Humor | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do / Humor | Well That's a Fine How Do You Do

Dark winter evening, fierce windy outside the pubs door. Two men sit across from each other engaged in lively banter. Empty Pint Glasses fill the table. A warm fire cast a glow in the room. 

Jimmy: If Jimmy Healy was dead, he’d be turning in his grave. but he’s not dead, so he isn’t.

Tommy: Don’t start Jimmy Healying me now.

Jimmy: Was tha 40 year ago?

Tommy: Thief! Sold him a bag of the herb in secondary school.

Jimmy: Here we go…

Tommy: ….Said he’d pay me tomorrow. Bastard! avoiding me ever since.

Jimmy: Oh he’s not avoiding ya on the count of tha.

Tommy: Ya mean that business with his sister?

Jimmy: Your business with his sister is your own business.

Tommy: Who has the better life the town crow or the country crow?

Jimmy: Careful now, crows hold grudges and never forget a face.

Tommy: I’ll not say anything bad about crows.

Jimmy: Treat crows well.

Tommy: Yer man Jimmy Healy reminds me of a crow, the shite.

Jimmy: Looks at ya like a crow lookin inta a bag a crisps.

Tommy: Tha Bastard.

Jimmy: Grab that crow, grab it wit both of yer hands, like a burglar, Hold it above yer head and Run!

Tommy: Think I’m going mad. 

Jimmy: Going?

Tommy: And Charles Manson is gone.

Jimmy: Wasn’t he in The Great Escape?

Tommy: Wha? No….killed all those people in California in the 60’s.

Jimmy: Charles Bronson killed people in California?

Tommy: No, in the fillums.

Jimmy: You ar going mad.

Tommy: Look around, Feels like it sometimes.

Jimmy: Wha bout Kelly? Since his stroke, hows he been eh? poor bastard.

Tommy: Don’t know how he does it. Bad hand, bad fookin hand,

Jimmy: Not shar wha I’d do.

Tommy: Pray ya never do lad, pray. All he does is sleep an sit in front of the Telly.

Jimmy: Telly? Tha mans eyes an hearing are shite.

Tommy: That’s why he sits in front of it.

Jimmy: Sits in front of wha?

Tommy: Have ya been listening to anything I’ve said?

Jimmy: Wha?

Tommy: Have ya heard about Mulligans Mrs Sleep walking?

Jimmy: Wha’s Happened? Is there trouble?

Tommy: She wakes him up constantly, her screaming in her sleep every night. Very unsettling, says he.

Jimmy: Screaming is it? Sound asleep then?

Tommy: Screaming.

Jimmy: Unsettling.

Tommy: That’s what I said.

Jimmy: What’s Tha?

Tommy: Ran around with Jimmy Healy for a time. Mulligan never knew.

Jimmy: Sneaky Bastard, herself no good either, no wonder she’s walking the house at night screaming.

Tommy: Can ya imagine what’d Mulligan do to him if he finds out?

Jimmy: Good thing she’s not talking in her sleep too.

Tommy: Wha? no no no. sleep walking, not talking.

Jimmy: Bastard, Does she even know what she’s getting herself into?

Tommy: Do any of us really truly know?

Jimmy: I know enough to not get involved with a married woman.

Tommy: Ah so you’re the one.

Jimmy: I am

Tommy: He’s got another Molly I hear, Face like a cats hole.

Jimmy: Who?

Tommy: Who?!? Jimmy Healy!

Jimmy: Once the two of them sober up, it’ll sort itself out I’m thinking.

Tommy: Last one was gone before she had time to move in.

Jimmy: Hasn’t he been married 4 times?

Tommy: Impetuous

Jimmy: That wild look in their eyes is there for a reason. 

Tommy: Maybe get to know her a little first?

Jimmy: Tha how they put it these days?

Tommy: You got to know several in yer day….didn’t cha lad?

Jimmy: Many have vouched for the veracity…of, of, of….lets just call it my character.

Tommy: Voracity? Heard people give it a name before, Usually….Mickey, The Manky One or Willy.

Jimmy: Manky?

Tommy: Tha Jimmy Healy is a Manky Bastard.

Jimmy: Himself, married 4 times? 4 times! wha is tha hurry? 

Tommy: Don’t have to commit to anything before yer ready. Sleep on it. Make yer decision with a clear head, and a full eh….? eh?….stomach.

Jimmy: May you marry in haste and repent at leisure.

Tommy: May you marry a woman who blows wind like a stone from a sling.

Jimmy: An himself? Naw, no prize there. 

Tommy: The sea wouldn’t give him a wave.

Jimmy: Himself and his ways. 

Tommy: There’ll be heat to your arse yet Jimmy Healy.

Jimmy: Wish him a quick trip to hell.

Tommy: That you may die roaring like Doran’s ass.

Jimmy: May the lamb of god stir his hoof through the roof of heaven and kick you in the arse down to hell.

Tommy: The crows’ curse on you. Blast You to Hell!

Setting: Exterior of a pub in the Irish Countryside. above the door, a wooden sign that reads,

The Chipped Tooth.

Today is a Fierce Hot Late Summer Afternoon.

An imposing Figure approaches it’s door. as he reaches for it’s handle, it opens to revel a smaller man.

Tommy: Gwan git yerself into dis here queue lad.

Jimmy: Aiye Tom.

Tommy: Ya Big Footed Galute. Where is it ya been keeping yer self? How ar yas?

Jimmy: Puttin out fires at home Tom, putting da out fires.

Tommy: As we all are lad, as we all are. Heard ya took some stitches last week, how’s the mouth?

Jimmy: She’s home with the young wans.

Tommy: Sit down, you have the look of a man that needs a pint.

Tommy rises from his seat at the table, heads to the bar to order for his friend.

Jimmy drops into the snug. Tommy returns with Two pints of plain.

Tommy: Ya look terrible. tell me yer troubles lad. What’s happened?

Jimmy: Don’t know where to start.

Tommy: Don’t make me drag it out of ya.

Jimmy: I’m not a well man Tom.

Tommy: What’s wrong?

Jimmy: High Blood Pressure, Thyroid Problems, Stomach Turning. I’m Not Sleeping Well. Headaches, My Feet, My Back, My Left Shoulder is a Fookin Mess.

Tommy: I’m so sorry.

Jimmy: Ya haven’t even heard the worst of it.

Tommy: Jaysus, not the worst of it is it? I know I’m gonna regret this, what worse than tha?

Jimmy: I’m seeing things Tommy.

Tommy: Things? Wha things?

Jimmy: Banshees.

Tommy: Wha?! Banshees?!?

Jimmy: Last Friday night. Scared the bejesus out of me. Haven’t slept right since. Keeping me up ta all hours.

Tommy: You can’t be serious.

Jimmy: This is No laughing matter Tom.

Tommy: Slow down lad, slow yerself down. Now, Did ya see it….or hear it?

Jimmy: What does it matter?

