Humor | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do - Part 3 / Humor | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do - Part 3

Moving into a new neighborhood, one never can be exactly sure who your neighbors are going to be.

You can do advance scout work.

You can go to the street on which you hope to live and park your car at night.

Roll down the windows, listen for barking dogs or screaming children or loud disturbances that might seem out of the ordinary.

But in the end? you roll the proverbial dice, and take your chance.

It’s a bigger gamble for those who own in this regard. if you rent and get stuck next to an intolerable situation. you can break the lease, or wait a year and move when the lease runs its course. either way you can get out of dodge sooner than later. at a lot less of a cost.

When you buy? it’s a little more of a bite in the rear. you end up in most cases losing money on the deal. depending on the market of course. maybe you luck out, and the housing in your neighborhood goes up. maybe not? you’ll most likely be asked why you are selling? everyone asks that question. and no one wants to say it’s because of the kook down the street.

Maybe everyone has a Boo Radley on their block. Maybe you are the Boo Radley on your block and you just don’t know it?

Sometimes even with the best game plan possible, you might miss something. Boo Radley’s can be quiet. only showing themselves on those rare instances.

Maybe? at first you won’t see them.

Perhaps? you will hear stories. your neighbors who have lived on the street on which you have moved will start to speak of them. there won’t be any eerie music accompaniment when you get your first sighting. the Boo Radley on my street is a woman. everyone seems to have a Boo Radley story that they like to tell. neighbors on all sides of her house. people who live one street over have a story.

I had been warned, to watch out. never under any circumstance turn my back on Boo. even for a second.

I should give you a visual description. this may be why some of the neighborhood is a little uncomfortable around her. I’m guessing about 45 years old? whisper thin, pale complexion,

Her eyes are the thing that concern me. She never seems to blink. in any staring contest? Boo would destroy the competition.

When she walks? she never moves her arms. that thousand yard stare has freaked out more than a couple of the kids in the neighborhood. no kid will walk on the sidewalk in front of her house anymore. you’ll see them ride their bikes or approach her house on foot. Right before they reach her property? they veer into the street. no one ever walks on the sidewalk in front of her house. except for me. seems a wee bit unusual doesn’t it?

What are they afraid of?

There have been stories of her standing in the windows of her house for hours on end just looking out the front window, never moving, just looking out of the window. when cars drive by, her eyes follow them, when people walk by, her eyes follow them.

The house she lives in is a brick ranch. no grass in the front yard. just some dirt and several large old trees. a late-model car is parked in her driveway. home security sign prominently displayed out front. and a “no trespassing” sign on her door.

I see a light on in the front window from time to time after dark. but for the most part at night? it looks like no one is home. the mailbox next to her front door is crammed full. I’ve watched our postman deliver her mail, hustling up to the door doing the quick step, he doesn’t linger on her property. I’m guessing it’s not his favorite stop?

I know of no laws for people being odd or creepy.

Does she have some quirk’s? some think so.

She’s a little of the anti-social variety. I listened to my neighbors warnings upon moving in. “Watch out she’s a handful.” “She hates kids.” “Be careful about offering to help her shovel her driveway during heavy snow falls.” “Stay off her property.” “Don’t park your car in front of her house.” “Do not try to chat her up.”

OK? So I should just let her do her own thing? Doesn’t sound too bad to me? Some people just want to be left alone.

You never know what traumas they may have had or continue to have in their life? Maybe they are dealing with an illness or suffer from social anxiety and need medication to level things off.

I can handle that. I’ve been told by friends at times, I’m no summer breeze myself.

Her name isn’t really Boo, I call her that in the small chance…that billion to one shot, she stumbles onto this story. I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night and see her standing there looking in our windows with blood dripping from her teeth. clutching a squirrel with no head in her left hand and a holding a list of names with my name crossed out in her right!

My wife passed her house the day before the Fourth of July last year. one month after we moved in. Boo was outside watering her dirt. my bride smiled, waved and said, “Happy Fourth of July.” she turned towards my wife and muttered “F*#& the Fourth of July.” I wasn’t there. I didn’t see it or hear it. I do believe my wife’s account. she’s just not the type to make up stories like this. Perhaps Boo had a bad experience with fireworks on the fourth? maybe this is part of that social phobia thing she may have?

