out there in Boot Hill. he’s buried along with a dead opossum I found frozen solid next to the garage last winter, a decapitated chipmunk my wife found in the backyard. and what appears to be the remains of some former homeowner’s deceased beast, its scattered bones made it look like it had been in some sort of tussle?

When I came inside the house.

My wife asked, What were you doing with the shovel in the backyard?

I told her, I was burying Rocky.

Who The Hell is Rocky?!? she demanded.

That’s when I just lost it and started to sob. I know, I know?…..it’s just a squirrel…you say. but you weren’t partly responsible for his demise.

Hoping it snows again soon to cover the massacre stain out in front of our house. Too many kids in the neighborhood are stopping by to check it out.

I’m just trying to distance myself from the whole incident.

I can’t change things. if I could go back and save Rocky? I surely would. but I can’t. what’s done is done.

We grieve the loss, we may get angry. We may question our own exsistence. But at some point, we need to put it behind us and move on.

I’d like to think Rocky would have wanted me to.

You have to learn to let go. Once grief gets ahold of you?

It can be hard to move on.

But take it from me, it’s the best course of action.

Life is so short. For us all.

Forgive yourself.

It’s the only way out.

It’s been said that with long exposure to extreme cold temperatures people will get a little goofy.

There have been documented cases of individuals wandering off to die in the woods if overcome by brutal cold temperatures outside.

Reports show the soon to be blocks of ice will just lay down in the snow and expire. dreaming they are on a warm sunny beach. completely unaware that their body is shutting down.

Going from cold stupid to cold crazy is a fine line. Delusions and Hallucinations are commonly reported. the ability to think rationally disappears.

Cold stupid you just don’t know any better. you aren’t aware of the effect the cold is having on your system, you get confused.

Cold crazy? is just that. you are off your nut friggin goofy. doing goofy stuff.

I swear. I had no idea what was going on.

The police filled my wife in after they found me and took me to the hospital.

It was right in the middle of the coldest weather to hit town in two decades. they called it a Polar Vortex.  -15 below zero, with the wind chill making it feel like -35 below zero.

Right before the freeze hit town, we had several snowstorms dropping close to a foot of snow in our area. the day the cold hit, the snow plows in our village kept plowing in the end of our driveway,

I went out several times to clear it so we could get the car out in the event of an emergency. my wife pleaded for me not to go out that night, that the temps were now being broadcast as dangerous.

“Please don’t go outside, it freezing out there.” she said.

Aw Baloney! Came my brilliant reply.

This was nothing more than the media making a big deal out of nothing again. that’s what the media does these days. Every single time a weather related story comes on.

Run for your Lives!

It’s the End of the World!

Every storm now has a name. It’s not just hurricanes, tropical storms and typhoons. now it’s winter storm this and winter storm that.

It’s just a snow storm, why does it need a name?

“Bunch of bunk.” I said.

“Sweetie please.” she pleaded.

“No, I’m going out to shovel the end of the driveway. they’ve plowed us in again!”

They found me a couple of hours later.

We traced my steps the best we could after the fact.

Mrs Anderson down the street told the police she heard a noise on her front porch that sounded like growling.

When she turned on her front porch light. A man was standing there pointing his finger at a plastic Santa Claus decoration in an accusatory manner.

Upon seeing her standing in the window, she reported I slowly turned and pointed my finger at her, growled and ran off between the houses.

Weather report on the evening news was broadcasting dangerous temperatures in our area.

Munk McPherson told his parents he was watching TV in the living room. instead of doing his homework when he heard a scratching at the window. he opened the blinds and spotted me standing there looking in at him. Allegedly, I held up my index finger and mouthed Shhhhh.

Terrified, Munk yelled out to his parents in the next room.

I disappeared into the darkness. Allegedly.

Footprints in the snow revealed I tried to jump a wrought iron fence a block away, Sadly, I didn’t quite make it.

Apparently the last time I tried to vault myself over. I only got half way. getting impaled by a spike on the top of the fence.

It pierced through my pants stabbing me in the right cheek of my buttocks.