Tommy: Matters greatly, if in ya only heard you’re better off. Now if ya saw it? Well then that’s a different matter altogether. Pack yer bags man.

Jimmy: Banshee is a Banshee Tom.

Tommy: True, True. Don’t get me wrong, Hear a Banshee? Is unsettling to be sure. Though ya see one? Well then….one who sees one is doomed.

Jimmy: Shite.

Tommy: Ar ya sure ya wasn’t hearing tha young couple next door having a go?

Jimmy: Sure it wasn’t them. Heard a commotion coming from the closet in da bedroom.

Tommy: What did it sound like?

Jimmy: A Wailing.

Tommy: Was it Screaming or Moaning?

Jimmy: I already told yas….Ya Eejit! Wailing sound, Wha in the hell is da difference? Ar ya not listening to me?

Tommy: Calm down. Screaming or Wailing is something to fear. Moaning? maybe she’s in some kind of distress?

Jimmy: Dats all I need, a moaning banshee tha needs help. For fucks sake, I got enough problems.

Tommy: Sounds like ya got a barrow full.

Jimmy: Big help you are. What am I gonna do?

Tommy: Move da fuck outta da house. Sell it. Just go.

Jimmy: How do you suggest I tell me Mrs and The Children?

Tommy: Ah they don’t know yet?

Jimmy: Course not, They’d never believe me.

Tommy: I see what ya mean. Not sure I believe ya neither.

Jimmy: I’m not lying, on me mothers grave , I saw it, pointed right at me. Threw her hairbrush at me.

Tommy: That’s a curse lad.

Jimmy: Don’t I know it.

Tommy: Jaysus, Mary and Joseph. Yer health problems are the least of your worries. Banshees.

Jimmy: What do I do, no one will believe it.

Tommy: Calm yourself, and listen carefully lad. Everything we hear is an opinion. Not a fact. Everything we see is perspective. Not the truth.

Jimmy: Where’d ya hear tha?

Tommy: Tha fella use to predict the future….Nosferatu.

Jimmy: Have ya ever seen one?

Tommy: Seen a share of shite in my day. Never a banshee.

Jimmy: Is it possible the best days ar over and done with. That what’s left for me is only this, The banshee is here for a reason.

Tommy: Have ya ever thought that maybe, just maybe, your best days right now are The best days? You’ve six brilliant kids, Lovely wife, What if These are The Best Days of Our Lives?

Jimmy: Have ya not been listening?

Tommy: I have. You’re sick, Ya got a banshee up in the closet of your bedroom who’s throwing hairbrushes at ya. I’m only trying to point out tha maybe. You’re not seeing the big picture.

Jimmy: Picture Wha? I’ll be lucky to make it through the weekend.

Tommy: Stop it, time is short, no one gets outta here alive. Make the best of it. Drink up, Inhale deeply, Go home and confront that fookin banshee. Give the Mrs a good ride. Open that closet door and let that banshee have a good look at the two of yas. If in she can’t see she’s made a mistake. Then face it right square in the face. Make your peace, You’ve done the best ya can. Remember all you’ve done. Be thankful you’re not poor Ol Muldoon. Ya remember what happened ta him, haven’t ya?

Jimmy: I have, Poor bastard.

Tommy: You’ve been dealt a bad hand, and have to play it. It’s just one hand. They’ll be others.

Jimmy: Ahh Tom, Sure ya know yerself, I’m late in da game, not sure how many hands I have left. on top of it all these medicines I’m taking, can’t remember which ones I took and which I haven’t? Five different pills, Five. Seven if ya count da vitamins. can’t keep up with it all. been a stretch since I’ve had a happy day, I know, I know it’s a choice they say. not so sure anymore. All these medications, numbing people so they can keep producing, keep working, at what cost Tom? at what cost? people so jacked up they don’t sleep anymore, can’t sleep. what if these medications are making me see things? 

Tommy: That’s it then, all these medications combined are making ya see things. stop taking em, talk to your doctor. 

Jimmy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of woman’s knickers placing it on the table in front of them.

Jimmy: How do you explain this then?

Tommy: Don’t tell me….

Jimmy nods

Tommy: Jaysus, The Banshees knickers is it?

Jimmy silently lowers his head in his hands,

Tommy: We’re gonna need another couple of pints here.

Characters

Tommy Doyle, mid-sixties

Jimmy O’Leary, mid-sixties

Place 

Pub in Ireland.

As the evening sun goes down.

Two men sit at a table, coupla pints between em.

Jimmy Who found him?

Tommy Da Kelly widah. on da side of the road.

Jimmy Was he already gone already when she got to him?

Tommy Dead as a dodo.

Jimmy Tis Fierce Warm.

Tommy It’s Fierce Early. Ya?

Jimmy Aiye.

Tommy I was going to mow the lawn today. Maybe I’ll just wait until it burns?

Jimmy Ders no sign or notice of Muldoon’s funeral. Are they incinerating him?

Tommy Dunno.

Jimmy Would ya be buried or burnt?

Tommy Buried.

Jimmy Why’s tha?

Tommy What iffa we find hundreds of years from now, some advanced Alien race comes to Ireland ta resurrect those poor old souls whose lives were cut short too soon?

Jimmy How’ll they do tha?

Tommy Dunno? Der intelligence has to be far superior to ar’s.. My point is…iffing yar burnt, they have nothing to work with, do they now?

Jimmy Hundreds of years being buried? what’s left of ya to work with anyways?

Tommy Dunno? old bones mostly. Shar, they’re still pulling up dinosaurs bones n’ mummies from time to time.

Jimmy Dinosaurs? Ya fooking Eegit. Why is it them aliens haven’t resurrected the dinosaurs or mummies yet then?

Tommy Dunno? Perhaps they have a reason? Upsets the natural balance of things. Could happen. who knows wha’s out there? certainly something smarter.

Jimmy Well? Ol Muldoon wouldn’t be first choice to be bringin back now would he? He wouldn’t give ya da itch if he had twenty bags of it.

Tommy Ar ya goin to da mass.

Jimmy Shar, Shar.

Tommy  Even wit da guitars?

Jimmy The day they let the guitar in the mass was a bitter day for us all.

Tommy ‘Twas.

Jimmy What was da name of da nun when we were lads?

Tommy Ehh? Sister?…eh…Sister? Sister……Placenta!

Jimmy Placenta? No you!  Ya eegit. She had bad eyes. Wan lookin at ya, and wan lookin for ya. Use to fall asleep in class. Narcoleptic.

Tommy Was it Sister Innocenta?

Jimmy Innocenta…..That’s her!

Tommy I threw an eraser at her wan time when she went inta her trance. Tree months cleaning da blackboards as punishment. She had it in for me.

Jimmy They all had it in for yas.

Tommy A wild size of a woman. She couldn’t clap hands. She was that fat. Use to hit herself in da side a da face with her wan hand.

Jimmy I can smell the rain coming. Shame about Muldoon. Don’t like the idea he was alone.

Tommy Ah, Here. We all go dat way.

Jimmy On da side a da road?