When my wife see’s her now? she’s polite, she will say hello, but that’s it.

Boo Hysteria was running rampant around our neighborhood. and I kept missing it.

The village in which I live, celebrated a founders day recently. This was to honor the very first residents who settled here many moons ago and were the first to call it their home. many of these founders have street’s in town named after them.

There was the usual small town celebration. pancake breakfast in the park. historical lectures and tour. an old fire truck was brought in to give rides to the local kids. the route of the fire truck went right down our street. the kids on board were between the ages of 5 -10. and kids being kids? when happy?  like to yell and scream a lot. apparently this did not please Boo Radley. by the 3rd or 4th trip? as the fire truck rounded the corner once more?

Boo appeared in her doorway. she came out of her house, walked down to the curb. most of the other neighbors were out in front of their homes waving at the screaming kids enjoying their ride. And the kids waved back. Boo did not wave. She extended both her arms and middle fingers. she didn’t shout at them, not a word passed from her lips.

I don’t think the kids on board knew what hit them? the residents out watching her sure did. but then? no one had the gumption to say anything to her. once the fire truck passed. she slowly turned around and went back into her house. closing the door. as calm as someone is when they go out to pick up their morning newspaper.

No one believed me when I shared the story at work. I’ve had more than one of my neighbors tell me that they witnessed it firsthand.

Still? I wasn’t so sure…..at first.

I’ve always liked to think everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. People are just too quick to judge others. just because someone behaves in a manner that is? Well? is a little odd to some. everyone is capable of a bad day. right?

Haven’t you ever done something you wish you hadn’t? that you later regretted? we all have a few skeletons in our closets. don’t we? C’mon now? tell the truth.

The more I heard the tales. The more I thought, Wow? it’s like the villagers in “Frankenstein” with their torches! wanting to storm the castle. wanting to destroy what they were afraid of, odds are, at least one or two in that crowd had to be thinking, “I don’t know? Hans? are we sure we want to burn down this guys house? I don’t even know him?”

I remember the day that my mind changed. The day Boo turned on me.

Walking home from work. I passed her house, As fate would have it, Boo had come outside to take her garbage to the curb for our weekly neighborhood pickup.

Having had a difficult day at the office, I wasn’t thinking clearly. my mind wandering on the days events as I passed her.

It just slipped out, accidentally. I swear! it was….an accident.

I said, “Hey Boo.” I just kept moving, until I heard behind me. “What the F*#% did you call me?”

Stopping in my tracks, I turned to face her, scrambling to recover. in my panic I couldn’t remember her real name? shit shit shit, What the hell is her name?

I broke into a Jackie Gleason “Hamana Hamana Hamana.”

She snapped. charging at me, was on me before I had time to react. I fell backwards. she pounced, Screaming. “I KNOOOOOO OOOOOH YOOOOO ARRR!”

You’re never supposed to hit a lady, right? of course not! Never under any circumstances. it wasn’t like she was trying to stab me in the leg with a pair of broken rusty scissors. So I just pushed her off. ran to our house. made it to the door. key in hand.

I don’t know if she chased after me? I got inside, slamming the door behind. looking out the peephole. nothing.

Then, I went around the house making sure all the doors and windows were locked up tight.

That night? I slept with one eye open.

I haven’t told anyone what happened that fall evening. Until now.

These Days? I try not to make eye contact with her. I walk in the street like the kids on the block. hoping she’s willing to let bygones be bygones.

Perhaps? I should have been a little more careful. I didn’t mean to call her Boo?

It just slipped out.

Everyone has a Boo Radley on their block.

Maybe you’re the Boo Radley on your block and you just don’t know it?

Maybe I’m the Boo Radley?

You never know who your neighbors are going to be.

We all roll the dice.

What is your kid going as for Halloween this year?

How about you? What did you go as when you were a kid?

Kids Halloween costumes today?

Are you kidding me?

It seems like there is no thought put into it anymore. every little girl is a princess and every little boy a ninja.

After a kid turns 12 years old? they’re on the verge of hanging up the trick or treating for good. the costume selection process goes right out the window. when it should go into overdrive.

Let’s go kid?!

You’re a little older now, got a few more life experiences. put some forethought into that costume, some imagination, Will ya?