The following morning they found a small piece of what looked like gristle stuck on the top of the fence spike.

A block away, John and Margaret Mulligan’s Dogs started barking. I had tried to break into the locked shed in their backyard. a motion detector that turns on a flood light to deter small critters went on.

Alerted by the light and hearing the commotion, John Mulligan immediately called the police.

I crawled into the Mulligan’s dog house trying to hide they say.

Mulligan opened his back door yelling outside, “Who’s there!”

A strange buzzing noise was coming from the dog house.

So he yelled out again, “WHO’S OUT THERE!”

A pained voice yelled back.

“GO AWAY!”

Sporadic Buzzing continued to emanate from the dog house.

Mulligan grabbed a baseball bat.

Thankfully the police arrived, cautiously entering the backyard before dragging me out.

They gently placed me in the back of the squad car, blasting the heater,  covering me up with a blanket until paramedics arrived.

Once in the Ambulance, I was transported to the hospital.

Upon examination.

I had a cut on my forehead that didn’t require stitches. a gash on the right cheek of my rear end that did.

Thankfully I didn’t lose any fingers or toes to frostbite. remarkably, my hat and gloves stayed on throughout the ordeal. it took several days to get the feeling back in them.

I lost my wallet, the keys to our house, and no small measure of my dignity.

Having to get nine stitches in my ass while the nurses giggled, was a wee bit embarrassing.

They brought me home from the hospital today.

Tried to contact Mrs Anderson. though she hasn’t returned my calls as of yet.

Apologized to The Mulligan’s for the damage to their shed and doghouse, offering to pay them for any repairs needed.

Also apologized to Munk McPherson. which was tough, cause I can’t stand the little brat.

Nevertheless, when you’re wrong? you say you’re sorry. even if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Mostly? I feel bad for scaring The Mrs. An Amazing Woman with The Patience of a Saint.

If only I’d listened.

Once again she was proven to be correct. And for that, among other events in the evening, I feel so incredibly foolish.

We still have a lot of unanswered questions about that night.

The very last thing I can remember besides being really really cold was going next door to help an elderly neighbor shovel her driveway.

There were signs that I sat down in a pile of snow, to rest perhaps? Most likely overcome by the below freezing temperatures.

After that? it’s anybody’s guess.

Not very smart I’ll admit.

The mind works in strange ways when your body is being taxed.

I just wanted to keep the end of our driveway clear of snow?

I was really fortunate to survive.

Mother Nature is not to be trifled with.

The elements are unforgiving.

Not everyone gets a second chance.

I always loved Halloween as a kid. What’s not to love? dressing up in a costume you thought was cool? going to people’s houses and getting free stuff?

Who doesn’t like free candy? Psychotic’s, Sad People and Oppressors of Fun. That’s Who.

Living in a high-rise in the city, there is just not a lot of families with kids. mostly single people and couples having a good time trying to make kids.

I missed out on a lot of years passing out candy to trick or treaters while living in a high-rise.

Got Married and Bought a House a couple of years ago.

Now when Halloween rolls around I find myself flashing back to those youthful times of Trick or Treating.

I absolutely look forward to passing out the candy.

Figured after what went down last year? I would try to make this one memorable for the kids who come to our door.

This year, the kiddies are going to remember coming to our house. they’ll get a treat of course, they’re are also in for a few tricks.

Halloween is supposed to be a little scary, isn’t it?

I’ve always thought? you keep em guessing. No complacency on our block. I strongly suggest you pay attention. Scary things might happen. the unpredictable may occur. keep your shoelaces tied tight, and be ready.

It’s Wooooooo….Muhahaha….Halloween!

I’ve decided I would scare a few of the little critters by dressing up. I don’t want to just go with some lame costume or mask. I want to create a scene. a happening. little something they won’t forget.

Bounced some ideas around with the fellas at work. which were all shot down.

So? I’ll come up with something on my own.

I’ve got a few ideas. Though I’m not spilling the beans. it’ll wreck the surprise.

I was told some of these kids were too small to scare. the parents wouldn’t find it cute or the least bit funny if I dressed up like Michael Myers and jumped out of the bushes like last year, standing there silently, clutching a bloody cleaver to see what they would do?