Tommy Alone…..ya eegit.

Jimmy Will da brother be coming in for the funeral?

Tommy Doubtful? he’s in Iceland.

Jimmy Iceland Ya?

Tommy Got himself a job milking polar bears in Reykjavik.

Jimmy Hows tha?

Tommy For the zoo ya EE-git. He’s not doing it for kicks. He’s helping with the breeding of em.

Jimmy Wha?!? Breeding em?

Tommy Assisting….he’s not…..look…stop saying tha…….Jaysus!

Jimmy It’s none of me business wha he’s doin. I Just Hope he’s being careful?

Tommy Last time I saw Muldoon. He had a big ol hearing aid on. I’d swear it had a diesel engine on it. you’d want good hearing to hear through that fucker.

Jimmy His Maam and Da ar long since gone. is der any other family?

Tommy Sister named Sharon? awful tongue in her head. The family was blighted. Ahh Poor Ol Muldoon, He was a man you don’t meet everyday.

Jimmy Knew exactly how many grains in a bushel of wheat.

Tommy A well known agitator. Was proud to call him my friend.

Jimmy He couldn’t stand the sight of ya.

Tommy There’s the rain now. That’ll keep the dust down.

Jimmy It’ll be as wet as a duck’s foot soon.

Tommy Damp as an otters pocket.

Jimmy Passed a wild pile of wimman on da way over.

Tommy Wha’s that?

Jimmy Wimman I said. didn’t spare the varnish either. Had he been ill?

Tommy Who?

Jimmy Who? Muldoon!

Tommy Looked healthy to me, who can tell? feeling awright one minute, eternally resting on da side of da road da next.

Jimmy Aiye. until they come to collect ya.

Tommy ‘Tis awful, poor ol Muldoon. I’ll miss him.

Jimmy What about his former Missus?

Tommy Moved to Galway. Muldoon told me she blamed him for not getting her pregnant. never could accept that it was her that prevented them from having wee wans.

Jimmy So?

Tommy So? She left him. Fell in love with some professor fella, moved to Galway where they live today wit der 2 adopted children.

Jimmy ‘Tis Awful.

Tommy Destroyed him. takin to the drink fierce. Renouncing the church, after they found him to be at fault by the tribunal hearing da annulment.

Jimmy Wha? Is that all then?

Tommy It is.

Jimmy Jaysus.

Tommy You’ll remember? Ol Muldoon didn’t work t’all.  4-5 years ’twas. And him not on the dole? Fierce proud man. Wouldn’t accept any charity. His Mrs had enough of em. What, Wit da fertility issues and him not workin? provided just the out with da church allowing her to remarry.

Jimmy Poor Ol Muldoon.

Tommy Ah well? he got over it. was quite popular with the ladies for a time.

Jimmy Aiye Ol Muldoon…..find a clitoris in a haystack.

Tommy Not anymore.

Jimmy No, Never no more.

Tommy I’d like to find a clitoris. doesn’t have to be in a haystack either. have ya seen any about?

Jimmy I told yas, wild pack of em. headed this way. fix yer face princess.

Tommy I Wish he was here, I’ll miss him.

Jimmy Aiye, I will as well.

Tommy Poor ol Muldoon. Gave her everything he could for as long as he could. Til he had nothing left ta give her. right big sap, the sacred vows meant nothing. Sad, Never liked her.

Jimmy She felt da same way bout ya.

Tommy Wha’s tha?

Jimmy Sad I said.

Tommy Aiye.

Jimmy Well? best be gettin home then. Cowld as an eskimos arse out.

Tommy It’s as cowld as a ministers visit.

Jimmy Cowld as a trouts hole.

Tommy Cowld as a hoors heart.

Jimmy Goodnight to ya. Go right home ya squint.

Tommy Where else?

Jimmy Stay off da side of da road.

Tommy Words to live by.

________________

Trees up and down our block were filled with toilet paper.

Garbage cans overturned in the street. grass bags gutted. mailboxes knocked off their hinges, lawn art destroyed.

An old woman wearing rhinestone rimmed glasses stood in her front yard weeping into her hands.

The remains of a bird house lay in shambles at her feet.

Someone had knocked it down?

She and her father had built it when she was just a little girl.

Now? it was gone. with it, a sweet memory of time spent together.

Lois Ahnya removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes.

We all knew who did it.

It was those Macgillycuddy Bastards.

I’d dealt with these two before.

Troublemakers. make no mistake about it.

Rocks, bottles, bricks, boards and bats were the instruments of their trade.

If you had a son or daughter the age of these boys? You spent the better part of your day dodging em.

Not an easy thing to do when you’re from a small village.

Timmy Macgillycuddy , younger of the two boys. Shifty eyes, mean, cunning. I wish I could say he was highly intelligent. but that would be a lie. he was trouble, a weasel. equally adept using his feet or fists to inflict damage . His preferred weapon of choice was anything he could get his grubby little paws on. Didn’t matter. rock, stick or garbage can lid. anything he could throw at your head.

Billy Macgillycuddy, the older brother. When he looked at you? It felt like he wanted to chew on your face. something was just not right about that boy.

First time I saw them. they were standing in the middle of the street throwing rocks at a mailbox.

Our mailbox.

Their family moved onto our block a few years before we did. people felt helpless. some gave up, moved out.

Surely it can’t be as bad as that?

You got a minute? My neighbor Monty Asked.

When they first moved into town, the boys were invited to a birthday party for one of the local kids. You know the Monahan’s? Their son Finn?

Well, At the party……One of the other children made the mistake of telling Timmy to…Stop chewing with your mouth open.

Timmy took it up to ninety. flipping the table over on top of the birthday boy. His older brother unaware of what was happening, having just come out of the bathroom, picked up a chair and threw it into the melay. both boys grabbed an armful of gifts. and fled out the front door.

Nobody knew what to do? call the parents? they’re just kids after all. kids being kids.

They’ll grow out of it. right? isn’t calling the parents a little excessive? You want to do it? go ahead. The Mother is a Nut. The Husband? a hardchaw not to be trifled with.

I asked if anyone ever saw them at parent teacher conferences?

Responses varied from. “Oh Thank God, No!” to “Holy Jaysus, I hope not?” to “No? Is She Here?!” I said good morning to her once…..she told me to go shit in my hat.

The entire neighborhood had their fill, it was looking like the next incident would push good people too far.

We all wanted these little hooligans gone.

We just didn’t know how to do it? the coppers weren’t being much help.

Garaging was rampant in the neighborhood. Items reported stolen included, tools, balls, bats and bikes.

Most of the handy work having been done after dark. no one saw a thing. people were installing security cameras, The town locksmith was working overtime. One of my neighbors suggested we dig a pit in his backyard and try and trap em.

Lois had reached her limit. enough was enough. from then on? anytime the boys made an appearance on the street. they got the hose. playtimes over now eh?

When the boys hit or kicked a ball onto her property. she’d burst out the front door, grab the ball, stare the boys down, and return with it to her home.