Your career as a trick or treater is almost over.

Very soon, You will be going into forced retirement.

No self-respecting kid goes trick or treating once they hit high school. you’d get teased by your friends. Not to mention the houses you attempt to get candy from? will shun you.

“Can I see some Identification Kid? What’s that? Left it at home huh? Sorry, I’m going to have to deny you candy from my domicile. We believe you to be too old for this sort of thing anymore. Shouldn’t you be chasing the skirts around school instead of engaging in this sort of behavior? You have passed through the looking-glass Alice. There is just no more free candy for you. I’m afraid? it’s over. Don’t you let me catch you coming around here anymore ya hear me!”

You’ll spot those on the cusp trick or treaters. every year a couple show up at your door.

Notice the changes in their body language? it appears their hearts just aren’t as into it as they use to be?

“What happened to you kid? You use to be so full of life? Now look at you?”

Last year I had two young men I think were about 12 or 13 show up at the door. the first kid had a Michigan State stadium blanket over his head so you couldn’t see his face. one hand extended from underneath it and in a high pitch girly voice I hear, “tricks or treats.” followed by what seemed like 7 minutes of giggling.

A blanket? C’mon buddy? that’s the best you got? his friend standing next to him is in a complete full blue body stocking. all he did was grunt.

I’m not sure if they were kidding? or high as a kite? They stood there extending their hands to a row of bushes on the side of our house. I wanted to throw a bucket of water on the both of them. it’s a miracle that they even made it to our front door.

“Stop That Giggling!”

I should of handed each of them a roll of reflective tape. just in case they happened to accidentally walk into traffic later that night.

I decided that this was the parents responsibility. not mine. Tonight? I’m just the candy giver.

I really do like seeing kids enjoy themselves on Halloween.

Some of them seemed really excited to get the candy.

When it comes to their costume? not as much excitement. some are shy, I forget that.

It’s about the kids enjoyment on Halloween. Right?

One costume I do enjoy every year is the “Hot Mommy.” who is dressed in a cute costume escorting their little boy or girl on their rounds.

Talk about upstaging your kid? Mom?!?

Some of these Mom’s either have no idea what they’re doing?…….or…….quite possibly? they know exactly what they’re doing.

You be the judge.

You’ll see the mom in a kitty outfit, a cheerleaders uniform, or dressed like little red riding hood.

Ladies….Ladies…what in the wide wide world of sports is going on here?

Last Year one mom showed up in a french maid outfit with her kid. as I looked past her, I could see the husband standing out on our front sidewalk giving me the stink eye. holding the leash of the biggest Great Dane I’d ever seen.

I waved to him, he didn’t wave back. So, I gave him a double thumb’s up.

Look Daddy-O? I didn’t dress your wife up like this? if you didn’t want her out getting ogled by the men folk in the neighborhood. then get her out of those fish net stockings and that short skirt and for goodness sakes? put some pants on her!

What am I, a monk? I don’t answer the door dressed like Tarzan with my Johnson hanging out. Do I? No….I do not. The Mrs. simply wouldn’t approve.

Yet, Every Halloween? The Hot Mommies show up at our doorstep. I wonder what would of happened if I gave candy to the Mom’s instead? just ignored the kid?

That Dad with the Great Dane would of sick the dog on me for sure.

Every Halloween Kids are told to do what they are told not to do every other day of the year.

First, they have the go ahead to talk to strangers.

“Wait? What? talk to that weird guy who’s house you want me to stay away from?

Mom? Dad? did I do something to make you mad?”

Second, after telling me to never ever take candy from strangers.

“It’s OK? Really? but you told me to never ever do that?”

Lastly, they are also encouraged to dress up in something that the parents might not normally approve of.

How many other days of the year do kids get free rein? as a kid you’ve just got to take advantage of that.

It’s make-believe, you can dress up and pretend you are anyone on Halloween. you can blame the bad behavior on the costume, probably get away with it in most cases. but these kids today don’t seem to care. why is that?

It’s not only about the candy. you’ll see that when get to my age.

I didn’t know you needed a permit to cut down a tree?

We should have been more observant. buyers beware. we didn’t know? if we had? we might have tried to work the tree removal into the cost of our house. sometimes, you overlook the little stuff.