As it turned out, last year? most of them cried.

It could have been a lot worse, I decided not to put on a hockey mask, smear fake blood on my shirt and run at them throwing raw hamburger meat.

I thought it sounded like a great idea. give the darlings a little scare. get their blood flowing.

I underestimated in hindsight how many freaked out kids would end up having really bad nightmares,  due to my miscalculations.

A lot of these kids today are on mood stabilizers.

How was I suppose to know that? I didn’t know? nobody told me?

Admittedly, I was a little surprised that so many youngsters would lose their water standing there on our front doorstep frozen in fear.

I didn’t have any idea how many would drop their bags of candy and cut and run screaming?

How did I know that many of the parents would absolutely freak out?

Who calls the cops on someone trying to bring joy and smiles to the little creatures of the night anyway?

I’ll tell you who. the uptight, the ungrateful. My neighbors, that’s who.

The thing that was really embarrassing, and I quite frankly couldn’t understand was? That We… Well I?…made our local paper. Right there on page 3. “Local man over does it on Halloween Pranks.”

Funny how sometimes trying to do the right thing can turn out so wrong?

Police cars were everywhere.

I counted seven at one point. Must have had every squad car in the village here. For what ?!? No one got hurt…except for the kid who got trampled by a couple of stampeding fat kids. nothing serious, just a scraped knee and a bloody nose.

Clearly parents are wound way too tight when it comes to their kids these days.

Listen, They aren’t going to change their career path because someone scared the pants off them on Halloween.

If anything? it will toughen them up! So? when they are actually confronted with their first taste of real terror years from now? they won’t curl up in a ball on the sidewalk holding their knees rocking back and forth with their thumb in their mouth!

I told the cop. “Officer? if you think about it? I was celebrating this holiday in the fashion it was meant to be celebrated, by us scaring the ever-loving crap out of each other! it’s just one night? besides? it gives these little monsters something to talk about in school the next day.”

“Hey Scooter? how about when the crazy old dude jumped out of the bushes holding that cleaver? I swear man, I thought I was going to mess my pants right there! that was awesome! and he gave out full size candy bars! I can’t wait to see what that old kook has cooked up for us next year!”

Now, thanks to some overprotective parents who think they know what’s best for their precious little angels? I have to come up with some kid friendly idea this Halloween so I don’t scare the poop out of them.

My wife suggests we go out-of-town. which I think is a bad idea. do you remember what happens to houses of people who aren’t home on Halloween? then she suggested “OK, we’ll just leave a basket of candy out on the porch with a sign that says, “Happy Halloween! please take only one piece.”

C’MON! as a kid if we saw that sign we’d empty the basket into our bags and then throw it on the roof of the offenders house.

Doesn’t everyone already know this? it’s one of life’s universal truths.

You gotta be kidding me?!? take only one? got news for you honey? no one only takes one.

Last year? I was slapping these little punks hands away from the bowl of candy all night, if they could get their grubby little digits into the bowl they were coming away with at least a fistful.

Take only one? that never….ever happens.

Some of these kids need some coaching OK?

I had way too many 6 year olds showing up to ring the door bell completely unprepared.

Last year, I’d open the door, the kid is standing there in costume, maybe some face paint on. they’d look up at me and say?……….nothing.

We’d lock into a stare down, I wouldn’t move, they wouldn’t move. I’d just look at them. they’d look at me. after what seemed like forever. I’d shrug my shoulders at them as if to say, What? What do you want kid? they’d just sigh and say?………nothing.

Say something kid. what brings you to our doorstep today? hello? anybody home in there? silence. I’d settle for anything at this point. it was more than a little disturbing.

Say something kid! anything? who cuts your hair mister? Why dontcha rake your leaves? your decorations suck.

Eventually I’d just give up waiting for the “Trick or Treat!” reach down and put the candy in their bag, and close the door.

I place the blame on the parents who instruct them not to talk to strangers.

Halloween has a set time limit. It Wasn’t always that way. Years ago, we had beggars night.