If they tried to enter the property from the rear? she’d sick her dog on em. German Shepard, Named Doug.

Something was gonna give. a few bets were made on the side. everyone had their money on the boys.

I wasn’t so sure.

Weeks passed. things quieted in the neighborhood.

Tuesday Night turned to Wednesday morning.

A favorite pastime of the boys was ghost riding bikes.

Our street has a slight grade to it, which makes it the perfect test track.

Ghost riding a bike is an art form. you have to know exactly when to dismount. when to release. and a general idea where you hope to have it go.

One judges a good ride on the length. the longer it travels un-piloted, the better the rush is.

Lois was backing her car out of the driveway.

The bike had been released. rolling on its own accord. Riderless.

On impact the back tire rotated over the front. striking the passenger door window shattering it.

Broken Glass flew every which-ways.

Lois catching most of it in the beehive.

Thankfully she was wearing her glasses.

Bridie Donovan out watering her porch plants shrieked. she had witnessed the whole diabolical thing from across the street. barreling inside to call the police.

Billy and Timmy scattered.

Ducking between the Mulligan and Kelly’s straight home to establish an alibi.

At The Macgillycuddy residence.

The boys were questioned by our village finest. One Officer Fink. followed by a trip with their mother to the station to fill out some paperwork. their attorney apprised of the situation would meet them to assist.

Malicious mischief, destruction of property were the charges. all misdemeanors. sadly? not a felony to be to be found.

They claim to have only borrowed the bicycle. and were on their way to return it when it jumped up, took off and plowed into Lois car.

This wasn’t the boys first trip to court.

“No Boy is Bad If Given a Chance?”

Father Flanagan of Boys Town obviously had never met these two. Pah! What did he know about good boys? No boy is bad is it?

Well aware of who was in front of him. The judge sighed and shook his head.

A warning was not going to suffice this time.

1500-2500 to fix the damages estimates provided the court stated.

In Addition, Her attorney asked the court for compensatory damages to her bird house.

The judge, while being sympathetic to her testimony. was unable to indict the boys on the bird house destruction. there were no witnesses after all? unlike the ghost ride.

Seated nearby, Lois enjoyed the proceedings immensely. leaning forward cupping her hand over her mouth while she listened intently.

The judge heard the case as put forth by the attorney’s representing each party. after which he remanded the boys to juvenile detention for 30 days.

What started as a giggle turned into uncontrollable hysterics.

Rising from her seat. she exited the court room laughing all the way out.

The Macgillycuddy’s glared, watching her in silence.

A month? that’s it, is it? Well?

Better than a sharp stick in the eye.

All anyone knew or care, was they were gone. for now.

Everyday is a gift.

I’m excited to find out what’s next?

You never know what tomorrows going to bring.

The town I live in has been over run by skunks.

They’re everywhere. if you own a dog? The chances are its been sprayed by one.

I was told that if you encounter one and it’s getting ready to blast you? You’ll know it because the tail raises right before it releases its stank. if you can move fast enough and pin its tail down? you just might avoid getting blasted.

I tested this theory out recently while taking care of my mother in laws dog.

I’m gonna refrain from using his name here, I’m not sure he’d like me involving him.

Upon coming across a skunk on a walk with “the dog.” I startled it.

Now a skunk moves slowly. The don’t run away. More like waddle away.

I should mention I was as scared of it, as it was of me,

I wasn’t looking for any trouble.

We were minding our own beeswax.

Try explaining that to a frightened animal with a brain the size of a pea.

I panicked dropping the dog’s leash as the rotten little stinker raised its tail.

It nailed me mid charge squarely in the chest.

Stunned me. can’t describe it. it was awful.

The skunk took off between a couple of houses.

I looked over at my mother in laws dog.

I swear it had this look, like, “What the hell were you thinking?”

I was, after all? only trying to protect him.

I ran home dog in tow, thinking….how am I going to explain this?

Why didn’t I just leave it alone?

It’s a skunk.

My wife bathed me in a mixture of hydrogen peroxide, baking soda and liquid dish soap. which? trust me on this, sounds a lot better than it is. The concoction is supposed to lessen the smell. it did help a little. I guess? Though not enough to be let back into the house.

I had to throw out what I was wearing, and sleep in the garage.

My mother in laws dog got an apology in the morning. me? I got nuthin.

He had to sleep in the garage with me. We didn’t say much to one another.

I’m not going to have to dog sit anymore, I’m pretty sure.

I was told by my wife and mother-in-law I can’t be trusted.

And if we do get to watch the dog?

My wife can walk him. I’ve been asked to stand down. I’m out. done.

Too bad really, Cause I love the little guy. We were friends once. maybe we can patch up our differences someday and move forward. people do it all the time.

Skunks? really? getting to be no ones safe outside after dark. take heed.

They’re out there you know? waiting. watching.

I’m just lucky none of my neighbors saw the exchange. This kind of stuff is not what I want to be known for around town. I’ve already made a few bad judgement calls since we moved in according to my wife. I’m trying to fit in here, honest I am. but we’re talking about a wild animal. and they can be unpredictable. you never know what they’re thinking.

If I could have somehow communicated with it? I would have told it, ramble on little friend, the dog and I mean you no harm. he’s just got to take a leak, and I’m only out walking him because my mother-in-law is out of town.

Alas that would not matter. no words or hopes or prayers would save me on this evening stroll. I was dealing with a force of nature. one that could not and would not be reasoned with.

If only? I had not panicked.

If only? I had not listened to my co-workers advice.

Maybe, I would have avoided the ordeal?

I really am not the monster I appear to be. I love animals. its true animals sense something inside of us. they have a sixth sense. this animal like other animals I have come into contact with in my life decided that enough was enough. he must pay. there is a bill that must be paid. a debt that must be settled.

I’m not going out after dark anymore. let them tangle with someone else for a change.

I’m through with the animal kingdom for a while. at least for the time being.

I cannot look back on a life of achievement anymore, or of challenges met, or competitors bested.

This obstacle was not overcome. I was.

Leaves were falling. the village was beautiful. the richness of colors, stunning. you don’t get this living in the concrete jungle. or if you live in an arid landscape. We deal with cold temperatures Bub.

The beauty of the changing seasons is our reward. something to embrace.

The doorbell rang. I opened it.

They thought I didn’t recognize them. It was The Macgillycuddy Boys.

Billy and his younger brother Timmy.

Both boys ran with the gang that would throw snowballs at my car last winter.

It was them. make no mistake about it.

The older brother was doing the talking now.

Mister? do you need someone to rake your leaves?

I locked eyes with the little one. he was giving me the stink eye.

Is there something wrong young man? he wouldn’t answer me. Is this your brother?

Un-huh, Billy responded.

Are the two of you registered to rake leaves in this state? they looked at each other.

Are we what? Billy asked.

Registered. are you Registered? Do you boys speak English?

Un huh. Billy said.