On the day we moved in, I stepped out into our backyard to soak up our new purchase. this was both my wife and my first home.

I looked to my left and saw a woman about 60 to 65 years old watering her flowers. she smiled at me. It wasn’t difficult to offer up a warm smile in return. I extended my hand over our common fence and said, “Hi! I’m Robert your new neighbor.”

She took my hand, shook it and said in one breath. “Hi! I’m Linda….Did you know your tree is dead and is going to fall on my roof? you really should think about taking it down.”

I turned and looked up at the tree, then back to her. “I……?” she went on with a concerned tone, “I think it’s got the Emerald Ash Borer? The Village Forrester can confirm that for you. You should get a quote about having it removed.”

I continued to smile, nodding at her. “I will be sure to do that, umm? thanks. well?” clapping my hands together. “It’s very nice to meet you, I better go see how the movers are doing?” I turned around walked back into the house.

My wife was unpacking a box in the kitchen. “I can’t wait to meet our new neighbors.” she said smiling at me. I looked at her and thought yeah? well? at least one of them can’t wait to meet you.

One week after we moved in I got to work, first I would need to do some prep work. I got the Village Forrester out to confirm in fact that the tree was dead. during his visit, he never said a word to me about getting a village permit to remove the tree.

I had been living in the concrete jungle for the past 17 years. how was I suppose to know you needed such a thing?

Someone told me, I could save a few bucks cutting down the tree myself. seeing as how we had just plopped down a decent chunk of coin on a down payment on our house. I figured, I got this. how hard is it to cut down a tree? I see them do it all the time on that Discovery channel show American Loggers.

Our backyard is more wide than it is deep. so taking this tree down which was at least 40 feet tall. I figured? that with a circumference of about a foot and a half to maybe 2 feet? I needed to take it out piece by piece.

Certainly didn’t want it to fall on our house. my wife pleaded with me to hire a professional, I did get some quotes. the local companies wanted around 3 to 5 grand to remove it. cheapest quote I got was for about half of that, and we’d have to wait about 2 months before they could fit us into their schedule. I didn’t want to pay the 3 to 5 grand, or wait for 2 month’s to get it removed.

A lot can happen in that time.

You can find a lot of do-it yourself information on the internet these days. after doing my research I was completely confident I could handle this job. so I got to measuring my backyard and plot the path of the tree coming down. very important piece of information for any of you attempting this type of job.

We live in an older part of town in our village so the lot sizes are tight. we have our privacy as there are lots of mature trees on our property. I found that I could rent a chainsaw by the hour, day or week. I would also need to rent tree climbing spurs. as it would be necessary to prune the upper branches first before cutting the trunk. the trick is to stay off the branches as they can be rotted out on a dead tree. some of them were on ours. carrying a saw with you up into the tree is a delicate act in and of itself. one must be extremely careful.

Do I sound like I know what I’m doing? I do? Really?

Turns out I got some of it exactly right. problem is in taking down a tree of this size you need to get all of it right. the smallest miscalculation is not good. once a tree starts to fall? there is no way to stop it. no way at all. No do overs.

How was I suppose to know that the tree wouldn’t fall the way I had planned? The speed and velocity of the tree coming down on her roof was incredible. I truly underestimated the strength of its impact. it happened so fast. CRACK! BOOM! Lucky for me. Linda wasn’t home. Her cat was however. But he’s not talking. No one has seen Mr. Scruffles since. I’m pretty confident he escaped. as they didn’t find any squashed cat remains in the house when they went in to survey the damage.

Linda as you can imagine wasn’t too pleased when she got home and saw what I’d done to her home. it was exactly as she said. the tree fell on her roof.

“I’m pretty sure the tree was there first?” I told her.

“You may not have built the house? but you did decide to purchase it from the prior owner and live there knowing full well that there were trees in the vicinity? and you were the one who left your cat home alone unattended.”

She pulled out her cell phone, “You are in a lot of trouble buddy.”

“Linda? if you remember? I was only doing what you asked me to, cut down the tree before it….”she finished my sentence. …..”falls on my house? YOU IDIOT! Look At What You’ve Done!”

About the time she was taking me to task, she realized her cat was inside. that’s when she stopped yelling.

“My Cat.”

Immediately I tried to diffuse the horror of what may have happened by reassuring her.