This was nothing more than the night before Halloween, you would show up in costume and hit 10 or twenty houses as a warm up. you’d be surprised at how many people would at first say, “Wait?…What?” Then, tell you to hold on a minute. Coming back with a few pieces of candy.

Occasionally you got some grump, who would stonewall you.

But if you were really Wily? You’d make up some nonsense like you were going out of town with your parents and wouldn’t be able to go trick or treating the next day. it helped if you could sell it with a sad face.

Another clever ruse was you had to help volunteer tomorrow with treat or trick for UNICEF.

How would they know? We knew they wouldn’t call UNICEF world headquarters and ask, “Yeah I’m just checking, we got some kid at the door says his name is….? what’s you name kid? he says his name is Larry Sellers he’s here tonight asking for candy telling me he’s working for your organization tomorrow? Can you confirm he’s on the list before I drop a Zagnut bar on him? He is? OK Thanks.”

The Next night on Halloween after the candy giving ends for the night. and it get’s dark? That’s when the older kids set out with mischief and mayhem on their minds.

And since I got tired of cleaning up all the mischief and mayhem off our house last year. I’ll be ready for them this year. I’m renting a police officers uniform and patrolling my yard after dark.

My friend Jocko tells me it’s a bad idea, That I could get arrested for impersonating an officer.

Doubtful it would stand up in court?

“It was just a costume your honor.”

Halloween is what you make of it.

We aren’t celebrating some religious holiday. Nor are we celebrating the birth of some national hero or great leader.

Halloween is different. there is no fear of offending some ethnic or religious group on this day.

It’s the one day every year we can put aside our differences of opinion. politics, various religious beliefs and scare the ever-loving snot out of each other.

Make no mistake about it, I don’t ever want to see anyone get hurt. nor do I encourage property damage of any kind. all I want is your psyche to be a little messed up when you get home from your trick or treat rounds.

That said, sadly there are way too many overprotective parents out there. you people know who I’m talking about?

Halloween use to be a lot more fun.

What’s happened to us? there are way too many rules now. too many constraints. you can only trick or treat between the hours of 4 and 7 pm?

“I’m sorry, it’s 7:05 and we’re having our dinner. Halloween has ended. please stop ringing our doorbell and leave our front porch immediately or I will be forced to sick the dog on you.”

And please? what is it with this? Don’t give kids anything with peanuts in it. because they might be allergic to it? boo hoo! if they are? that’s tough. that’s on you and your kid. lock that kid in a bubble at home and quit screwing this up for the rest of us!

I’ve read that 5 out of every thousand kids has a peanut allergy. something about kids today not getting outside enough to play in the dirt? too much time spent on the Computer, or in front of the TV?

OK? here’s an idea for a costume for your allergic kid. get a Hazmat suit that fits them and turn them loose. when they get home? hose them down in the garage. after that? you take their bag of candy and sort it for them? give all the peanutty stuff to someone else whose immune system won’t crash because of a snickers bar?

We are celebrating fun. Our Youth. And candy. Who doesn’t like candy? That’s right! sad people! and psychotic’s! and oppressors of fun!

Now I want you people to get out there and scare the hell out of the kids this Halloween. I will be. Woooooo! Muhahaha! Boooooooo! I don’t care if I do get arrested again. if I do happen to get pinched by the Po Po? I will be out on bail before the 10 o’clock news. As a matter of fact? I will consider this Halloween a colossal failure if I don’t hear some real screaming or see some kids running for their very lives!

Come to my house? you won’t forget it. I promise you that Sparky. You’ll thank me when you’re older. You’ll remember me. Nobody remembers the Nice Lady who hands out Milky Way’s dressed like a Fairy Princess. Or the Dad dressed like Dracula with the Charleston Chews. They remember the guy who scared the heck out of them.

That Old Guy down the street who opened the door in his robe and slippers holding an Ice cream scoop. Who asked them, “if they wanted Vanilla? or Chocolate?” and when they didn’t respond fast enough? he dropped a scoop of ice cream right into their bag.

They remember That Guy!