So, let me get this straight? You two are Brothers. You live in Illinois, You speak English. You’re here today to ask me to rake the leaves in my yard for money. Are you boys Troublemakers?

The younger one rolled his eyes. I looked at him. Do you remember me Timmy?

No. Timmy said.

You Don’t? I asked him very directly.

No. he said. I stood there staring at Him. Timmy starting tugging at his brother’s coat, he cupped his hand whispering something in his ear.

Billy spoke up. Mister we gotta go.

Go? but you just got here? wait a second, you came here today with a business proposition and now you want to run off before you get an answer to your question?

Umm? we…Umm? Billy stuttered.

Young Man ask me your question again. they exchanged glances.

Billy softly asked  Umm…Would you like somebody to rake your leaves?

Somebody? Who?

Timmy rolled his eyes again. exasperated he blurted out, Us.

I shook my head from side to side like I was being offered something that smelled rank.  No Thank You. closing front our door.

I woke the next morning and looked out our window. the nine bags of leaves I had left out on my curb for pick up were spread all over our front lawn. the bags were missing and so were the yard waste stickers you are required to purchased from the village. no sticker? no pickup. someone was sending me a message.

It was The Macgillycuddy Boys.

Standing in your yard trying to clear it of leaves while more leaves drift down on you from the trees above can wear on you. Last year I raked 47 bags of leaves. a few of my neighbors were quite amused at the eager new guy on the block who thought he could stay ahead of Mother Nature. Mother Nature wins every time. don’t even try to take her on. she’ll kick your ass pal. Imagine trying to keep snow off your driveway in the middle of a blizzard? That is the feeling you get on my street when the leaves start to fall.

Why don’t you hire a couple of kids from the neighborhood? My neighbor Nancy asked me. Why are you putting yourself through this?

I smiled and almost bit through my lip. I wanted to throw her in her bushes.

Pay someone to tend our land? Never!

Never say Never……Ever.

I woke up and felt like a hundred year old man. My Back was killing me. my left shoulder ached.

I went over to take a look at the community bulletin board at our grocery store to see if I could find someone to handle the leaves for me. Tacked on the board was a piece of paper. It read in bold print.

FALL CLEANUP. We Rake Leaves.

At the bottom of the page was a phone number.

I called the number, a woman answered.

I’m calling about the Fall Cleanup.

She said, Sure, hold on a second. SHAN….NON it’s for You!

Shannon? a few seconds later a girl’s voice on the other end said, Hello?

I introduced myself.  Are you the person to speak to regarding the fall cleanup?

Yes. she said. My friend Eileen and I will rake and clean up your yard.

Great, How do we get started? she informed me that they could come out tomorrow after school for an estimate. I gave her our address. we arranged to meet at 4:30.

4:30 on the dot. I was out in front of our house when two young girls with rakes walked up. Shannon the young woman I spoke with on the phone said  Hello. then introduced me to her friend Eileen.

I showed them the yard, Ladies? what’s this going to cost me? they gave me three options. once a week 40 dollars, twice a week 60. and for the season 160.

I’d like you to handle the season. When can you start?

They looked at each other smiling.

Right now? If you’d like?

They went to work. no smirking, no shuffling of feet, no stink eye.

They raked both the front and backyard. bagging about 17 bags of leaves all neatly stacked at the curb. Once they finished they knocked on our door, still smiling. telling me they would be back on Saturday.

Ladies? before you go? do you know the Macgillycuddy Boys from down the street?

Yeah, We Know Them. Shannon replied.

I sensed an edge in her voice.

Ladies? I’m worried that Billy and Timmy won’t be happy with you taking their business. I have it on good authority that these two boys are known troublemakers around town, it’s possible they might try to undermine your business.

Undermind?  Shannon inquired.

Yes, undermine, They want to try to keep all the business to themselves. we’re not all bad ladies. but these boys? The Macgillycuddy’s? I just don’t trust them. Billy told me that if you want a Woman to do your work for you? go ahead hire one, see what kind of job they do? they’ll take your money and never show up. they also said you two ladies had been in trouble with the police?

Police?!? The smiles disappeared.

Yes, The Police. I also suspect that they might try to sabotage your work by dumping the leaves you worked so hard in raking on the ground.

Eileen looked at me and said, They better not.

Yes.  I pointed at Eileen. They better not, keep an eye out for them.

They told me they would, and to not worry.

Want to be treated like a professional? prepare like one. project yourself as one.

It was clear these girls knew the score.

In the business world today. when you look to provide a service to someone. you better be able to provide the customer with the factual information they need to make a well-informed decision that is best for them. You can’t stand in front of someone during a sales pitch and say, Umm? and Roll your Eyes at the potential customer. You sure as shooting can’t give them the Stink Eye and then expect them to give you money?

Tell that to your little brother, The Eye Roller.

Characters

Oona O’Brien fifties

Eamon O’Brien fifties

Place

Rural Ireland.

Present Day

Interior of a small cottage. a table with four chairs. a sink and stove. couch and television. a small fire burns in the fireplace. it’s late. a womans loud voice is heard, screams intermittently fill the room. in the corner of the room Eamon has his ear to the wall. his wife Oona enters.

Eamon:  Jaysus! they’re still going at it.

Can ya believe it darlin? Did ya hear what she was saying to that lucky lucky man? got us a hairy growler living next door. better lock the doors and shut the windows. hate to think of what she might do to me, were she to get in here?

Oona:  She’s a grin on her like a dead hare.

Eamon:  She’s a mauler alright, are you listening to that? Oh my Jaysus! easy now. take it easy woman. the man has to work in the marning!

Oona:  Steal the blessing from the holy water. face on her like a plate of mortal sins.

Eamon:  Maybe I should talk to er, let er know we can hear em going at it?

Oona:  If you could hear what I hear? you’d never speak to yourself again.

Eamon:  I wonder how long he can last in there? Da poor fella. she’s eating the head off.

Oona:  The wheels turning. but the hamsters dead innit?

Eamon:  Good Fuck. Didja hear it! Call the Peelers. God Help Em! something broke in there.

Oona:   Settle Down, Careful, Careful Now. your blood pressure is shar to be up. It’s a Dangerous Game yar playing.

Eamon:  Yore Ma!

Oona: Ya Gobshite, Me Mam Warned Me About Ya!

Eamon: Ah Here now woman. I’d be lost without ya. if I upset yas? darling? I,I, I was only….

Oona:  …..Don’t talk about me Mam.

Hang on? it’s gone quiet.

Eamon:  They’ve finally gone to sleep? I’ll just go next door and listen through the lock?

Oona:  Is that what you’d like? is it?

Eamon:  It is.

Oona:  Well go on. Get a leg over. maybe you can join them.

Eamon:  Well now, I don’t think I could keep up with em.

Was it not too long ago that was us now woman? have you forgotten? I remember the first time I saw you in secondary school. walked right into an ambush on me heart. you batted those eyelashes of yours and smiled. was mighty. you didn’t know it at the time. I hid it from you. fearful you wouldn’t feel the same. make no mistake about it. you took my heart that day. I’d had it. making me pursue you throughout school, letting me get close. though never close enough to me liking. seemed like the longest courtship a young lad should ever have to go through.