“I’m sure its fine?….I couldn’t hear any meowing inside after the impact.”

If it was in peril it would make a noise, right?

Then I offered to buy her a new cat if Mr. Scruffles isn’t found? she started to dial.

In a half hour, I had gotten three calls, one from her attorney. one from her insurance company. and one from the village. then the police stopped by. I still think she over-reacted a little. after all? she got what she wanted, took the tree down? Didn’t I?

Honestly I didn’t know you needed a permit to cut down a tree.

We got all of the insurance settlements expedited, all of our other legal issues? were thankfully handled out of court.

I’ve told the village that I was still more than willing to pay for the permit to remove the tree.

It’s been little over a year and a half now since the mishap. Linda’s house has been fixed, looks pretty good. new roof, new bedroom wall, new fence, so? all is well. except for the I told you so’s from my wife, and the cold looks I still get from my next door neighbor.

Maybe one day Linda will forgive me? I’m not such a bad guy? given the chance, I can be really neighborly.

I’m just trying to fit in here. It’s not as easy as you’d think.

The sign said, Ice Cold Lemonade 75 cents.

Seemed a little high for a lemonade stand. I stopped my car anyway. ordering a glass from a little girl about 6 or 7 years old who appeared to be in charge.

Look? nobody likes to be taken advantage of…especially me. I don’t care if it’s a Telemarketer, a Car Salesman or a 7 year old kid hustling watered down lemonade at 75 cents a pop. fair is fair. right is right. Unbelievably everything about this kids stand was wrong.

Where do I begin?

It tasted funny, not the least bit sweet or tart. clearly a bad product.  The presentation was all wrong. the table top was a mess. she was holding a dirty rag to wipe it with, but it wasn’t in use when I walked up. immediately I was convinced it was overpriced for what she was selling. and even though? I can’t prove it. I’ll bet she stirred it with her dirty little fingers.

The lemonade was lukewarm, it wasn’t ice cold as advertised. there wasn’t any ice that I could see anywhere. in the glass or in the pitcher.

I told her it was simple. Either give me a fresh one in a clean glass with some ice or give me back my money. she tried to the give me the bum’s rush. it was at this moment her mom came out of the house. she could sense some tension and asked her daughter.

“Is Everything OK Sweetie?”

I interrupted,

“Everything would be fine, as long as I get another one with some ice.”

The kid told her mommy that,

“He didn’t like the Lemonade.”

I said that was correct and explained why.

I felt like I was getting ripped off, that if I wanted another one? I had to give her another 75 cents?

The mom laughed at me like I was nuts. at this point I decided I didn’t want another glass. this transaction had gotten way out of hand. I just wanted my money back.

That’s when the little girl started to cry.

The mom asked, “Are You Happy Now?” to which I responded, “No I’m not, all I want is my money back.”

I let them know, I could call the village and report them? as I do not see a permit? or a license to operate a beverage stand?

That’s when the kid really started bawling. and said to me, “You’re Mean.” to which I replied, “Oh Yeah? Well?…You’re a Bad Business…Person and Your Lemonade Stinks! How long have you been doing this?” her mother then scolded me with, “That’s Enough!” over her little girls response of “All Summer.”

Then?!? she stuck her tongue out at me. while the mom continued with, “What is the matter with you?!?”

I was only trying to help instruct her daughter on how to run a business properly. If you want to do something? Do it right. which unfortunately made the kid cry more. that’s when mom informed me that I should open my own stand if I felt that way. I told her, “If I did? My stand would crush theirs and put them out of business.”

Silence and Dirty Looks were exchanged.

I decided it was time to leave. refund or not, what’s done is done. I just wanted to forget the whole thing. so I left.

A couple of days later there was a knock on our door. I opened it to find the father standing there holding his little girls hand.

He asked me if what he’d heard was true? I said there had clearly been a huge misunderstanding here.

His eyes narrowed.

He wanted me to apologize to his daughter. I tried to explain my position to him, and flatly refused to apologize. I felt I had done nothing wrong? Dad was not happy with me. I could tell by his expression. then he asked me “If I wanted to step outside? Where we could settle this like Men.” I told him, “We could settle it…We could settle it in court if he’d like?” and closed the door in their face.