Standing outside at night, looking into the sky, wondering if you were awake. if you had your knickers on?

Teasing me, ever so slowly, letting me. go a little farther.

Oona:  I remember the where’s and the when’s. they are treasures I hold in me heart.

Eamon:  Ah me as well darling.

I wouldn’t trade the journey we’ve been on together for anything in this world. in the darkness, we found each other. at that right time. in that right place.

I hope those american kids, enjoy their youth, that she flattens him every night for as long as possible. for as we both now know, it’s slips away all to soon. maybe we can’t have what we once had. though perhaps? we can find something new, something different.

We all make plans. somewhere along the road. in ways we never expected. change occurred. through it all. we stayed loyal to each other. life got interesting when it got tough. once I was old enough to understand that bad things weren’t just happening to me. that they happen to us all. my perception of life changed. I stopped feeling that weight. all that sorrow I carried around inside me for so long? disappeared.

I miss us the way we use to be Mrs. I get lonely. don’t you have feelings for me anymore? yer me bride. I love ya. is there no hope for us? it’s not natural. is it? acting like there’s nothing wrong?

Ever since they moved in? and all that racket began. I’ve been thinking of when that was us.

I can still see ya with one leg up’n the dash and nothing on but the radio.

There was a time. everywhere and anywhere we could, we did. do ya remember? in the woods, up the hills, by the stream. we couldn’t wait to see each other. anticipation. passion. ohh darling, in the park. on the beach, at night, during the day, if we thought we could get away with it, sometimes, not caring if we did or not. we were free. I want that back. my heart is not long for this world. I can feel it. is it too late for us to try, to try to…perhaps recapture a little of our youth?

Maybe they’re taking a break in there? poor mans gotta be exhausted. didja hear what she was doing to him? what she was yelling. he’s lucky to be alive. did ya not hear what I heard? the walls shook. screaming? like they were killing each other.

Darling please. come here, give us a kiss.

Maybe I should just go over there and check on their well being? it’s called a well being check. Garda does it all the time. there’s no sense in involving the law if we don’t need to. but Mrs? I’m worried. we’ve only met her the one time. I’ve never seen him. not once. what if there is evil living next door to us? what if after they’ve had a bit of drink that like us all, the true revealing really begins? what then now? what if they burst in here naked some evening? and we’re forced to fight for our lives? would ye fight with me Mrs? WOULD Ye? For God’s Sakes Woman! look at me. stop yer laughing this isn’t the least bit funny.

Ah here now, I need to feel the warmth of ya. to hold ya, smell ya. let’s go to bed. ah darling, yar the only one for me. you have me heart, me spirit. me soul. you have me. I’ll be needing them back when your finished with em mind you. but for now? they’re yours.

Oona: You troublemaker. I’ll bet you say that to all the girls.

Eamon: Just you love, only you.

Oona: I like when you’re gentle with me. Gently Sweetie. Gently.

Eamon: Can I carry ya to the bed? cross the thresholds.

Oona: Will you not be listing to the woman shouting through the wall?

Eamon: Do the best I can darling.

Oona: Eamon?

Eamon: Yes Dearie?

Oona: Eaaamon?

Eamon: Jaysus Mary and Joseph. What is it you want me to say?

Oona: May the Cat Eat You and The Devil Eat the Cat!

Eamon:  Are we going to bed then?

Oona: Married to the likes of you am I?

Eamon: I told yas? magic. we were meant to be together.

Oona: Away and pull ur wire.

“Seventh row man! for Seger! Seventh Row!”

Motts couldn’t believe his luck.

Thinking he’d just bought tickets to see Rocker Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band.

I checked. Seger wasn’t in town on that date? Wasn’t even on tour?

The night of the show. he handed it to me.

Brilliant, said it right on the ticket. “An evening with Seegar.” Pete Seegar.

The poor goof had mistakenly bought tickets to see Pete Seegar, the folk singer.

Not exactly Motts Cup O’ Tay.

We had snuck in a couple pints of Blackberry Brandy, in case we got parched.

When Seegar came onto the stage Motts leaned over and said. “Looks like Bob’s been on a diet.”

“I never knew he was that tall? What’s with the Fooking Banjo!”

It went downhill fast after that.

He opened with “Turn Turn Turn.”

His second song was  “If I had a Hammer.”

Motts spat after the applause died down. “If I had a Hammer?…I’d smash that Banjo!”

The group in front of us turned around and gave us dirty looks.

Five songs into the show, during, “On Top Of Old Smokey.”

Motts began yelling.

“Boooooo!”

Seegar being the consummate professional. kept playing.

The verbal assault intensified.

“Who The Hell Is Smokey?!?”

Pete Seegar ignored it and played on.

“This Land is Your Land, This Land is My Land…From California to the…..New York Island….”

“BOOOOOOO!”

“You’re New Stuff is Shite! C’MON! Play Some Of Your Old Stuff!”

“C’MON SEGER!”

Seegar finally reached his boiling point.

Mid-song he snapped, stopping the show cold, yelling back, “I am playing my old stuff! now Sit Down and shut the hell UP!”

The crowd was beginning to close in and we were all out of brandy.

“Motts? mellow out man, That’s Not Bob Seger. wrong guy…wrong guy. mellow out man. Motts? relax man, cool it.”

He was having none of it. I’m not sure he even heard me?

“C”MON! PLAY RAMBLING GAMBLING MAN!” How about Kat-Man-Dooooo!” fist pumping the air.

“Get Outta DENVER! C’MON BOB!”

The people in front of us turned around again, this time telling us to “Knock it Off!”

Seegar pointed off stage to someone, then to where we were seated. Moments later. Two of the largest humans I’d ever seen approached us.

“Whadda we gonna do now?”

I got the words, “Guys we’re…..” out. before they grabbed us.

Down the aisle, Motts Arms kept flailing about. “Get yer….Grubby….Paws Offa Me! Hey…Hey!”

“This Land is Your Land, This Land is My Land…From California to the…..New York Island…..”

Pete Seegar was in fine form. he was playing the shit out of that banjo.

“You Sold Out Seger! You Sold OUT! Gimme Back My Money!”

Seegar being the consummate professional. kept playing long after we’d left the venue.

The Tribune had a nice review about it the next day. mentioning some over served group that marred the performance just left of the stage before being ejected.

He was inconsolable. To this day he still has no idea who Pete Seegar was? He kept saying “You mean Bob?” I’d say “No Pete.”  he’d tilt his head a little like a dog does when you talk to it.

He means well. He’s not perfect. He knows it.

Truth be told. he’s harder on himself than anyone else is. making a mess of so many things. Always with the best of intentions.

One afternoon at a party, he looked at me, got really serious.

I braced myself. Here it comes, His wife is leaving him? Lost his job? Maybe he’s sick?

Motts began. “A Person’s Health is in His Feet. A Person’s Heart is in His Feet.” then he held up a finger and said. “Never Speak to The Feet while the Head is Alive.”

So I ask him, “How Come?”

He shrugged. “Dunno? Is it because a person’s feet are key to their health, keeping them active and in good physical condition? is a person’s heart in his feet, because of that inner drive to go in search of adventure? undertake the journey. follow our instincts. that if we do? we will be rewarded in the end. someone or something will be there to tell us. That we did a good job. that our lives meant something?

Is it not our heart that tells us this, or is it our mind playing tricks with our feet?”

I’ve known Motts for years. we grew up in the same neighborhood. Went to the same schools.

He’s Generous, Loyal, Big Hearted, Incredibly Temperamental, and Highly Entertaining.

He’s the guy who pulls over for the senior citizen stuck on the side of the road, helping them change a flat tire. the guy who wouldn’t accept money for any favor or help you might need. he might ask you to say a prayer for him.

He’s the guy who visits his Mom and Dad every day. a son who actually wants to spend time with his parents.  He talks with his Ma on the phone every time she calls, never making an excuse.

There’s No, “Ma can I call you back?” Game could be in the 4th quarter. score tied, time running out. if that phone rings? he’s picking it up.

“She might need something? What if she needs something?”

His relationship with his Da? is a little more complicated.

“Get in the Car Da!”

“No, I want to stay home and watch golf.”

“Get in the Car Ol Man!”

“Boyo? My Old Man never hit me once in his life, I hope to continue that trend. but so help me! You Call Me That Again? I’ll Box Yer Ears In.”

Motts Ma always tried to change the subject to keep the peace. “Didja hear the pope is coming? we’ll have to get tickets.”

“Last Chance. Ma and I are going to the movies. are you coming?”

“Go On! Go On Now You……..Scram.”

Didn’t matter. they were his family and he loved them.

Kicked out of College when he drove his car through the front window of a quick mart while in the grip of the grape. his date passed out in the front seat. rolling down his window. He looked at the frozen store clerk who thought she was being robbed. inquiring, “Are Yas Open?”

He’ll accept any challenge. especially of the financial variety. though not always financial.

On a dare, he approached a bird sanctuary dressed like a hunter. making duck calls. peering in the front windows. pounding on the glass. shouting at the birds in their enclosures.

“Come Out With Your Hands Up! I Got The Place Surrounded!”

Thankfully he was smart enough not to have a weapon on him. no felony. just a little misdemeanor. no harm, minor foul. his punishment? community service picking up trash on the side of the highway.

Motts use to love animals of all kinds. he respected, empathized and enjoyed interacting with them whenever possible.

After a Traumatic encounter. things changed.

We had hopped a fence at the local zoo to get a photograph of Motts next to an ostrich. this to win a 300 dollar bet with some guy he worked with. 700 if he got a picture of him tickling it’s foot.

You ever see an ostriches foot? it’s frightening man.

Inside the pen. quietly, we approached.

Easy, Easy, Steady Now, Steady. Steady.

He’d had a brain storm to put a bag over the birds head.

“It might keep it calm if it didn’t know it was having its picture took? I want to make this as painless as possible for the bird.” he said.

“Motts? it’s not being kidnapped for ransom? you’re not taking it hostage? its a fooking ostrich. you need a photo with it. that’s all. stop over thinking it. let’s go. I gotta work in the morning.”

At the precise moment Motts attempted to move into the birds halo? it woke. The Startled Bird staggered, falling hard in the dirt in front of us. I ran, we didn’t belong there.

As Motts and I scrambled back over the fence. big bird stumbled to his feet like a QB trying to get up after being crushed. we left in a hurry. him to reflect on what he’d just done. me so I wouldn’t get caught.

He went back the next day to apologize to the Ostrich. I did not.

His only problem was they all looked the same in the light of day.

“What if you apologized to the wrong one?” I asked him. “Maybe you should have apologized to all of them? They all deserve an apology. Don’t they?”

He agreed, they did.

The next day, man of his word. he returned to the zoo.

Yelling at the birds from just outside the enclosure. this time, he addressed them en masse.

“I’m SORRY! Alright?!? Fair Play, That’s GRAND Then. Thanks Very Much. All Of Yas. Won’t Happen Again.”

As if yelling at them? would somehow grant him absolution.

A zookeeper came out, asking Mott’s to leave immediately.

Wisely, he complied.

Today he gives all animals a wide berth.

That night in the pen with the bird? after an epiphany, Something changed in him.

He refuses to own any animal. No Way Jose. no dog, cat, monkey or marmot. telling me when the end comes. it won’t be from war, or disease, or an asteroid slamming into the earth. When the end of time comes. All animals will run amuck and turn on us.

You go fetch the stick. Kitty doesn’t want to play with that ball of yarn anymore. Polly isn’t interested in any crackers.

If I were you? I’d commence to running.

“I’m not taking any chances.” he told me. “life is too precious. it’s just not worth the risk.”

Unpredictable, Untamed, Unstable.

A Wild Animal.

Un huh. Got it.

Friday Night. Shootin Pool.

Wondering what I’ll do when I’m through tonight?

The door opened.

In she walked. Long blond hair. with curves in all the right places. wearing some kind of party dress that didn’t leave much to the imagination. a little overdressed for Mal D’s Billiards. Gals wore get ups like this to those fancy smancy clubs downtown. only thing the rabble in this place knew about clubs? were the ones the coppers put over the top of your noggin for cracking wise at em.

I was about to lose 50 bucks in a game of nine ball.

I put my money on the rail.

Mott’s handed me a drink. and said, Watch this, Jimmy is a ladykiller.

The Blonde was sitting at the bar talking to Mott’s friend Jimmy.

That ain’t no lady Mott’s.

I knew the type. Not exactly a Sunday school teacher.

Jimmy excused himself to make a phone call.

She crossed her legs. leaning back on the bar.

Caught me looking her way.

Giving me the up and down.

Man can stand only so much.

I swaggered over.

Then I said “hi,” like a spider to a fly.

Where’d Mr. Jimmy go?

Had to make a phone call.

You know Jimmy? She asked me.

I’m his parole officer.

You?

Oh? Oh My? we just met.

She was practically in his lap for crying out loud. just met?

Jimmy reappeared. Help you wit something?

Just keeping her company til you returned.

Fade….Will ya?

I tipped my hat to her. excusing myself. heading back to the tables.

Just my luck, lost my second game and another 50 bucks. I couldn’t focus.

I turned to see the blonde alone at the bar.

What happened to Jimmy? I asked Motts.

Dunno.

It was getting late. I walked over….

Where’s Mr. Terrific?

He had to leave. she said. Men.

Leaning on the bar. I told her. You got us all wrong. He ought to have his head examined, leaving a beautiful dish all alone in this place.

Flattery will get you nowhere. she blushed,

You remind me of the first woman who ever slapped my face.