I couldn’t prove it of course, but the next morning I found that someone? had yanked out all of our flowers in the front yard by the roots. The kids in the neighborhood have started calling me sourpuss and lemon head. and someone keeps ringing our doorbell and running away. I also have found several lemons left in our mailbox.

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.

This incident thankfully never made it to court, I’m happy to report. I’d like to think that cooler heads have prevailed.

In the end, This seemed to be a simple case of bad parenting.

Which is easy for me to say. I don’t have any kids of my own. Though, if I did? you can be damn sure that if they did open a business? They would be prepared with the proper knowledge and resources to succeed. it’s a tough business world out there.

I believe you should give your kids the tools they need to survive. I don’t care how old they are?

I haven’t seen her around lately.

My wife has requested that I stay away from her.

If I do see her? I’m suppose to look the other way. turn the other cheek. rise above it. I don’t know about all that.

I simply won’t stoop to her level.

I Guess I should have been suspicious.

It was a first date. We went to a movie, and afterwards she invited me back to her folks house where she offered to cook me something to eat. I was enjoying her company and happily accepted.

She proceeded to fix me a Basic Burger. No Frills, Just Meat and the Bun.

No Big Thing Right? (buzzer sounds) Wrong!

When she put down the plate in front of me I started looking around the room for the hidden camera. This had to be “Candid Camera” and Allen Funt was going step out at any minute to let me in on the joke.

What was before me looked like a hunk of charcoal. She had Burnt The Burger, The Bun, I truly believe she’d have Burnt The Plate if it had been possible. but of course, you let that go…It was a First Date. and everyone deserves a second chance.

What I’ll never understand was her Mom was world class when it came to cooking…Aren’t Italians suppose to pass down those recipes through the generations to preserve them?

It’s a good thing she had three sisters who were all excellent cooks. everyone of them while maybe not as good as the Mother excelled in various Italian Pasta Dishes, Appetizers & Pastries. why one of her sisters was Legally Blind! But she was a really good cook.

My Gal? She tried Baking. But apparently she missed the part of the lesson that told you to grease the pan you were using.

She tried….don’t get me wrong. Lord knows she tried. She tried to bake brownies or cakes on occasion. Most of those lab experiments ended up Burnt and Stuck to the Pan. and the only way it was coming out was with a Jackhammer or possibly some Dynamite.

I remember she’d get so frustrated when trying to prepare something. And this was a Smart Woman. Book Smart that is, not Cooking Smart.

It was time to face the facts.

I had married Thag The Cavewoman. she knew how to make fire…just not what to do with it.

My own Mother would ask me from time to time what my wife made for dinner. I’d reply, “Reservations.” (rim shot) that’s an old joke I know, but for me it was true. we ate out a lot. Whenever she’d ask if I wanted to go over to her Mom and Dads for dinner. before she even said, “do you want to have dinner at my mom and…I’d interrupt with, “Yes, oh yes Please, can we?”

The only thing she ever cooked correctly was by Accident. It was on Thanksgiving in 1990.

She had insisted on preparing Thanksgiving Dinner for the whole family. I held my breath and my tongue. We bought a large Turkey.

You know those little red buttons that pop up in the Turkey to let you know the bird is done? Well…It seems that after stuffing the bird she placed it upside down in the pan in the oven, so the red button was underneath it.

I started to sense something was wrong when a short time before dinner was to be served. I walked into our kitchen where she and her older sister were trying to flip the bird over.

Word got out.

The entire family held their collective breath.

In my head alarms were going off. “Oh My God What Has She Done Now! We’re Screwed, No Turkey on Thanksgiving?!? You gotta be Kidding Me.” I slowly backed out of the room pretending not to know any of them.

Who are you people and what have you done to my Turkey!!!

Turns out once Birdzilla was flipped back to the proper position all those juices reversed direction thereby making it one succulent Bird.

Hey, even a Blind Squirrel can find an Acorn, I guess. but that would be the high water mark when it came to cooking for my wife.

She’s gone now, we divorced in 1994.

She went on to marry someone else. Maybe she learned how to cook? Maybe she didn’t?

Maybe somewhere out there in America tonight is a guy with a Major Belly Ache.

And this evening when I say my prayers before bedtime. I’ll Thank God it’s Not Me.