We talked a while, had a couple more drinks, she lived along the lakefront. wealthy family. she was trouble, no doubt about it. one look at those legs and that get up she was in and I knew. Trouble. no one wears a dress like that to a pool hall.

So doll face what brings you in here tonight?

Suzie. she said.

Sorry?

Suzie, my names Suzie.

Gotta be someplace downtown with society fellas falling all over a dame like you?

Exactly why I’m in here tonight. she told me.

So you’re slumming it?

No, not at all. I just wanted to see how the other half lives.

And?

So far? mmmm.

Smiling like the devil would smile at you.

I would have run away. but I was on my own.

I tipped my mitt.

We finished our giggle juice. and left together. Heading back to my place. Stopping off to grab a bottle of champagne from Larry’s House of Booze.

Halfway through the bottle, she told me she wouldn’t sleep with me tonight. I just smiled.

All we were missing was candlelight, soft music and our clothes at the foot of the bed.

I lit a candle. dimmed the lights. tripped and fell into the wall head first.

Staggering to my couch. Suzie knelt beside me, concern on her face. trying not to laugh.

I put my arm around her waist, pulling her close.

Again, she told me she wouldn’t sleep with me tonight.

I just smiled. looked into her eyes and unbuttoned her dress.

Lying there afterward, she asked if she could sing me a song.

Wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had a naked woman sing to me.

She got out of bed, turned to me, clasping her hands together and belted out Crazy for You, By Patsy Cline.

Why? She wasn’t the devil after all?

Just a lovely woman looking for some companionship.

Who am I to argue with a lady?

In the morning. I awoke to find her still lying next to me.

I thought I told you I wasn’t going to sleep with you?

You did? didn’t you? What happened?

Well? What’s a girl to do? she said as she stretched.

After coffee, we got dressed.

What are you doing later tonight?

I’m sure I can move my plans around if need be. I told her.

She took her pen out. handing me a note .

It read.

Suzie,
1150 north lake shore drive. # 1707.
Bring Champagne. 9pm. 

The doorman of her building called to announce my arrival. directing me to the elevator.

17th floor.

I knocked on her door.

She opened it wearing a full length mink coat. holding a Polaroid camera.

I Handed her the Bottle of Champagne. I’m afraid I’m a little under dressed.

Opening her coat. What a coincidence? So am I.

Thunderstorms crossed the city.

This time she put on the music and I managed not to fall into the wall.

It’s almost like we were meant to be together?

We had dinner a week later when she told me, I wasn’t her type.

Apparently her type involved swine with money who could wine her and dine her. take her to society functions. I didn’t have those connections anymore, nor did I really ever want them to begin with. You ever talk to the upper crust? Snooty, real snooty. But the ladies do like to dance under the covers…No matter what they first tell you.

She was a society dame. I was just some mug she bumped into for a couple of days in the spring.

It was a clean sneak. nobody got hurt…I took the rumble. hitting on all eight.

On the square.

For the longest time I would just nod my head if I wasn’t sure what was being said to me.

People constantly had to repeat themselves.

Loud restaurants, Any place with crowds?

I might as well have stayed home. I couldn’t hear squat.

How did I get here?

It’s complicated man.

Little bit of loud music at home, in the car. concerts, parties, festivals & hootenannies. I like to get down with my bad self.

It Probably didn’t help I’d worked in a very loud environment for 11 years.

Ask yourself this?

Do you happen to know anyone you are constantly having to repeat yourself to?

Perhaps a loved one who says,  “I’m sorry?” Cupping a hand to their ear as they lean in to hear you repeat what you’ve just said.

Un-huh,  I thought so.

Someone who says, Huh or Wha? frequently during a conversation?

When your hearing begins to worsen. Misunderstandings can become more frequent, and embarrassing.

I knew it was time to look into getting my ears checked when my colleagues gently voiced their concerns.

Are you deaf?  You really need to get that hearing checked.  Did you hear what I just said? or my favorite. Get the shit outta your ears!

Nobody wants to admit that they have this issue. you just put your head down and bulldoze your way through. I understand.

It’s not something I haven’t been able to overcome. certainly hasn’t stopped me from anything I’ve wanted to do or see.

Everyone is different.

How did I first get started?

I ended up making an appointment with a Otolaryngologist. or ENT (ear,nose& throat)  specialist. First thing they’ll do is recommended a hearing test. After the test is completed, it was back to consult with the Doctor.

He suggested I meet with an Audiologist.

Things were progressing quickly.

Next thing I know? I’m getting fitted for a pair of hearing aids.

I don’t regret my decision. In fact? I should have gotten mine a little earlier than I did.

The first step is to ask your doctor.

Most likely you are past the pride stage of I don’t need any help. or  It will make me look like an old man/old woman.

Look around you.

Certainly you see people with them today.

Perhaps you have a friend or co-worker who wears them?

This is a good place to gather information. Ask them.

They can steer you in the right direction. I’m pretty sure in the coming years, more and more people will be wearing them.

Everywhere I look these days I see people of all ages wearing them.

It’s a New Era.

Today, Grandpa isn’t sitting out on the front porch holding a funnel in his ear.

What’d ya say Sonny?!?

Grandpa where were you born?

Wha?!? What’s That?!? Eh? My Pants Are Torn? Oh Dammit! Whose got the keys to the car? I gotta go buy some new goddamn pants…

No Grandpa. Where were you born?

What’s That?

These aren’t your Grandparents hearing aids.

Today’s are well constructed, equipped with the latest technology. They are ultra small and well concealed by design.

Protect these miracles of modern science when you get them.

Care for them as instructed by the Audiologist.

If you do? they will most likely last longer.

Prior to my Purchase, I’d be out with friends or on a date with my girlfriend in someplace lively with lots of background noise. smiling and nodding a lot.

Studying facial reactions trying to gleam information from people’s expressions. in the hope of gaining insight into what was being said. I had no idea in some cases.

Are they angry? Are they showing concern? Is this serious? Is This? or Am I? being told a funny story? Should I be laughing? Have they reached the punchline yet? Is the building on fire? Should I be running?

It can be a horrible feeling to add something to a groups conversation only to find out you were way off topic. it gets more than a little embarrassing.

Soft talkers were really difficult. having to lean in close to hear. clearly a space violation. it makes many people uncomfortable.

C’mon man! Way too close. Back up will ya?

I began avoiding environments where I knew I would have a difficult time hearing.

I wanted to hear my girlfriend better. I needed to hear my co-workers better.

Sound familiar?

They won’t solve all your problems. like all things, there are some limits.

I do know this, hearing aids can and will help improve the quality of your life.

It might shock you how much you’ve been missing.

Today, Hearing Aid Technology is making huge strides. Advances My Audiologist and Doctor tell me I will live to see, and hear.

I think mine are incredible. they absolutely have changed my life for the better.

You’ll know when the time is right.

It’s not the end of the world. So take it easy.

Help is available, if you want it?

If you have a question I might be of help with?

Feel free to contact me through my site.

Good Luck on Your Journey.